Adoption STAR

Open Adoption

2011-03-04T13:20:00.001-08:00

Adoption S.T.A.R. encourages openness in adoption. Adoption S.T.A.R. believes "Open Adoption" benefits the child, the adoptive parents and birth parents.

Open adoption also known as Post Adoption Contact, represents the joining of two families based on love and trust. With an open adoption birth families and adoptive families maintain significant ongoing contact after a placement. In some cases this takes the form of sharing non-identifying information and sometimes it means the full exchange of identifying information between birth and adoptive families, if all parties are comfortable.

Open adoption can be scary for many potential adoptive parents and for prospective birth parent too. During the beginning stages of your relationship with the agency, you will be given the opportunity to learn more about open adoption and to discuss your fears and to eliminate any lingering doubts you may have about this type of adoption.

Open adoption benefits all members of the adoption triad. There are several benefits for adoptive parents, birth parents and adoptees. Here are just a few:

Open adoption provides the adoptive parents with the unique opportunity to "get to know" the birth parents of their child, enabling them to answer questions that their child might pose to them as s/he grows. The fear of an unknown birth parent returning to claim a child is gone. Birth parents become real people. Open adoption is not co-parenting; the adoptive parents are irreplaceable as Mom and Dad in the life of their child.

Open adoption also allows birth parents the peace of mind they can only get by meeting the family who will raise their child into adulthood. They have trust that the child is well. They are given the proper respect for themselves, their decision, and the important role they play in their child's life.

Most importantly, open adoption provides adopted children with the understanding of "why" they were placed for adoption and the ability to be able to contact their birth parents, should they want to. This helps with identity issues-knowing whom s/he looks like and having a sense of connectedness with biological family members. The child has a direct ongoing source of medical and other important information. And most especially, the child knows that an adoption plan was made out of love.

Twenty-Five Ways To Wait

2011-01-03T08:32:00.000-08:00

25 Ways To “WAIT”

1. Have faith
Having faith is having confidence, trust, a conviction, a belief that you will adopt and that the process works.
2. Take adoption classes (not just the required home study classes!)
Your agency offers you optional pre-adoption classes as well as information on upcoming adoption conferences and workshops throughout the year. Pay special attention to adoption events during the month of November, National Adoption Month.
3. Look for adoption announcements and memory books
There are so many creative ways to announce that you have adopted and to record your adoption journey and your child’s arrival. You can purchase pre-made announcements or memory books or you can create your own.
4. Become familiar with adoption terminology
The agency provides you with a list of words that introduces you to adoption terminology. This education is not to be “politically correct” but rather to introduce you to important terms that you will need to know throughout the adoption process. Becoming comfortable with many of these words will prepare you to talk about adoption with your child and others in your life.
5. Build an adoption library for your child
Becoming familiar with the many adoption storybooks now available will prepare you for one day reading to your child. The gift of a book is a gift that keeps on giving.
6. Read adoption and related books
In addition to building your child’s library, begin to purchase or borrow books on adoption, parenting, etc., that will prepare you for your journey.
7. Nurture your relationship
If you have a significant other, don’t forget each other. One day you will be parents and need to build in the time for each other. Right now is the time to stay committed to date nights, spontaneous and planned trips, etc. Do not put your relationship on hold during the adoption process.
8. For those exploring domestic adoption, update your profile and update your birth parent letter
Listen to the agency staff if they provide you with suggestions to tweak your profile and even if they don’t, change it every so often… maybe a new front cover, or a new paragraph to your introductory letter?
9. Place your profile on the adoption agency website!
The agency provides you with the ability for a small fee every few months to post your profile online if you are pursuing a domestic adoption: http://www.adoptionstar.com/adoptiveparents_profile1_form.php
10. For those exploring international adoption, enroll in a language class
What language will your child be hearing or speaking when you meet? It will be a great comfort to your child if you can learn a few phrases or simple songs in their language to support them during their transition into your family. You may not learn to speak fluently but it will certainly enhance your understanding of your child’s culture.
11. Attend cultural events and learn more about your child’s culture
Join in some of the community celebrations within your child’s culture. Sign up for a cooking class and research and try recipes from your child’s country of origin.
12. Meet other prospective adoptive parents in person and on-line!
Your agency provides you with an established support group offering social, educational and support opportunities as well as two online groups where you will meet adoptive families in all stages of the adoption process.
13. Join an adoption support group
Involving yourself in an adoption support and social group prior to adopting will provide you with incredible new friendships, a built-in support system, and a group of people who will route for you along the way and celebrate with you when your good news is shared, and is with you even during the disappointments.
14. Find a “mentor” from the adoption community
Your agency provides you with a Mentor List upon request. You can select a Mentor based on topic-areas or experiences. Perhaps you are single and want to connect with a single adoptive parent, or you are hoping to have an open adoption and want to connect with a family already experiencing this. The individuals/couples on the Mentor List have gone through the process and can share their experiences with you.
15. Keep a journal or blog
Write your emotions down in a journal or blog. You can record your thoughts and feelings as well as some of the frustrations you will feel along the way. After you adopt this will be priceless to you.
16. Write a letter to your child
As difficult and emotional as it may sound, writing a letter to your eventual child will provide keep you focused on your goal of parenthood and remind you of all the reasons you wish to adopt. This is another keepsake that will be important to you long after your child arrives, as well as a special gift to your child one day.
17. Prepare for parenthood
Becoming an adoptive parent doesn’t happen over night but when it is time to pick up your child whether it is in your state, another state or another country, you’ll want to be sure you’re ready. Find out from the agency what you should travel with, what will be provided and what you can prepare for before “the day” arrives.
18. Identify a family physician or pediatrician
It’s never too early to look for a pediatrician or family doctor. You will want to meet the physician before your child arrives to be sure you are comfortable with them and their practice as well as to be sure they have experience with domestic/international adoptees.
19. Explore your neighborhood
Though you may have lived in your neighborhood for years, you may not have been educated on the resources important to assist you in the new role of parenthood. What resources are in your neighborhood? Have you been to the local playgrounds? Are you familiar with the closest hospital or emergency centers? Are you familiar with the school districts?
20. Investigating child care options
Whether you are going to be a working parent or not, it is recommended to pre-educate yourself on the daycare options available to you. In addition identify “babysitters” you will be comfortable leaving your child with inside and outside of your family. Just like it is important to nurture your relationship now, it is vital to build in time alone (at least one date night per week.) It is important to have a healthy relationship to be a healthy parent.
21. Safety/childproof your home
Is your house childproof? Have you:
• Installed outlet covers and plates on outlets?
• Installed smoke detectors on every level of your home?
• Used window guards, window stops or safety netting to prevent kids from falling out of windows?
• Removed window blind cords that have loops, which can cause strangulation? Bought safety tassels to replace cord loops?
• Installed doorknob covers to keep children out of dangerous rooms (bathrooms, garage, office)?
• Posted emergency numbers next to all phones?
• Installed safety latches on all cupboards and airtight containers, including refrigerators?
• Stored knives, sharp objects and heavy pans out of child’s reach?
• Stored medications, detergents, soaps, alcohol and other hazardous items out of reach?
• Used back burners when cooking, and remembered to turn handles away from counter edge?
• Equipped faucets with anti-scalding devices?
• Latched trash compactor and dishwasher?
• Ensured there is a fire extinguisher in the kitchen but not close to any heat sources?
• Made sure trashcan has lid and is inaccessible to children?
• Ensured you have a safe cupboard (filled with wooden spoons, plastic cups and lids, and other harmless items) for your child to explore while you are cooking?
• Used child safety gate to keep kids out of kitchen when you are not there?
• Ensured you have a cordless phone to remain mobile with kids around and have at least one cell phone in house for use in emergencies when there is no electricity?
22. Finish Projects
Finish those home renovation projects such as painting, refinishing furniture or even renovating your home.
23. Look for volunteer opportunities with your adoption agency or support group
Your agency is always looking for volunteers to help out in a number of ways, by volunteering for a specific event or project or by joining one of their committees! E-mail or call today to learn of ways you can get more involved.
24. Be expectant (rest, exercise, eat properly, and make plans!)
You’ll need to find ways to deal with the stress of adopting and being “in the process.” Exercise is a great stress reliever. Now may be the time to join that health club, sign up for a Yoga class. (And work with weights – your child will want and need to be held… often! Your arms and back will thank you!)
25. And last but definitely not least . . . Believe!

The Adoption STAR Difference

2010-12-26T16:29:00.000-08:00

There are differences between adoption agencies. It is important that you select an agency that you feel comfortable with and one that will provide you with the support and assistance you need.

This is your adoption journey… selecting the right agency makes all the difference.

The Adoption STAR difference:

· Our approach is very personal. You’ll never hear voicemail.

· The first step in your journey is education. We’re here to help.

· We provide both domestic and international placement options.

· We provide pre and post adoption education and support for adoptive families, birth families and adoptees (childhood through adulthood.)

· We pride ourselves on the diversity of our families.

· Our fees are consistent regardless of the infant’s race.

· Fees are based on a sliding fee scale.

· You do not pay a deposit toward your placement unless you are matched
with an expectant parent or until placement occurs.

-We are authorized and licensed in more than one state, providing
more opportunities for clients to adopt.

- You will be provided your own agency representative known as a Family Advocate that will offer you support and compassion throughout the process.

- We don’t make promises about time frames or about adopting. We believe in the sharing of honest and helpful communication.

- We view our relationship with our clients as life-long, just like parenthood. Our adoptive families and children are connected with us into the future and are provided with post adoption educational opportunities and support.

· Support groups and our mentoring program keep you linked to other adoptive families. This is another learning and sharing
opportunity for you.

· Our professional staff is knowledgeable and passionate about adoption.

We invite you to make all the difference…
Choose an agency that works in the best interest of children…

Join the Adoption S.T.A.R. family!

Providing a special home for two boys

2010-11-03T13:08:00.000-07:00

NIAGARA FALLS—Belinda Rowles, 45, recently attended a special picnic in the Niagara Falls Boulevard area, sponsored by the nonprofit, state-authorized adoption agency Adoption STAR, which stands for Support, Training, Advocacy, Resources. Rowles had fun with her family, which includes her two adopted sons, Hunter and Malachi, who both have Down syndrome.

This inspiring and loving mom knows all about support, training, advocacy and resources.
Tell us about your childhood?

I grew up in the City of Tonawanda. I’m one of four children. I have two older brothers, John and Jim Maacks, and a younger sister, Sandy McKee. My father, the late Donald Maacks, worked at the Chevy Forge plant in the Town of Tonawanda. When my sister was old enough, my mom, Kay Maacks, took a job at Kenmore Mercy Hospital as a nurse’s aide. I graduated from Tonawanda Senior High School in 1983, majoring in secretarial studies.

In my 20s, I went through the Jamestown Community College business program and got my secretarial degree and later took a home course for medical transcription. I worked as a receptionist for an Amherst HMO, Health Care Plan, for a few years in the late 1980s to early 1990s, in the pediatric suite.
How’d you get to Niagara County?

I moved to Niagara Falls when I met my husband, a postal clerk at the LaSalle Post Office. I met my awesome husband, Rodney Rowles, in 1991.My sister and brother-in-law, Donnie McKee, introduced us. I think my brother-in-law wanted his best friend to be in the family.

I’ve always loved children and couldn’t wait to be a mom. I married my husband in 1993, and after several “losses” and infertility treatments, we decided to adopt. We registered with Niagara County Social Services to be adoptive parents. After waiting four long years, we finally found our son Hunter. He has Down syndrome and was placed with us when he was 13 months old.

How has that worked out?

He’s our pride and joy. When Hunter, now 10, was 7 years old we decided to adopt again. This time, we went through a private adoption agency, Adoption STAR.

Another special-needs child?

I’ve always had a heart for special-needs children and after having Hunter in our lives, we decided we wanted to adopt another Down syndrome child. We registered with the Down Syndrome Association of Greater Cincinnati and were matched with our son Malachi in two months. He was placed with us at the age of six weeks. He’s now 2z.

Why these kids?

My husband and I both feel that every child deserves a loving, stable home regardless of race or disability. We’re strong advocates for our children and want the very best for them. I developed a heart for the special-needs population after working from from 1999 to 2001 at a not-for-profit agency, Opportunities Unlimited Day Habilitation Center, in Niagara Falls.

Tell us what your life’s like?

There are challenges in raising special-needs children, like health issues, having to modify family vacation to accommodate them, a therapist in and out of your house, and so on.

Why take that on?

The rewards far outweigh the challenges, such as seeing your child reach a milestone earlier than expected, the first time you hear ‘I love you,’ the extra special hugs and the unconditional love.

Anything else you’d like to say about adopting special-needs children?

Not every day is easy—but it never is with a typical child either. There are so many children out there waiting for “forever families.” If more families would consider adopting, this would be accomplished. It only takes a loving, caring family to be able to share your love with a child, who needs you—and wants to be needed.

By Louise Continelli

BUFFALO NEWS STAFF REPORTER
http://www.buffalonews.com/city/communities/niagara-county/qa/article237109.ece

NOVEMBER 2010 ADOPTION STAR NEWS

2010-10-31T12:13:00.000-07:00

November Adoption STAR NEWSLETTER

November 2010

Dear Friends,

HAPPY NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH!
Within this newsletter is an extensive list of amazing National Adoption Month activities that we are hoping you will attend. You are welcome to invite friends and family to join you as well. Spreading the word about adoption and more importantly "celebrating adoption" is the best way to spend your November.

This November, Adoption STAR is joining thousands of individuals, government agencies and child advocacy organizations across the nation in promoting the National Adoption Month 2010 Campaign. The goal of the campaign, “Answering the Call: You Don’t Have to Be Perfect to Be A Perfect Parent,” is to spread awareness to recruit and retain adoptive parents.

Since 1990, the nation has proclaimed November as National Adoption Month to focus attention on the children in the child welfare system waiting for placement with families. There are approximately 513,000 children currently in foster care, 114,000 who are waiting for permanent families. Of the children in need of adoption, 36 percent are African-American and 45 percent are over the age of 8. Adoption STAR works tirelessly to avoid the placement of children into the foster care system. Our unique and compassionate approach allows children to be placed immediately with adoptive parents.

Throughout the month of November, Adoption STAR is encouraging families to become adoptive parents by hosting several informational sessions at Adoption STAR’s office. See below for a list of these sessions. These meetings will provide a warm and welcoming atmosphere for prospective parents to interact with real-life adoptive families, in hopes that they too will consider bringing a child into their homes.

Children want a place to call home and a loving family to call their own. This month remember that you do not have to be perfect to be a really terrific parent. Consider adoption and give a child something that every child deserves, a forever family.

For more information about the National Adoption Month 2010 Campaign or Adoption STAR, call us toll-free at 866-691-3300 or visit www.adoptionstar.com.

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH ADOPTION STAR EVENTS:
Understanding Infant Adoption Training – College of St. Rose, Albany, NY
November 06, Saturday, 9:00 am - 2:00 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions.
Adoption Informational Session -- Albany area
November 08, Monday, 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm
Join us for this free orientation session to learn more about adoption and the Adoption STAR Agency. Being held at the Colonie Community Center - 1653 Central Avenue, Albany, NY 12205. Please call to RSVP or email info@adoptionstar.com.

Adoption Informational Session -- Buffalo area
November 09, Tuesday, 6:30 pm - 8:00 pm
Join us for this free orientation session to learn more about adoption and the Adoption STAR Agency. 47 Plaza Drive, Williamsville. Please call to RSVP or email info@adoptionstar.com.

A.C.E. Meeting
November 11, Thursday, 6:30 pm - 8:00 pm
A.C.E.: Adoptee Circle of Experience is a support group for adult adoptees 18 and up. Held at the Adoption STAR office at 47 Plaza Drive in Williamsville. For more information contact Zachary@adoptionstar.com.

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – Samaritan Hospital School of Nursing, Troy, NY
November 11, Thursday, 9:30 am - 2:00 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions.

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – Samaritan Hospital School of Nursing, Troy, NY
November 12, Friday, 9:30 am - 2:00 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions.

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – Suffolk County Community College, Brentwood, NY
November 13, Saturday, 9:00 am - 1:30 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions.

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – SUNY Rockland Community College, Suffern, NY
November 14, Sunday, 8:00 am - 12:30 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions.

Adoption Informational Session - Ohio
November 15, Monday, 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm
What better time to indulge in the journey of adoption than National Adoption Month! Come take this great opportunity to learn about both domestic and international adoption! Being held at 11850 Enyart Road, Loveland, OH 45140. Please call 513-697-7827 or email info@adoptionstar.com to RSVP.
Adoption Informational Session -- Rochester area
November 16, Tuesday, 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm
Join us for this free orientation session to learn more about adoption and the Adoption STAR Agency. Being held at the JCC of Rochester - 1200 Edgewood Ave. Rochester, NY 14618. Please call to RSVP or email info@adoptionstar.com.

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – Queens Children’s Psychiatric Center, Bellerose, NY
November 18, Thursday, 12:30 pm to 4:30 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions.

Financial Planning for the Adoptive Family
November 18, Thursday, 6:00 pm - 8:00 pm, 47 Plaza Drive, Williamsville, New York.
Back by popular demand, and in celebration of National Adoption Month, this class will introduce raising an adoptive family in this economy, applying for the adoption tax credit among other benefits, and financial planning for your family’s future. Adoptive mom and financial advisor Amy Jo Lauber and adoptive father and accountant Mark Tronconi will lead. RSVP to 716-639-3900 or email info@adoptionstar.com.

The 30th Annual APC Adoption Conference
November 21, Sunday, 8:00am-5:00pm
St. Francis College, 180 Remsen St. Brooklyn, NY 11201
Hosted by the Adoptive Parents Committee, Inc.
For more information visit this link: http://adoptiveparents.org/conference.htm
Please stop by and say hello to us!!! Adoption STAR will be present at the conference with an exhibit table and will be facilitating several workshops:
10:45-11:45 am ~ Myths and Fears in Open Adoption
1:45-2:45 pm ~ Considering the Adoption of Infants At-Risk
4:15-5:15 pm ~ Exploring Transracial Adoption

The SOFIA 3rd Annual Holiday Party is right around the corner!
December 4, Saturday, 4:30 pm-8:30 pm
Fairport Community Baptist Church located at 20 E. Church Street, Fairport, NY 14450
Pot Luck Dinner gathering. Please contact Jenny Aiezza at jaiezza@frontiernet.net for suggestions for what to bring. Also each family is asked to bring an unwrapped gift to contribute to a toy drive for the Fairport Community Baptist Church. In addition, if you have children, please bring a small wrapped present for each of your children CLEARLY marked with their names. We will "secretly" collect these gifts and give them to Santa to distribute to the children.
RSVP for this event to Alison at alison75@rochester.rr.com by Friday, Nov 26. Please include the number of adults and children attending, as well as your kids' ages. This party is for waiting families as well. It is a great chance to get to know others who have been through the adoption process as well as those who are waiting for their families to grow. It is going to be a wonderful evening filled with lots of family, friends, food and fun! SOFIA stands for Supporting Our Families Interested In Adoption. It is the adoptive family support group of Adoption STAR and it is open to ALL families interested in adoption. You do not need to be affiliated with Adoption STAR to participate in SOFIA events. This event is free. Looking forward to celebrating the holidays with you!

Our LAST set of Home Study Classes for 2010 will be:
Weekend Home Study Classes – Western New York
December 10, Friday, 6:00 pm - 9:00 pm
AND
December 11, Saturday, 9:00 am – 5:00 pm
This is the last time these classes will be held in 2010. Registered clients must complete these classes to become home study ready. Please call for location information and details. Hotel accommodations are available.

IF YOU WISH TO BEGIN THE ADOPTION PROCESS BEFORE 2011, IT IS IMPORTANT TO REGISTER NOW.

SAVE THE DATE!!!
Back by popular request is…
Shining Star ~ a very special evening dedicating to supporting the adoption of children with special needs
January 19, 2011, Wednesday, 5:30 pm to 8:30 pm
Shea’s Performing Arts Center
646 Main Street, Buffalo, NY
An evening of gourmet food stations, fine wines, extravagant gift baskets, and music to benefit Adoption STAR’s special needs adoption program.
This event is being sponsored by:
Buffalo Spree
WGRZ-TV
Creditors Interchange
Dental Wellness
TxMQ
Verizon
Key Bank
Phillips Lytle LLP
Drs. Christine and Dylan Tinnesz
Sharon and Lowell Chick

If you would like to add your name or business as a sponsor of the Shining Star event, please contact Michele Fried at michele@adoptionstar.com for more information. Thank you for supporting our work to help all children find forever families.

THANK YOU to everyone who assisted with our request to list Adoption STAR’s url: http://www.adoptionstar.com on your blogs and websites. Keep it up. Better yet, write an article on your blog or website about your beautiful adoption experience with Adoption STAR. Your assistance with our important outreach is so important and means so much! Please also drop our founder an email at michele@adoptionstar.com so she can thank you for adding us!

Are you an educator? We would love to connect with you! We are hoping you can help us to provide much needed adoption education and awareness throughout elementary, junior high, senior high, college and universities. Please email Zachary Fried at Zachary@adoptionstar.com with your name and contact information and any ideas you may have for us.

Are you in the medical profession? We would love to connect with you! We provide wonderful trainings for the medical community including trainings that allow for CEU and contact hours. Please email Michael Hill at Michael@adoptionstar.com with your name and contact information.

If you are not yet apart of the Adoption STAR family, we hope you will consider joining us. Adoption STAR will be presenting adoption informational sessions throughout Western New York, Upstate New York, New York City and Western Ohio. Check out our website calendar to find an event near you: http://www.adoptionstar.com/participate.php
Adoption STAR has helped create more than 439 forever families. Each of our children has their own special charm and we can’t help but smile when we walk through our office and see their photos on our walls. We remember their stories. They’re part of our history. To read stories from some of our STAR families and birth mothers, please visit: http://www.adoptionstar.com/agency_stories.php

If you have adopted from Adoption STAR and have not yet shared your story, please, please ADD your adoption story: (If you added your story and it has not appeared, please email michele@adoptionstar.com to resend your story.)
http://www.adoptionstar.com/agency_story.php
The adoptive family support group, Adoptive Families of the Capital Region, will be presenting to upcoming workshops for adult attendees considering adoption as well as those who have already adopted:

Adoption STAR has added a new feature to our website in honor of our 10th birthday. Please visit the home page: http://www.adoptionstar.com/index.php
On the right hand side you will see: Happy 10th Birthday Adoption STAR! Click Here for More Information! Click and you will see a series of new web pages created in honor of our 10th birthday. This section will be up for our entire 10th birthday year! Or go directly to this link:
http://www.adoptionstar.com/agency_10th.php You will see the following sections 10 Years: A Look Back; The Next 10 Years; Share Your Story; Stories and a Donate link.

Bulgaria

Adoption STAR is excited about our Bulgarian adoption program. There are many children ages 3, 4 and 5 including sibling groups available. If you are interested in considering Bulgaria as an international adoption option, please contact Lisa Geiger at 866-691-3300 or via email lisa@adoptionstar.com.

Haiti

While the U.S. Department of State reports that Haiti has reopened for adoption, the orphanages we work with feel the process is still quite slow and they are still healing emotionally and especially physically from the earthquake. We will be keeping you informed of the application process should you be interested in adopting from Haiti in the future.

In the meantime, Adoption STAR is committed to not forgetting Haiti, especially the children. Adoption STAR continues to monetary support to orphans in Haiti. AT THIS TIME ONLY MONETARY DONATIONS ARE NEEDED.

Please continue to support our continuing efforts in Haiti by making a tax- deductible donation by mailing in your check to Adoption STAR, Inc. and putting Haiti in the memo line. Please mail checks to the agency’s Williamsville, NY office. Thank you. Please share this information with family, friends, co-workers and any others you feel that can assist with these efforts.

Hungary

The Hungarian adoption program is open to all US residents residing throughout the country. Couples and singles will be considered. Healthy children ages 4 and up are available, most of Gypsy descent. Many younger children are available via sibling groups. Also those interested in adopting babies and toddlers with Down Syndrome should consider Hungary as there are many very young children with Down Syndrome in need of a forever family. For more information on adopting from Hungary, please contact Michele at 866-691-3300 or email her at michele@adoptionstar.com.

Nepal

No new applications are being taken for the Nepal adoption program.

New York State

The IAATP grant that Adoption STAR has had for several years is happy to share that several training sessions are on the calendar and are located throughout the state of NY. These FREE professional development opportunities are designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens, and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions or for more information.

Ohio

If you reside in Ohio and are considering adoption, either now or in the future, we encourage you to learn more about Adoption STAR Ohio by emailing info@adoptionstar.com or by calling 513-631-6590. In addition, in honor of National Adoption Month, a free adoption informational session will be held on November 15, Monday, 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm. Take this great opportunity to learn about both domestic and international adoption! Being held at 11850 Enyart Road, Loveland, OH 45140. Please call 513-697-7827 or email info@adoptionstar.com to RSVP.

Florida

If you reside in Florida and are considering adoption, either now or in the future, we encourage you to learn more about Adoption STAR Florida by emailing info@adoptionstar.com or by calling 954-566-6055.

Connecticut

ADOPTION STAR IS NOW CONNECTICUT APPROVED THROUGH MAY 2012. THIS MEANS THAT WE ARE AUTHORIZED TO PLACE CHILDREN FOR ADOPTION WITH CONNECTICUT FAMILIES.

Older Child Adoptions

If you wish to receive emails about older children available for adoption, please provide your full name and email address and send it to: zachary@adoptionstar.com. At least one time per month you will receive photos and information on older children who need forever families.

On-line Profiling

It is not unusual for expectant parents or their family members to search the Web for adoptive families. One of the most effective ways to reach a potential birth mother is to post your profile on the Internet. The online profiling offers expectant parents an opportunity to get-to-know some of the wonderful adoptive parents who are waiting to adopt. By posting your profile with Adoption STAR you are allowing information about yourself and your desire to adopt to be available to all expectant parents who visit the site. This is an incredible opportunity for waiting adoptive families to present themselves online in a Dear Birth Parent letter and photos.

This online profiling will offer a unique environment created for expectant parents and hopeful adoptive parents to find each other, establish relationships, and create adoption situations that meet the needs of everyone. As you know we share hard copy profiles with our birth parent clients, but often there is a birth mother who feels more comfortable by seeking out an adoptive family on her own. Your profile can be the one that makes her feel comfortable about her adoption decision.

Only Adoption STAR adoptive parent clients are eligible to participate in the online adoptive parent profiles. Fee for participation is reasonable and competitive. Rather than the typical monthly fee with other Internet adoption sites, our fee is only $99 for a three-month period. There are also no application fees or additional Internet service fees. It is also very easy to do!

Please click here to start the process by filling out our Adoptive Parents Profile Form or cut and paste this link onto your browser: http://www.adoptionstar.com/adoptiveparents_profile1_form.php
We will contact you when we receive it and we put it live on our website!

IN ADDITION TO THE ABOVE, IF ADOPTION STAR DOES NOT HAVE A COPY OF YOUR HARD COPY PROFILE VIA A PDF (OF LESS THAN 5 MG) PLEASE IMMEDIATELY BE SURE THIS IS EMAILED TO YOUR FAMILY ADVOCATE. MANY TIMES WE DO NOT HAVE TIME TO EXPRESS MAIL YOUR PROFILE OUT AND THESE PDF PROFILES COME IN HANDY!

Our Email/Mailing List

If you would like any of your family or friends to receive our newsletter, email updates and mailings, please email Zachary@adoptionstar.com with their names, mailing addresses, and email addresses. If you are a client of Adoption STAR, we would like to remind all of you to provide the agency with updated telephone numbers (work, home, cell, pager), mailing addresses and email addresses. If you have switched jobs, left a job, moved, etc., please email Zachary with your most updated contact information!

Have you joined these groups yet?

SOFIA
There is NO membership fee! SOFIA means supporting our families interested in adoption. It is a special group. The focus is educational and social. It is for those families who are waiting to adopt and those families who have already adopted through STAR or through another entity. Please visit SOFIA by going to their NEW website at http://adoptionstar.com/sofia/

FACEBOOK
It is so easy to do. Just visit http://facebook.com/ and search for the Adoption STAR fan group. We hope to see you online!

TWITTER
Follow Adoption STAR on Twitter! http://www.twitter.com/adoptionstar

BLOG
Read what has been posted on the blog, make comments or add your own articles, stories, poetry to the blog.
http://adoptionstar.blogspot.com/

Adoption STAR YAHOO Online Groups
We highly recommend that once your home study is approved that you log onto and join the Adoption STAR adoptive parent’s yahoo group. It is easy to join, go to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/adoptionstar/ There are so many Adoption STAR clients (those who adopted and those waiting to adopt) who all have access to each other.
Another online group is the Adoption Star Parenting Site http://groups.yahoo.com/group/adoptionstarparents/ for those who already adopted from Adoption STAR. Please join this group to connect with other parents about the different stages of parenthood. No agency staff are members of the online groups ~ only adoptive parent clients. Please utilize this resource to post a message, to learn from others, and especially to receive support and connect with new friends and past home study peers, etc. When you join, please list your name and your home study group’s name so others will be able to welcome you to the group.

Messages from the Adoptive Family Department for prospective adoptive families:

1. Emailing: If you wish an update on whether or not you have been profiled OR to check on the outcome of a recent profiling please CALL the agency rather than emailing us for an update. Also if you wish an update on your file to see if you are missing paperwork, etc., please contact us via telephone and not email. We receive an overwhelming amount of emails each day and cannot always get back to you timely. Also email can be lost or bounce to spam files and never be received. In addition, questions that are specific to your file and profiling are important to us and we would prefer personal contact with you.

2. Profiles: If you hoping to adopt a baby domestically and are just beginning to create your profile remember to show your family advocate a copy of your profile before you prepare several copies of it. Also a terrific way to make your profile unique is by having it “come alive” in a DVD presentation. There are two companies, both founded by adoptive parents who could help you with this project. For more information visit: http://www.littlelambvideo.com/ and http://www.customvideomemories.net/ (Adoption STAR does not receive any compensation or any portion of fees paid to any of these businesses.) As you know we request only five profiles (for expectant parents) to be kept at the agency. Be in touch with the agency to be sure we have more than one profile remaining. Often we run out of our clients' profiles and if this occurs you may lose out on being considered for potential adoption situations. We will not accept more than five profiles at one time (we just do not have the space to accommodate this.) Do not get discouraged if we ask for more profiles as it means your Family Advocate is working on your behalf to get your profiles viewed. Remember we cannot profile you without profiles, so if you have not handed in your profile and your home study is done, precious time is passing.

3. Profiling Opportunities: It is sometimes difficult for families to "hear" or "read" about available children and come to learn they can not be considered unless they are home study ready. "Home study ready" means that your home study or home study update is less than 12 months old and that no paperwork has expired such as fingerprints and child abuse clearances. It also means that we have your profile too. Without these items, we are unable to consider you for domestic adoption situations in-state or out-of-state.

4. Home Study Expiration: If your home study is coming up on expiring there is a good chance your fingerprint clearances and SCR (child abuse) clearances have already expired or will soon expire. The date of your clearances is listed in the body of your home study document. It is important to keep this up to date. Please contact the office if you need more information. We are recommending that you begin processing your update within two months before it expires so there is no lapse. Those with expired home studies (and expired SCR clearances) are unable to be considered for potential placements.

5. Second Adoptions: Many Adoption STAR families who have adopted previously from us have adopted again! If you are considering adopting again, it is important to begin the process to update your home study. We just want to remind those of you who wish to adopt again, the process does not require home study educational classes.

6. Fingerprinting: For our NY families, the New York State Office of Children and Family Services has recently implemented the use of a LiveScan digital fingerprint imaging process for the submission of fingerprints for all prospective adoptive parents and anyone in your household over the age of 18. You will receive information in your home study packet of paperwork at your initial consultation with your Adoption STAR Family Advocate including the required Fingerprint Information Form which needs to be completed and brought to the LiveScan center when fingerprints are taken. Individuals must also bring to the fingerprinting appointment appropriate forms of identification, as indicated on the back of the Fingerprint Information Form. An appointment to be fingerprinted is necessary and can be scheduled online by going to www.L1enrollment.com or by calling 1-877-472-6915. The website will list locations in your area that provide this fingerprinting service. There is no fee to be fingerprinted and the turnaround time for the results tends to be quicker than the previous fingerprinting program. Once you are fingerprinted and receive approval from both NY and FBI you do not need to be fingerprinted again! If your fingerprint clearances expire before you adopt, the agency will just need to request a summary update judgment report. We expunge records after finalization so any of our previous families who return to adopt again will need to be re-fingerprinted as we do not have the option of requesting the summary update report.

7. Waiting: Your Family Advocate understands that waiting to adopt is emotionally draining and difficult. We have a growing list of recommendations to ease your wait time. The agency’s educational credit system for both domestic and international adoptions has been created to assist you while you wait to become an adoptive parent. Adoption education is a life-long process, what better way to prepare for adoptive parenthood then to continue your adoption education! We highly recommend that once your home study is approved that you log onto and join the Adoption STAR adoptive parent’s yahoo group. Finding a creative outlet often assists with one’s wait. If you are planning to adopt domestically, there are a number of creative ways to help in your pursuit. One of those ways is to place your profile online at the Adoption STAR website. Here is a link to learn more: http://www.adoptionstar.com/adoptiveparents_profile_form.php
Another way is to arrange a training session with our staff to begin the Agency Assisted private track program and attend the special training.
And yet another way is to have your profile come alive by creating a DVD presentation. See # 2 above. These are just a few ideas to think about, and again, if you are struggling with the wait, we encourage you to contact the agency as we are here for you!

Messages about Post Adoption for families who already adopted:

1. Open Adoption Contact: Just a reminder that you signed an agreement to supply the agency with photos and letters for your child's birth family whether or not the birth parents wanted an open adoption. It is imperative that you provide these photos and letters in a timely fashion. If you haven't it is not too late to do so now. It is very sad to have to inform a birth mother or a birth father that there are no photos waiting for them in their file. Even if you have not heard from the birth family, it is still important to keep to the schedule provided to you. Many of our schedules fall into the following category (but check your placement paperwork to be sure that your agreement is the same or if it requires more frequent contact): photos/letters to be sent the first two weeks after placement, one month after placement and then every month through six months after placement, then 12 months, 18 months and 24 months, and then yearly thereafter until age 18. PLEASE also remember to also include photos for Adoption STAR. We update your files with these photos, pass them around to the staff as we all love to see our babies growing up and we continuously like to update our bulletin board! Please send all photos via regular mail attention: Emma at Adoption STAR, 47 Plaza Drive, Williamsville, NY 14221.

2. Staying Connected: Time passes so quickly and our children grow up so fast. We are working, playing, parenting... we are so busy! Even with our busy lives, we need to remember that our adoption journey has continued from waiting, to placement, to parenthood and continues forever. Adoption does not end at the placement of our children but rather it continues. What does this mean for us adoptive families? It means that your children may have unique issues due to their adoption experiences, questions about themselves and their birth families, etc. Adoption STAR can provide you with a list of professionals who provide post adoption counseling to provide you with the support and counseling necessary when dealing with unexpected special needs or other parenting issues.

3. Newsletter: This monthly email newsletter is a special way to stay connected. If you know anyone who would like to receive this newsletter, please provide us with their email address. You do not need to be associated with the agency to receive this newsletter.

4. Support groups: Adoption STAR has several support groups including online groups for you to become involved with before, during and after you have a child placed in your home. Support after adoption is encouraged and enhances the well being of the adoptive family. For more information on the agency’s support groups, visit the agency’s website.

Please stay in touch and get involved!

Your Friends at Adoption STAR

P.S. View our calendar online: http://www.adoptionstar.com/participate.php

NOVEMBER

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – College of St. Rose, Albany, NY
November 06, Saturday, 9:00 am - 2:00 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions or concerns.

Orientation Session -- Albany area
November 08, Monday, 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm
Join us for this free orientation session to learn more about adoption and the Adoption STAR Agency. Being held at the Colonie Community Center - 1653 Central Avenue, Albany, NY 12205. Please call to RSVP or email info@adoptionstar.com

Orientation Session -- Buffalo area
November 09, Tuesday, 6:30 pm - 8:00 pm
Join us for this free orientation session to learn more about adoption and the Adoption STAR Agency. 47 Plaza Drive, Williamsville. Please call to RSVP or email info@adoptionstar.com

A.C.E. Meeting
November 11, Thursday, 6:30 pm - 8:00 pm
A.C.E.: Adoptee Circle of Experience is a support group for adult adoptees 18 and up. Held at the Adoption STAR office at 47 Plaza Drive in Williamsville.

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – Samaritan Hospital School of Nursing, Troy, NY
November 11, Thursday, 9:30 am - 2:00 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions or concerns.

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – Samaritan Hospital School of Nursing, Troy, NY
November 12, Friday, 9:30 am - 2:00 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions or concerns.

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – Suffolk County Community College, Brentwood, NY
November 13, Saturday, 9:00 am - 1:30 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions or concerns.

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – SUNY Rockland Community College, Suffern, NY
November 14, Sunday, 8:00 am - 12:30 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions or concerns.

Adoption Month Information Session - Ohio
November 15, Monday, 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm
What better time to indulge in the journey of adoption than National Adoption Month! Come take this great opportunity to learn about both domestic and international adoption! Being held at 11850 Enyart Road, Loveland, OH 45140. Please call 513-697-7827 or email info@adoptionstar.com to RSVP.

Orientation Session -- Rochester area
November 16, Tuesday, 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm
Join us for this free orientation session to learn more about adoption and the Adoption STAR Agency. Being held at the JCC of Rochester - 1200 Edgewood Ave. Rochester, NY 14618. Please call to RSVP or email info@adoptionstar.com

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – Queens Children’s Psychiatric Center, Bellerose, NY
November 18, Thursday, 12:30 pm to 4:30 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions or concerns.

Financial Planning for the Adoptive Family
November 18, Thursday, 6:00 pm - 8:00 pm
Back by popular demand, this class will introduce applying for the adoption tax credit among other benefits, and financial planning for your family’s future. Adoptive mom and financial advisor Amy Jo Lauber and adoptive father and accountant Mark Tronconi will lead.

DECEMBER

Orientation Session -- Buffalo area
December 05, Sunday, 1:00 pm - 2:30 pm
Join us for this free orientation session to learn more about adoption and the Adoption STAR Agency. 47 Plaza Drive, Williamsville. Please call to RSVP or email info@adoptionstar.com

Weekend Home Study Classes - Buffalo, NY
December 10, Friday, 6:00 pm - 9:00 pm
Friday, Dec. 10, 6 pm - 9 pm AND Saturday, Dec. 11, 9 am - 5 pm. This is the last time these classes will be held in 2010. Registered clients must complete these classes to become homestudy ready. Please call for location information and details.
JANUARY 2011!!!
Shining STAR Fundraising Event
January 19, Wednesday, 5:30 pm - 8:30 pm
Join us for a fun-filled evening of gourmet food stations, wine sampling, and extravagant basket raffles. January 19, 2011 from 5:30 pm to 8:30 pm in the elegant Shea’s Theatre Lobby on Main St in downtown Buffalo. Call (716) 639-3900 or email info@adoptionstar.com for details.

Please feel free to post or forward this email as appropriate.

Follow Adoption STAR on Twitter!
http://www.twitter.com/adoptionstar

Become a fan of Adoption STAR on facebook!
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Adoption-STAR/110156193216?ref=ts

Adoption STAR, Inc.
A NYS Authorized and Florida Licensed Non-Profit Adoption Agency
Hague Accredited Adoption Service Provider
STAR stands for Support, Training, Advocacy and Resources

47 Plaza Drive
Williamsville, New York 14221
Phone: 716-639-3900
Fax: 716-639-3700

2734 East Oakland Park Boulevard, Suite 101
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33306
Phone: 954-566-6055
Fax: 954-566-6255

11918 Foxgate Way
Cincinnati, OH 45140
Phone: 513-631-6590

Other ways to contact us:
Albany 518-391-2515
Binghamton 607-330-2158
Rochester 585-672-5227
New York City 917-470-9340
Syracuse 315-703-7511
Poughkeepsie 845-457-4883
Cleveland 216-201-9177
Miami 305-433-8531

Toll Free 866-691-3300

Confidentiality Notice:
This communication, together with any attachments hereto or links contained herein, is for the sole use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain information that is confidential, privileged, or legally protected, and as such is not a public document. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any review, disclosure, copying, dissemination, distribution or use of this communication is STRICTLY PROHIBITED. If you have received this communication in error, please notify the sender immediately by return e-mail message and delete the original and all copies of the communication, along with any attachments hereto or links herein, from your system.

Please consider the environment before printing.

October Adoption STAR NEWSLETTER

2010-10-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

October 2010

Dear Friends,

THANK YOU to everyone who assisted with our request to list Adoption STAR’s url: http://www.adoptionstar.com on your blogs and websites.
Your assistance with our important outreach is so important and means so much! Please also drop our founder an email at michele@adoptionstar.com so she can thank you for adding us!

Are you an educator? We would love to connect with you! We are hoping you can help us to provide much needed adoption education and awareness throughout elementary, junior high, senior high, college and universities. Please email Zachary Fried at Zachary@adoptionstar.com with your name and contact information and any ideas you may have for us.

Are you in the medical profession? We would love to connect with you! We provide wonderful trainings for the medical community including trainings that allow for CEU and contact hours. Please email Michael Hill at Michael@adoptionstar.com with your name and contact information.

If you are not yet apart of the Adoption STAR family, we hope you will consider joining us. Adoption STAR will be presenting adoption informational sessions throughout Western New York, Upstate New York, New York City and Western Ohio. Check out our website calendar to find an event near you: http://www.adoptionstar.com/participate.php

The next adoption informational session will be held in the Buffalo area on October 3, Sunday, 1:00 pm - 2:30 pm
Join us for this free orientation session to learn more about adoption and the Adoption STAR Agency. 47 Plaza Drive, Williamsville. Please call 716-639-3900 to RSVP or email info@adoptionstar.com.

Adoption Informational Meeting -- NYC area
October 07, Thursday, 8:00 pm -10:00 pm
Adoption STAR will be speaking at WANNABE DADS AND MOMS - A support group for LGBTQ people exploring the possibilities of becoming parents through adoption. To register or for more information contact: Megan at the LGBT Community Center cmfisk@gaycenter.org or 212.620.7310 ext. 401. The event will be held at: 208 W. 13th Street NY, NY 10011

Play an Active Role in Creating Your Forever Family -- Buffalo area
October 14, Thursday, 6:30 pm - 8:30 pm
Adoption STAR
47 Plaza Drive, Williamsville, NY 14221
Adoption STAR offers a personalized training on how you can adopt your baby privately with our assistance. Agency Assisted Private Track Adoption lowers your fees while giving you full agency support and more control over the adoption process. In this workshop you will be taught how to manage and market your adoption journey. We will coach you on how to write compelling and attractive advertisements to place in newspapers and websites. You are in charge of your journey and Adoption STAR’s resources are beside you. The fee for this workshop is $200 per couple or single. This is a $175 savings!
RSVP now to missy@adoptionstar.com or call her at 716-639-3900.

Please join us for our annual Fall Gathering…

Saturday, October 16th
10:30 AM
GroMoore Farms
2811 East Henrietta Rd
Rochester, NY

Free activities include... ABC's of Agriculture Maze No Left Turn Maze Kids Haunted House The Fun House for Kids Goat Petting Zoo Pumpkin Slide Fall Scenes for Photo Memories
You can also pay per activity or purchase a ($10) all inclusive wristband for the following...
Uncle Wally's Racing Pigs John Deere Express Train Ride The Black Hole Super Slide Mini Golf Tractor-Drawn Wagon Rides Duck Races Apple Chucker Trike Track Straw Crawl for the Little Ones! Tattoo Parlor (limit one per Pay One Price Pass) Pumpkin Painting (limit one per Pay One Price Pass) Snack and lunch items available for purchase.

Children are welcome to come in costume. Waiting families encouraged to attend as well! Look for the table marked Adoption STAR.

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH IS IN NOVEMBER!!!

This November, Adoption STAR will join thousands of individuals, government agencies and child advocacy organizations across the nation in promoting the National Adoption Month 2010 Campaign. The goal of the campaign, “Answering the Call: You Don’t
Have to Be Perfect to Be A Perfect Parent,” is to spread awareness to recruit and retain adoptive parents.

Since 1990, the nation has proclaimed November as National Adoption Month to focus attention on the children in the child welfare system waiting for placement with families. There are approximately 513,000 children currently in foster care, 114,000 who are waiting for permanent families. Of the children in need of adoption, 36 percent are African-American and 45 percent are over the age of 8. Adoption STAR works tirelessly to avoid the placement of children into the foster care system. Our unique and compassionate approach allows children to be placed immediately with adoptive parents.

Throughout the month of November, Adoption STAR is encouraging families to become adoptive parents by hosting several informational sessions at Adoption STAR’s office. These sessions will provide a warm and welcoming atmosphere for prospective
parents to interact with real-life adoptive families, in hopes that they too will consider bringing a child into their homes.

Children want a place to call home and a loving family to call their own. This November, remember that you do not have to be perfect to be a really terrific parent. Consider adoption and give a child something that every child deserves, a forever family.

For more information about the National Adoption Month 2010 Campaign or Adoption STAR, call 716-639-3900 or visit www.adoptionstar.com.

Join us this November… There are a crazy amount of events planned!

Exploring Your Adoption Options
November 04, Thursday, 6:00 pm - 8:00 pm 47 Plaza Drive, Williamsville.
This free workshop will introduce many adoption options including international, private, older child, etc. It will also provide ways to enhance your profiles with an abundance of creativity. For all those who are currently waiting to adopt! RSVP by calling 716-639-3900 or emailing info@adoptionstar.com
Adoption Informational Session -- Albany area, location TBA
November 08, Monday, 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm
Join us for this free orientation session to learn more about adoption and the Adoption STAR Agency. Please call to RSVP or email info@adoptionstar.com

Adoption Informational Session -- Buffalo area
November 09, Tuesday, 6:30 pm - 8:00 pm 47 Plaza Drive, Williamsville. Join us for this free orientation session to learn more about adoption and the Adoption STAR Agency. Please call to RSVP or email info@adoptionstar.com
Adoption Information & National Adoption Month Celebration -- Ohio area
November 15, Monday, 6:00 pm – 7:30 pm
Join us at 11850 Enyart Road, Loveland, Ohio to learn more about domestic and international adoption in honor of National Adoption Awareness month.

Orientation Session -- Rochester area
November 16, Tuesday, 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm
Join us for this free orientation session to learn more about adoption and the Adoption STAR Agency. Please call to RSVP or email info@adoptionstar.com

Scroll down to the end of this newsletter for more November events or visit us online to check out our events: http://www.adoptionstar.com/participate.php

SAVE THE DATE!!!
Back by popular request is…
Shining Star ~ a very special evening dedicating to supporting the adoption of children with special needs
January 19, 2011, Wednesday, 5:30 pm to 8:30 pm
Shea’s Performing Arts Center
646 Main Street, Buffalo, NY
An evening of gourmet food stations, fine wines, extravagant gift baskets, and music to benefit Adoption STAR’s special needs adoption program.
This event is being sponsored by:
Buffalo Spree
WGRZ-TV
Creditors Interchange
Dental Wellness
TxMQ
Verizon
Key Bank
Phillips Lytle LLP
Drs. Christine and Dylan Tinnesz
Sharon and Lowell Chick

If you would like to add your name or business as a sponsor of the Shining Star event, please contact Michele Fried at michele@adoptionstar.com for more information. Thank you for supporting our work to help all children find forever families.

Our next set of Home Study Classes will be held in Western New York beginning October 19. Another October start date option will be our Weekend Home Study Classes that will be held in the Albany area and are open to all registrants of Adoption STAR who reside anywhere in New York State. For those of you interested in attending this weekend series of classes, there are economical overnight accommodations available. Please contact the agency for more information.

IF YOU WISH TO BEGIN THE ADOPTION PROCESS BEFORE 2011, IT IS IMPORTANT TO REGISTER NOW.

Home Study Educational Classes – Western New York area
October 19, Tuesday, 6:30 pm - 9:00 pm
This is the first night of a five week program preparing you for domestic or international adoption and is open to all registered Adoption STAR clients. Register today by calling 716-639-3900 or email info@adoptionstar.com.

Weekend Home Study Classes – Albany area
Friday, Oct. 29, 6 pm - 9 pm AND Saturday, Oct 30, 9 am - 5 pm. This is the last time these classes will be held in 2010. Registered clients must complete these classes to become home study ready. Located at the Carondelet Hospitality Center - 385 Watervliet Shaker Road, Latham, NY 12110.

If you scroll down to the bottom of this email you will see an unbelievable listing of events this October and November. Please challenge yourself to identify at least one activity that you will attend. You will be happy you did! Please share them with co-workers, family and friends!

Adoption STAR has helped create more than 434 forever families. Each of our children has their own special charm and we can’t help but smile when we walk through our office and see their photos on our walls. We remember their stories. They’re part of our history. To read stories from some of our STAR families and birth mothers, please visit: http://www.adoptionstar.com/agency_stories.php

If you have adopted from Adoption STAR and have not yet shared your story, please, please ADD your adoption story: (If you added your story and it has not appeared, please email michele@adoptionstar.com to resend your story.)
http://www.adoptionstar.com/agency_story.php
The adoptive family support group, Adoptive Families of the Capital Region, will be presenting to upcoming workshops for adult attendees considering adoption as well as those who have already adopted:

Adoption STAR has added a new feature to our website in honor of our 10th birthday. Please visit the home page: http://www.adoptionstar.com/index.php
On the right hand side you will see: Happy 10th Birthday Adoption STAR! Click Here for More Information! Click and you will see a series of new web pages created in honor of our 10th birthday. This section will be up for our entire 10th birthday year! Or go directly to this link:
http://www.adoptionstar.com/agency_10th.php You will see the following sections 10 Years: A Look Back; The Next 10 Years; Share Your Story; Stories and a Donate link.

Bulgaria

Adoption STAR is excited about our Bulgarian adoption program. There are many children ages 3, 4 and 5 including sibling groups available. If you are interested in considering Bulgaria as an international adoption option, please contact Lisa Geiger at 866-691-3300 or via email lisa@adoptionstar.com.

Haiti

While the U.S. Department of State reports that Haiti has reopened for adoption, the orphanages we work with feel the process is still quite slow and they are still healing emotionally and especially physically from the earthquake. We will be keeping you informed of the application process should you be interested in adopting from Haiti in the future.

In the meantime, Adoption STAR is committed to not forgetting Haiti, especially the children. Adoption STAR continues to monetary support to orphans in Haiti. AT THIS TIME ONLY MONETARY DONATIONS ARE NEEDED.

Please continue to support our continuing efforts in Haiti by making a tax- deductible donation by mailing in your check to Adoption STAR, Inc. and putting Haiti in the memo line. Please mail checks to the agency’s Williamsville, NY office. Thank you. Please share this information with family, friends, co-workers and any others you feel that can assist with these efforts.

Hungary

The Hungarian adoption program is open to all US residents residing throughout the country. Couples and singles will be considered. Healthy children ages 4 and up are available, most of Gypsy descent. Many younger children are available via sibling groups. Also those interested in adopting babies and toddlers with Down Syndrome should consider Hungary as there are many very young children with Down Syndrome in need of a forever family. For more information on adopting from Hungary, please contact Michele at 866-691-3300 or email her at michele@adoptionstar.com.

Nepal

No new applications are being taken for the Nepal adoption program.

New York State

The IAATP grant that Adoption STAR has had for several years is happy to share that several training sessions are on the calendar and are located throughout the state of NY. These FREE professional development opportunities are designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens, and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions or for more information.

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – Olean General Hospital, Olean, NY
October 04, Monday, 8:00 am - 12:30 pm

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – SUNY Rockland Community College, Suffern, NY
October 05, Tuesday, 8:00 am - 12:30 pm

Understanding Infant Adoption Training - Lewis County General Hospital, Lowville, NY
October 20, Wednesday, 12:30 pm to 5:00 pm

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – Winthrop University Hospital, Mineola, NY
October 27, Wednesday, 9:00 am - 1:30 pm

Ohio

If you reside in Ohio and are considering adoption, either now or in the future, we encourage you to learn more about Adoption STAR Ohio by emailing info@adoptionstar.com or by calling 513-631-6590.

Florida

If you reside in Florida and are considering adoption, either now or in the future, we encourage you to learn more about Adoption STAR Florida by emailing info@adoptionstar.com or by calling 954-566-6055.

Connecticut

ADOPTION STAR IS NOW CONNECTICUT APPROVED THROUGH MAY 2012. THIS MEANS THAT WE ARE AUTHORIZED TO PLACE CHILDREN FOR ADOPTION WITH CONNECTICUT FAMILIES.

Older Child Adoptions

If you wish to receive emails about older children available for adoption, please provide your full name and email address and send it to: zachary@adoptionstar.com. At least one time per month you will receive photos and information on older children who need forever families.

On-line Profiling

It is not unusual for expectant parents or their family members to search the Web for adoptive families. One of the most effective ways to reach a potential birth mother is to post your profile on the Internet. The online profiling offers expectant parents an opportunity to get-to-know some of the wonderful adoptive parents who are waiting to adopt. By posting your profile with Adoption STAR you are allowing information about yourself and your desire to adopt to be available to all expectant parents who visit the site. This is an incredible opportunity for waiting adoptive families to present themselves online in a Dear Birth Parent letter and photos.

This online profiling will offer a unique environment created for expectant parents and hopeful adoptive parents to find each other, establish relationships, and create adoption situations that meet the needs of everyone. As you know we share hard copy profiles with our birth parent clients, but often there is a birth mother who feels more comfortable by seeking out an adoptive family on her own. Your profile can be the one that makes her feel comfortable about her adoption decision.

Only Adoption STAR adoptive parent clients are eligible to participate in the online adoptive parent profiles. Fee for participation is reasonable and competitive. Rather than the typical monthly fee with other Internet adoption sites, our fee is only $99 for a three-month period. There are also no application fees or additional Internet service fees. It is also very easy to do!

Please click here to start the process by filling out our Adoptive Parents Profile Form or cut and paste this link onto your browser: http://www.adoptionstar.com/adoptiveparents_profile1_form.php
We will contact you when we receive it and we put it live on our website!

IN ADDITION TO THE ABOVE, IF ADOPTION STAR DOES NOT HAVE A COPY OF YOUR HARD COPY PROFILE VIA A PDF (OF LESS THAN 5 MG) PLEASE IMMEDIATELY BE SURE THIS IS EMAILED TO YOUR FAMILY ADVOCATE. MANY TIMES WE DO NOT HAVE TIME TO EXPRESS MAIL YOUR PROFILE OUT AND THESE PDF PROFILES COME IN HANDY!

Our Email/Mailing List

If you would like any of your family or friends to receive our newsletter, email updates and mailings, please email Zachary@adoptionstar.com with their names, mailing addresses, and email addresses. If you are a client of Adoption STAR, we would like to remind all of you to provide the agency with updated telephone numbers (work, home, cell, pager), mailing addresses and email addresses. If you have switched jobs, left a job, moved, etc., please email Zachary with your most updated contact information!

Have you joined these groups yet?

SOFIA
There is NO membership fee! SOFIA means supporting our families interested in adoption. It is a special group. The focus is educational and social. It is for those families who are waiting to adopt and those families who have already adopted through STAR or through another entity. Please visit SOFIA by going to their website at http://www.wnysofia.com/

FACEBOOK
It is so easy to do. Just visit http://facebook.com/ and search for the Adoption STAR fan group. We hope to see you online!

TWITTER
Follow Adoption STAR on Twitter! http://www.twitter.com/adoptionstar

BLOG
Read what has been posted on the blog, make comments or add your own articles, stories, poetry to the blog.
http://adoptionstar.blogspot.com/

Adoption STAR YAHOO Online Groups
We highly recommend that once your home study is approved that you log onto and join the Adoption STAR adoptive parent’s yahoo group. It is easy to join, go to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/adoptionstar/ There are so many Adoption STAR clients (those who adopted and those waiting to adopt) who all have access to each other.
Another online group is the Adoption Star Parenting Site http://groups.yahoo.com/group/adoptionstarparents/ for those who already adopted from Adoption STAR. Please join this group to connect with other parents about the different stages of parenthood. No agency staff are members of the online groups ~ only adoptive parent clients. Please utilize this resource to post a message, to learn from others, and especially to receive support and connect with new friends and past home study peers, etc. When you join, please list your name and your home study group’s name so others will be able to welcome you to the group.

Messages from the Adoptive Family Department for prospective adoptive families:

1. Emailing: If you wish an update on whether or not you have been profiled OR to check on the outcome of a recent profiling please CALL the agency rather than emailing us for an update. Also if you wish an update on your file to see if you are missing paperwork, etc., please contact us via telephone and not email. We receive an overwhelming amount of emails each day and cannot always get back to you timely. Also email can be lost or bounce to spam files and never be received. In addition, questions that are specific to your file and profiling are important to us and we would prefer personal contact with you.

2. Profiles: If you hoping to adopt a baby domestically and are just beginning to create your profile and need assistance there is an online company founded by Adoption STAR adoptive parents who can assist you with the process: www.petitepublishing.com. Even if you have already created your profile and handed it in, but feel it needs a “face lift” consider Petite Publishing for this as well. Also a terrific way to make your profile unique is by having it “come alive” in a DVD presentation. There are two companies, both founded by adoptive parents who could help you with this project. For more information visit: http://www.littlelambvideo.com/ and http://www.customvideomemories.net/ (Adoption STAR does not receive any compensation or any portion of fees paid to any of these businesses.) As you know we request only five profiles (for expectant parents) to be kept at the agency. Be in touch with the agency to be sure we have more than one profile remaining. Often we run out of our clients' profiles and if this occurs you may lose out on being considered for potential adoption situations. We will not accept more than five profiles at one time (we just do not have the space to accommodate this.) Do not get discouraged if we ask for more profiles as it means your Family Advocate is working on your behalf to get your profiles viewed. Remember we cannot profile you without profiles, so if you have not handed in your profile and your home study is done, precious time is passing.

3. Profiling Opportunities: It is sometimes difficult for families to "hear" or "read" about available children and come to learn they can not be considered unless they are home study ready. "Home study ready" means that your home study or home study update is less than 12 months old and that no paperwork has expired such as fingerprints and child abuse clearances. It also means that we have your profile too. Without these items, we are unable to consider you for domestic adoption situations in-state or out-of-state.

4. Home Study Expiration: If your home study is coming up on expiring there is a good chance your fingerprint clearances and SCR (child abuse) clearances have already expired or will soon expire. The date of your clearances is listed in the body of your home study document. It is important to keep this up to date. Please contact the office if you need more information. We are recommending that you begin processing your update within two months before it expires so there is no lapse. Those with expired home studies (and expired SCR clearances) are unable to be considered for potential placements.

5. Second Adoptions: Many Adoption STAR families who have adopted previously from us have adopted again! If you are considering adopting again, it is important to begin the process to update your home study. We just want to remind those of you who wish to adopt again, the process does not require home study educational classes.

6. Fingerprinting: For our NY families, the New York State Office of Children and Family Services has recently implemented the use of a LiveScan digital fingerprint imaging process for the submission of fingerprints for all prospective adoptive parents and anyone in your household over the age of 18. You will receive information in your home study packet of paperwork at your initial consultation with your Adoption STAR Family Advocate including the required Fingerprint Information Form which needs to be completed and brought to the LiveScan center when fingerprints are taken. Individuals must also bring to the fingerprinting appointment appropriate forms of identification, as indicated on the back of the Fingerprint Information Form. An appointment to be fingerprinted is necessary and can be scheduled online by going to www.L1enrollment.com or by calling 1-877-472-6915. The website will list locations in your area that provide this fingerprinting service. There is no fee to be fingerprinted and the turnaround time for the results tends to be quicker than the previous fingerprinting program. Once you are fingerprinted and receive approval from both NY and FBI you do not need to be fingerprinted again! If your fingerprint clearances expire before you adopt, the agency will just need to request a summary update judgment report. We expunge records after finalization so any of our previous families who return to adopt again will need to be re-fingerprinted as we do not have the option of requesting the summary update report.

7. Waiting: Your Family Advocate understands that waiting to adopt is emotionally draining and difficult. We have a growing list of recommendations to ease your wait time. The agency’s educational credit system for both domestic and international adoptions has been created to assist you while you wait to become an adoptive parent. Adoption education is a life-long process, what better way to prepare for adoptive parenthood then to continue your adoption education! We highly recommend that once your home study is approved that you log onto and join the Adoption STAR adoptive parent’s yahoo group. Finding a creative outlet often assists with one’s wait. If you are planning to adopt domestically, there are a number of creative ways to help in your pursuit. One of those ways is to place your profile online at the Adoption STAR website. Here is a link to learn more: http://www.adoptionstar.com/adoptiveparents_profile_form.php
Another way is to arrange a training session with our staff to begin the Agency Assisted private track program and attend the special training.
And yet another way is to have your profile come alive by creating a DVD presentation. See # 2 above. These are just a few ideas to think about, and again, if you are struggling with the wait, we encourage you to contact the agency as we are here for you!

Messages about Post Adoption for families who already adopted:

1. Open Adoption Contact: Just a reminder that you signed an agreement to supply the agency with photos and letters for your child's birth family whether or not the birth parents wanted an open adoption. It is imperative that you provide these photos and letters in a timely fashion. If you haven't it is not too late to do so now. It is very sad to have to inform a birth mother or a birth father that there are no photos waiting for them in their file. Even if you have not heard from the birth family, it is still important to keep to the schedule provided to you. Many of our schedules fall into the following category (but check your placement paperwork to be sure that your agreement is the same or if it requires more frequent contact): photos/letters to be sent the first two weeks after placement, one month after placement and then every month through six months after placement, then 12 months, 18 months and 24 months, and then yearly thereafter until age 18. PLEASE also remember to also include photos for Adoption STAR. We update your files with these photos, pass them around to the staff as we all love to see our babies growing up and we continuously like to update our bulletin board! Please send all photos via regular mail attention: Emma at Adoption STAR, 47 Plaza Drive, Williamsville, NY 14221.

2. Staying Connected: Time passes so quickly and our children grow up so fast. We are working, playing, parenting... we are so busy! Even with our busy lives, we need to remember that our adoption journey has continued from waiting, to placement, to parenthood and continues forever. Adoption does not end at the placement of our children but rather it continues. What does this mean for us adoptive families? It means that your children may have unique issues due to their adoption experiences, questions about themselves and their birth families, etc. Adoption STAR can provide you with a list of professionals who provide post adoption counseling to provide you with the support and counseling necessary when dealing with unexpected special needs or other parenting issues.

3. Newsletter: This monthly email newsletter is a special way to stay connected. If you know anyone who would like to receive this newsletter, please provide us with their email address. You do not need to be associated with the agency to receive this newsletter.

4. Support groups: Adoption STAR has several support groups including online groups for you to become involved with before, during and after you have a child placed in your home. Support after adoption is encouraged and enhances the well being of the adoptive family. For more information on the agency’s support groups, visit the agency’s website.

Please stay in touch and get involved!

Your Friends at Adoption STAR

P.S. View our calendar online: http://www.adoptionstar.com/participate.php

OCTOBER

Orientation Session -- Buffalo area
October 03, Sunday, 1:00 pm - 2:30 pm
Join us for this free orientation session to learn more about adoption and the Adoption STAR Agency. 47 Plaza Drive, Williamsville. Please call to RSVP or email info@adoptionstar.com

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – Olean General Hospital, Olean, NY
October 04, Monday, 8:00 am - 12:30 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions or concerns.

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – SUNY Rockland Community College, Suffern, NY
October 05, Tuesday, 8:00 am - 12:30 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions or concerns.

Adoption Informational Meeting - NYC area
October 07, Thursday, 8:00 pm -10:00 pm
Adoption STAR will be speaking at WANNABE DADS AND MOMS - A support group for LGBTQ people exploring the possibilities of becoming parents through adoption. To register or for more information contact: Megan at the LGBT Community Center cmfisk@gaycenter.org or 212.620.7310 ext. 401. The event will be held at: 208 W. 13th Street NY, NY 10011

Private Track Training
October 14, Thursday, 6:30 pm
Explore the option of another way of finding a placement in Private Adoption! Meet others looking into the same avenue, ask questions, and gain a wealth of knowledge. Being held at a reduced rate of $200. Held at 47 Plaza Drive, Williamsville, NY 14221. Please call (866) 691-3300 or email missy@adoptionstar.com for details or to RSVP.
Home Study Educational Classes
October 19, Tuesday, 6:30 pm - 9:00 pm
This five week program prepares you for domestic or international adoption and is open to all registered Adoption STAR clients. Register today by calling 639.3900 or email info@adoptionstar.com.

Understanding Infant Adoption Training - Lewis County General Hospital, Lowville, NY
October 20, Wednesday, 12:30 pm to 5:00 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions or concerns.

Fall Gathering Halloween Bash
October 16, Saturday, 10:30 am
GroMoore Farms, 2811 East Henrietta Rd, Rochester. Fun family activities for all ages. Children may come in costume.

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – Winthrop University Hospital, Mineola, NY
October 27, Wednesday, 9:00 am - 1:30 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions or concerns.

Weekend Home Study Classes - Albany, NY
October 29, Friday, 6:00 pm - 9:00
Friday, Oct. 29, 6 pm - 9 pm AND Saturday, Oct 30, 9 am - 5 pm. This is the last time these classes will be held in 2010. Registered clients must complete these classes to become homestudy ready. Located at the Carondelet Hospitality Center - 385 Watervliet Shaker Road, Latham, NY 12110.

NOVEMBER

Exploring Your Adoption Options
November 04, Thursday, 6:00 pm - 8:00 pm
This free workshop will introduce many adoption options including international, private, older child, etc. It will also provide ways to enhance your profiles with an abundance of creativity. For all those who are currently waiting to adopt! RSVP by calling (716) 639-3900 or emailing info@adoptionstar.com

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – College of St. Rose, Albany, NY
November 06, Saturday, 9:00 am - 2:00 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions or concerns.

Orientation Session -- Albany area
November 08, Monday, 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm
Join us for this free orientation session to learn more about adoption and the Adoption STAR Agency. Please call to RSVP or email info@adoptionstar.com

Orientation Session -- Buffalo area
November 09, Tuesday, 6:30 pm - 8:00 pm
Join us for this free orientation session to learn more about adoption and the Adoption STAR Agency. 47 Plaza Drive, Williamsville. Please call to RSVP or email info@adoptionstar.com

A.C.E. Meeting
November 11, Thursday, 6:30 pm - 8:00 pm
A.C.E.: Adoptee Circle of Experience is a support group for adult adoptees 18 and up. Held at the Adoption STAR office at 47 Plaza Drive in Williamsville.

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – Samaritan Hospital School of Nursing, Troy, NY
November 11, Thursday, 9:30 am - 2:00 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions or concerns.

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – Samaritan Hospital School of Nursing, Troy, NY
November 12, Friday, 9:30 am - 2:00 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions or concerns.

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – SUNY Rockland Community College, Suffern, NY
November 14, Sunday, 8:00 am - 12:30 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions or concerns.

Adoption Month Information Session - Ohio
November 15, Monday, 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm
What better time to indulge in the journey of adoption than National Adoption Month! Come take this great opportunity to learn about both domestic and international adoption! Being held at 11850 Enyart Road, Loveland, OH 45140. Please call 513-697-7827 or email info@adoptionstar.com to RSVP.
Orientation Session -- Rochester area
November 16, Tuesday, 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm
Join us for this free orientation session to learn more about adoption and the Adoption STAR Agency. Please call to RSVP or email info@adoptionstar.com

Understanding Infant Adoption Training – Queens Children’s Psychiatric Center, Bellerose, NY
November 18, Thursday, 12:30 pm to 4:30 pm
This FREE professional development opportunity is designed to help health care and helping professionals serving pregnant women, teens and men discuss adoption as an option with patients and clients who are not sure that they are able to parent the child. Contact hours and CEUs are available for attendees. Meal provided. For more information or to register for this training, please go to www.iaatp.com. Please contact Michael Hill at 716-639-3900 or at michael@adoptionstar.com with questions or concerns.

Financial Planning for the Adoptive Family
November 18, Thursday, 6:00 pm - 8:00 pm
Back by popular demand, this class will introduce applying for the adoption tax credit among other benefits, and financial planning for your family’s future. Adoptive mom and financial advisor Amy Jo Lauber and adoptive father and accountant Mark Tronconi will lead.

DECEMBER

Orientation Session -- Buffalo area
December 05, Sunday, 1:00 pm - 2:30 pm
Join us for this free orientation session to learn more about adoption and the Adoption STAR Agency. 47 Plaza Drive, Williamsville. Please call to RSVP or email info@adoptionstar.com

Weekend Home Study Classes - Buffalo, NY
December 10, Friday, 6:00 pm - 9:00 pm
Friday, Dec. 10, 6 pm - 9 pm AND Saturday, Dec. 11, 9 am - 5 pm. This is the last time these classes will be held in 2010. Registered clients must complete these classes to become homestudy ready. Please call for location information and details.

JANUARY 2011!!!

Shining STAR Fundraising Event
January 19, Wednesday, 5:30 pm - 8:30 pm
Join us for a fun-filled evening of gourmet food stations, wine sampling, and extravagant basket raffles. January 19, 2011 from 5:30 pm to 8:30 pm in the elegant Shea’s Theatre Lobby on Main St in downtown Buffalo. Call (716) 639-3900 or email info@adoptionstar.com for details.

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Adoption STAR, Inc.
A NYS Authorized and Florida Licensed Non-Profit Adoption Agency
Hague Accredited Adoption Service Provider
STAR stands for Support, Training, Advocacy and Resources

47 Plaza Drive
Williamsville, New York 14221
Phone: 716-639-3900
Fax: 716-639-3700

2734 East Oakland Park Boulevard, Suite 101
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33306
Phone: 954-566-6055
Fax: 954-566-6255

11918 Foxgate Way
Cincinnati, OH 45140
Phone: 513-631-6590

Other ways to contact us:
Albany 518-391-2515
Binghamton 607-330-2158
Rochester 585-672-5227
New York City 917-470-9340
Syracuse 315-703-7511
Poughkeepsie 845-457-4883
Cleveland 216-201-9177
Miami 305-433-8531

Toll Free 866-691-3300

Adoption STAR and The Reed Family

2010-04-18T08:34:00.001-07:00

Reed baby makes dream come true
By Peter Simon
News Staff Reporter

Buffalo Firefighter Mark P. Reed lost his right leg and was in a coma for 31 days after a chimney collapsed on him while he was fighting an arson fire nearly three years ago.

But the accident never weakened his desire to be a father.

That dream — deferred but not derailed — came true last month, when Reed and his wife, Nancy, adopted newborn Connor Michael Reed, a mild-mannered and inquisitive young man with a full head of wavy hair.

The story of the newly expanded Reed family is one of determination, focus and optimism in the face of adversity.

“The bottom line is that life is what you make of it,” said Nancy Reed, an intensive care nurse at South Buffalo Mercy Hospital. “We wanted to pursue our dream. This was our dream.”

The couple was in the process of adopting a child when Reed was severely injured as he tried to take a hose line through the side door of a vacant Wende Street house torched by a 15- year-old youth in June 2007. He suffered a skull fracture, 35 broken bones, a punctured lung and a brain bleed. Reed was given last rites three times.

Parenthood would have to wait.

“I called the [adoption] agency and told them: ‘You’ve got to put us on hold,’ ” Nancy Reed said.

Mark Reed, now 39, emerged from the coma, got out of the hospital after 52 days, underwent extensive rehabilitation and learned to get around with a computerized prosthesis.

“It was a struggle, but my wife pushed me all the time,” Reed said.

Even during the toughest stretches, adoption remained a goal.

“It was always in the back of our minds,” said Nancy Reed, 42. “We never lost sight of it. It’s an emotional roller coaster, but you never give up hope.”

Meanwhile, the Reeds made enormous progress on other fronts.

Mark Reed volunteers as an ambulance dispatcher in Lancaster-Depew, serves on the Lancaster-Depew emergency management team and volunteers in the trauma unit at Erie County Medical Center, where he was a patient.

“I’m not going to be able to go back to the firehouse, but I’ll always be a firefighter,” he said.

Still, questions remained. Would Mark have the stamina and strength to be an active father? Would the Lancaster couple’s relationship remain strong through the stress of the injuries? Would parenthood retain its appeal?

The answers came through loud and clear: Yes, yes and yes.

If anything, the Reeds’ determination to be parents grew even stronger. It was a goal, an impetus, that helped them work through their adversity.

“We wanted to be absolutely sure we could function again as a family,” Nancy Reed said. “We took a deep breath, looked at each other and said: ‘We’re ready to go.’‚”

Their adoption process was reactivated by Adoption STAR, an agency based in Williamsville. In February, an expectant mother, motivated in large measure by media accounts of the Reeds’ courage and strength, chose them as her child’s prospective adoptive parents.

Within minutes, the Reeds accepted.

“It was euphoric,” Nancy Reed said. “Not only that he’s such a beautiful child, but that someone chose us. Someone entrusted their child to us. It’s ‘Wow!’ I don’t have any words but ‘Wow!’ ”

Connor, who watched quietly as his parents were interviewed for this story at Adoption STAR, is fascinated by a ceiling fan in his house but sometimes raises a squawk when it’s time for a bath.

“We just stare at him all the time,” Nancy Reed said. “It’s a great feeling, every second. He’s the best thing that ever happened to us.”

Connor never lacks for attention. His parents talk to him, read children’s books to him and already tell him about his adoption.

“We want him to grow up healthy, strong and confident about himself,” Nancy Reed said. “We want him to know who he is.”

Nancy Reed used to watch other parents with their kids and feel a nagging fear that she might never be a mother.

Now, she says through tears of joy, “We can put Connor on the bus to school and teach him how to ride a bike.”

Connor’s adoption clicked instantly, said Michele Fried, the founder and chief executive officer of Adoption STAR. It was the 400th adoption arranged by Adoption STAR in the agency’s 10th year of operation.

“This was love at first sight,” Fried said of the Reeds’ adoption. “It was something they were so ready for. They truly are one of the most appreciative couples we’ve ever met.”

While Mark’s accident delayed their adoption, the strength the Reeds summoned as a couple will bolster their parenting skills, Fried said.

“What they went through has prepared them to be stronger parents for whatever parenthood might bring,” Fried said. “I have no doubt they’ll be there every step of the way.”

After taking some time off from her nursing duties, Nancy Reed will return to work at Mercy Hospital and Mark Reed will be a stay-at-home dad.

“My No. 1 priority is being a father,” he said. “This is the reason we’re here — to take care of this little guy.”

Isn’t it Amazing That Grandchildren So Small Can Matter So Much?

2010-02-24T09:17:00.001-08:00

Isn’t it Amazing That Grandchildren So Small Can Matter So Much?
By Judy Chick

My heart had felt so much during my almost 65 years of life. It had felt joy and sadness, love and bitterness, happiness and sorrow, life and death. I didn’t know it then but there was a little piece of my heart that was missing. That piece of my heart was miraculously filled in.

They carried him into the nursery of the Adoption STAR Agency, all dressed in yellow. They handed him to my daughter who was seated in a rocking chair with her husband standing next to her. We were all there, except for my daughter’s identical twin sister who lives in Florida, but through the innovation of cell phones, she was able to see for herself and hear for herself. He was the most perfect little baby I ever saw. He had a pink complexion, black hair, dark eyes, little nose, and a rosebud mouth. It was love at first sight, except that everyone’s sight was clouded with tears of joy The amazing thing was how much the baby looked like my husband (Poppy) and my son (his uncle).. The adoption agency had the new mommy and daddy undress him to make sure everything was where it should be and to make sure they knew how to diaper him and redress him.

For those of you who wonder how you would accept an adopted child. Let me tell you. The child may not carry your genes or your blood but he captures your heart in his little smile, your soul in his tight little fists, and your mind in his sweet baby smell. For my daughter, who went through years of fertility treatments to no avail, adoption was an easy next step. For her husband it was more difficult. But when they received this little miracle baby, they knew everything was right. Many adoptive parents still wish to have their own biological children, but not my daughter and son-in- law. They feel so blessed by their son that they feel that God was watching over them and had this plan for them to adopt rather than give birth. People tell us how lucky my grandson is to be part of our family. We don’t feel that way at all. It is we who are blessed. My grandson is now 15 months old and continues to fill us with wonder. He is such a secure little boy, because he seems to know how much he is loved.

When he was 9 months old, our son and daughter-in-law gave birth to twin boys. They wheeled them into the hospital room where my daughter-in-law was lying on the bed. They gave one baby to my daughter-in-law and one baby to my son who was seated beside her. We were all there, except for my daughter’s identical twin sister, who still lives in Florida, but through the invention of cell phones, was able to see and hear for herself. These were the most beautiful babies you ever saw. They had pink complexions, dark hair, blue eyes, little noses, and rosebud mouths. It was love at first sight except everyone’s eyes were clouded with tears of joy. The new mommy and daddy undressed them to make sure everything was where it should be and to practice redressing them. Neither of the babies looked anything like anyone on either side of the family, and at 6 months, they still don’t. They carry our blood and genes, but more importantly they capture that piece of my heart and soul that had been missing .They continue to fill us with wonder.

My three boys all live nearby. Whether they were adopted into our family or born into our family makes absolutely no difference. The fact that they are in our family and I get to be their Grammy, matters a whole lot. My heart continues to feel all the realities of my life before them. But, the best part is that newly filled in piece of my heart that enables my whole heart to feel a greater joy, a deeper love, and an unbridled happiness that never existed before. Isn’t it amazing that people so small can matter so much.

Local Adoption Agency Sending 1st Volunteer to Orphanage in Haiti

2010-02-04T12:10:00.000-08:00

Ft. Lauderdale – February 4, 2010 – Adoption STAR, the Hague accredited, Florida licensed local non-profit adoption agency handling adoptions from Haiti, is sending their first volunteer down to assist at the Renmen orphanage. Renmen is one of the smaller traditional orphanages destroyed by the earthquake that just wasn’t getting needed help until Adoption STAR stepped in.

Thanks to Adoption STAR, Renmen will be receiving aid in the form of much needed tents and mosquito netting to protect the 52 children from the elements and dreaded Malaria, as well as first aid supplies and other needed items. “But the greatest gift of all,” says Renmen Foundation spokesperson, Yanik Goutier, “is that Adoption STAR has matched Fr. Michel Pugin with the Renmen orphanage as a volunteer. He will be spending one month at the orphanage giving the children some normalcy to their lives.”

Annyse Gross, Director of Outreach for Adoption STAR says that she found a number of people frustrated that they have offered their services to fly down to Haiti and have been turned away by agency after agency. “So I started a list,” says Gross. “Adoption STAR had just “adopted” Renmen and I simply asked if they could use any volunteers. Their answer was a resounding ‘yes’.”

The orphanage reports that every day the children ask when school will start again. Fr. Michel will be leaving at the end of this month to fulfill the children’s request. Speaking fluent French will be a big help. “This is what I was ordained to do,” says Fr Michel. “Help and comfort those who need it most. I can’t tell you how excited I am that I’m going.”

To assure Fr. Michel’s safe travels, the director of Renmen Orphanage, Florence Thybulle, has arranged her schedule to escort him down to Haiti.

As Director of the orphanage, Florence Thybulle’s timing couldn’t be more perfect. She will be the Guest of Honor at Adoption STAR’s Open House on February 18th. “In addition to learning first hand about the conditions in Haiti, we want people to come to our open house, learn about the many types of adoption and see all the exciting support and educational components Adoption STAR is bringing to South Florida,” says Michele Fried, Founder and Chair of Adoption STAR. Donations of supplies as well as monetary donations will be accepted at the open house to be distributed to the orphanages Adoption STAR works with according to their wish lists. For further information call 954-566-6055 or visit www.adoptionstar.com

Another way to support orphans in Haiti

2010-02-01T11:22:00.000-08:00

A wonderful collaboration has come together. Read below:

Forever In Our Hearts…Honor One Tragedy By Giving To Another
Families of Flight 3407, Celebrate Buffalo Apparel and Adoption STAR
Partner To Benefit Haiti Victims

Buffalo, N.Y. – January 29, 2009 – On February 12, 2009 our community was shocked and saddened by the plane crash of Flight 3407 in Clarence Center.
On January 12, 2010, lives were shattered in Haiti with a devastating earthquake.

Today, help honor the families and victims of one tragedy close to our hearts by giving to another. The families of Flight 3407 and Celebrate Buffalo apparel announce the launch of Flight 3407 memorial t-shirt, Forever In Our Hearts. 100% of proceeds from each $20 t-shirt sold will benefit orphaned children in Haiti through Adoption STAR, a non-profit child placing agency.

Laura Voigt, sister of Ellyce Kausner and liaison to Flight 3407 families said, “In the darkness of our tragedy, there is the good. The spirit of every life lost on Flight 3407 lives with every life that is touched in Haiti.”

“The funds raised will directly benefit two orphanages in Haiti through four specific projects: rebuilding the orphanages, sending food and supplies needed, continuing advocacy efforts to increase the number of orphans who are able to come to the U.S. under humanitarian parole and to set up a home in South Florida to provide immediate care for orphans as we identify whether or not they have living relatives in Haiti,” said Michele Fried, founder and CEO, Adoption STAR.

WGRZ Channel 2 News and WBEN 930 AM Radio are proud sponsors of Forever In Our Hearts.

Starting Saturday, January 30, visit www.celebratebuffalo.com to purchase online, or visit the following retail locations:

Spoiled Rotten Bay 6 Clothing Hollywood Collectibles
831 Elmwood Ave, Buffalo Southgate Plaza, West Seneca McKinley Mall, Blasdell

Poster Art Tee Shirt University
Boulevard Mall, Amherst Galleria Mall, Cheektowaga

About Celebrate Buffalo
Celebrate Buffalo Inc. headquartered in Buffalo, N.Y. and founded in 2005 by Adam Wilson and Joseph Garlipp. The idea was formed around the desire to illustrate the unique spirit of our Queen City and design merchandise Buffalonians would be proud to wear. Wilson and Garlipp later branched off to become Celebrate Buffalo, Inc. and own the "I Love Buffalo" trademark, which includes the popular "I Love Buffalo Hockey" and "I Love Buffalo Football" merchandise. For additional information about Celebrate Buffalo, visit www.celebratebuffalo.com.

About Adoption STAR
Many people today are lost and confused when it comes to adoption planning. Now there is an agency to offer them guidance. Adoption S.T.A.R. (Support, Training, Advocacy & Resources), a Non-Profit (501c3) New York State Authorized, Florida and Ohio Licensed, Adoption Agency, is a compassionate and unique organization. Adoption S.T.A.R. allows prospective adoptive parents and expectant parents to explore all the adoption options and to receive the appropriate information and education necessary to access those options. The agency has a passion for identifying homes for infants who are at risk for entering the foster care system. Adoption S.T.A.R. is an agency dedicated to maintaining connections between adoptive families and birth families and offers education and support with an adoption plan. For additional information about Adoption STAR, visit www.adoptionstar.com.

Editor’s Note: Interviews are available by contacting Marissa Wilson at (716) 523-6817, or Adam Wilson at (716) 984-7065.

Adoption STAR lobbying to bring more support to Haitian orphanages

2010-01-20T16:26:00.000-08:00

click here

Haiti Update

2010-01-15T14:05:00.000-08:00

Thank you for your concern for the people of Haiti and the children in need of forever families. Please know that when countries experience natural disasters such as this, their international adoption programs need to halted due to the fact that the tragedy has so many affects, for example it causes governmental organizations to not be working, papers lost, as well as countless people missing or who have died. The loss is so catastrophic it is not imaginable.

We have received many calls and emails since the earthquake requesting information on adopting a child in Haiti and at this time it is not possible to make such plans so we ask again for you to send your prayers and financial support to those providing efforts within Haiti. Since communication to Haiti is difficult right now, we are relying on updates received via social media sites and they are helping us keep in contact with those we know in Haiti. We will let you know if there is anything specific that is being planned to help support the children in Haitian orphanages.

Haiti

2010-01-13T14:02:00.000-08:00

Haiti News Update: Late Tuesday afternoon (1/12/10), a massive 7.0 earthquake struck just outside of Port-au-Prince, the capital of Haiti. We have learned that the children in the Chrece (orphanage) that Adoption S.T.A.R. works with and the staff are safe.... Frightened, but safe. We will remain hopeful and continue to advocate that the children already matched with Adoption S.T.A.R. families will be able to travel to their new homes in the near future. We ask that you send your prayers and your financial support to the many efforts being made to assist the people of Haiti.

Elly's Angels

2009-11-09T10:32:00.000-08:00

Earlier in 2009, the Western New York community suffered a devastating event: the crash of Continental Flight 3407: 50 lives were lost and our entire community still
grieves with those families. It’s remarkable that the families are pulling
together to demand government-enforced reforms for airline safety and to also
find special ways to remember their loved ones and memorialize their
lives.

Laura Voigt,sister of the late Elly Kausner, approached Adoption STAR about remembering her dear sister. Elly was a 24-year old second year law student who was interested
in adoption law and was devoted to her young niece and nephews. Elly’s family is establishing the Elly’s Angels Foundation to support the Ellyce Kausner Memorial Scholarship at Clarence High School and Adoption STAR’s special needs adoptions. Cheerleaders from Sub Zero All Star Cheer Teams, including the Sub Zero Flurries (WNY’s only special needs cheerleading squad) are at the heart of the Foundation’s efforts. We are honored that Elly’s family sought out Adoption STAR and that our special needs adoptions have a special angel. Children with special needs who benefit from future generous donations from this foundation will be known as Elly’s Angels.

Adoption Changes Lives In Significant Ways

2009-11-02T12:54:00.000-08:00

MY VIEW

Zachary L. Fried: Adoption changes lives in significant ways

Updated: September 18, 2009, 12:13 PM / THE BUFFALO NEWS
Lisa Earle McLeod’s recent commentary about the MTV show “16 and Pregnant” struck a real chord with me. I’m an adult adoptee: my birth mom was 16 years old when I was born. I honor her and thank her for making that difficult and mature decision. In many ways, she saved both our lives, and she helped my family achieve an important dream.

I’m not a devoted fan of this show. Like McLeod, I find some of the “reality” in this show difficult to watch. I’m drawn to speculate on what my life would have been like if my birth mom hadn’t made her choice.

What would my life be like if she had raised me? She was young, not ready to parent and really just a kid herself when I came into her world. I know I would have been loved, but honestly, we all know that love is not enough. I know

there are teens who are responsible, caring and thoughtful enough to begin parenting, but in my case that wasn’t possible.

My birth mom’s selfless act gave me the opportunity to have a life that has always been special. I was the first-born child in my adoptive family’s home. Adoptive and biological children followed— and we became a nine-kid family. My siblings are diverse, funny, frustrating (whose aren’t?), lovable and very much loved by our parents. We don’t all look the same, but we’re blind to the differences as much as we are meshed in our similarities. We are a family regardless of how we came together. Adoption helped build my family.

“16 and Pregnant” paints some very real pictures of how teens perceive their lives, their futures and their pregnancies. It’s a tough reality. The episode McLeod wrote about shows a poignant and sweet slice of adoption life. She described the scene where the birth parents were reviewing the profile of prospective adoptive parents.

Yes, birth parents may have a voice in selecting the adoptive family by reviewing a written and pictorial snapshot of their lives. Reviewing adoptive parent profiles is a curious blend of pragmatism, pure emotion and a trust in your gut when you’re dreaming about the future you want for your child. It’s a powerful decision-making moment.

The show may not be acceptable viewing for everyone, but this particular episode tackles a brave topic in a compelling way. Adoption should be an option for pregnant teens because adoption changes lives in significant, hopeful and optimistic ways. Maintaining openness in adoption—where the birth parents maintain an agreed-upon level of contact with their birth child and the adoptive family — enriches a child’s life with broad experiences and a widely open heart and mind.

Transracial and international adoptions, too, are building a robust and new society. Through “16 and Pregnant,” MTV has the opportunity to encourage more teens to embrace adoption as a positive action and not something filled with shame or secrets: I hope the producers recognize the power of this platform.

I’m proud of my birth mom for making her decision. Because of her, I’m part of a large family including adoptive siblings and a half-biological brother and my birth family, too. They’ll always be part of my life. My adoptive parents gave the life that made me the man I am, including passion for adoption. I recently joined the staff of Adoption STAR as an intake worker and in this role, I hope, I can demonstrate how adoption changes lives.

Black Babies, White World

2009-10-03T11:53:00.001-07:00

Black Babies, White World

By buzzsawmag-import | October 2nd, 2009 | Family, Upfront

Exploring transracial adoption in America

By Emily Stoner

Whenever Karen Wasserman gets a speeding ticket, a million things run through her mind. Pull over in a well-lit area, not on a dark side street where there might not be witnesses. Make sure your hands are where the cop can see them. Don’t make any sudden movements. As a white, Jewish woman from Long Island, Wasserman does not generally have to worry about police brutality. But as the adoptive mother of a black son, she has to be sure to set a good example.

Since her son is growing up without a black role model, Wasserman needs to be hyper-aware of her white privilege. She has nothing to fear when getting pulled over for a speeding ticket, but the situation could be quite different if a black man were driving the car. And so, even though Wasserman has never experienced racism in America, as a responsible parent she must educate herself about the black male experience in order to accurately prepare her son for his future.

“In terms of white parents that have adopted black children, they may be more aware of racism in our country, but they still typically are not fully aware of what their children are experiencing, or the experience of the majority of black people in our country,” said Dr. Kathryn Sweeney, an assistant professor of sociology at Purdue University who is currently working on a research project on white racial ideology.

Wasserman, who adopted her son, Max, 12 years ago, is the executive vice-president of the Adoptive Parents Committee’s board of directors and the co-president of their Long Island chapter. The Adoptive Parents Committee is one of the oldest adoption support groups in the country. Max was adopted domestically and independently, in what Wasserman classified as “a very easy adoption.” Since then, Wasserman has become active in the Adoptive Parents Committee and has learned multitudes about both race and motherhood.

“I had to learn a lot about raising children of another race,” Wasserman said. “As a parent, you have to be very confident in the decision that you made, because something, sometime will come up and you have to be able to handle it.
“We have to be aware that our kids didn’t grow up in our world,” Wasserman continued. “Our world is not their world.”

According to Michele Fried, the founder of Adoption STAR, an adoption agency based in Western New York, the challenges of transracial adoption are overwhelming when parents are not educated about issues related to adoption and race. Prospective parents must attend classes for five weeks and complete nightly homework assignments in order to adopt through Adoption STAR.

Fried’s 22-year-old son Zachary is living proof that her focus on education and racial awareness throughout the adoption process is effective. He and a younger adopted brother are black, while Michele Fried and her husband are white. Zachary says he never felt uncomfortable with his non-traditional, transracial family.

Wasserman, a single mother, is also the singles and non-traditionals chair of the Adoptive Parents Committee. When she first began going to meetings at the APC, it was mostly made up of couples.

“Although I was welcomed I felt really out of place,” Wasserman said. “As time went by and I became a little more active within the organization, I formed my own [singles] group.” Gays and lesbians, recognizing that they also have unique experiences with adoption and parenthood, became the “non-traditional” part of the subhead.

“[Singles and non-traditionals] often have very different challenges than heterosexual couples,” Wasserman said. “I think single parents are more often pushed into a corner to accept special needs children, as are gays and lesbians, than are heterosexual couples. And these parents actually have less resources to deal with it.”

Fried and her husband are the adoptive parents of five children, some of whom have special needs. The Frieds also have four biological children. Although members of this family have different racial heritages and are not tied together by blood, Fried and her husband were always upfront about their children’s adoptions and how good it was that they were all brought together.

“I think we all were just aware from the beginning that adoption is a positive thing,” said Zachary, the eldest in the family. “Kids were never just told at some random point that they were adopted. It was built in just like getting dressed every day. We all knew who we were, who we were as a family.”

According to Sweeney, it is important for adoptive parents to be open and upfront about their child’s adoption, birth family, race and heritage.

“People who adopted in the earlier waves of international adoption tended to ignore that their children were of a different race,” Sweeney said. “They would pretend that they were just like them. [Today], white parents, in particular, white mothers, try to learn about the culture that their child is from.”

“Often times people are growing up in a very white, isolated community and are one of few people of color,” Sweeney continued. “Some parents have tried to create relationships with other people of the same race or ethnicity to have those relationships with their child, to help in that way, perpetuating culture.”

But Zachary was able to go one step further than occasionally meeting with other African-Americans in his community. Zachary’s adoption was an open adoption, where communication between him, his birth parents and his adoptive parents remained open. He says that communication with his birth family is not constant, but “at least we have the option.”

“My birth family has always seemed like extended family, like cousins that you sometimes see,” Zachary said.

Wasserman’s adoption of Max was a closed adoption, so he does not currently have the opportunity to communicate with his birth parents. However, as Wasserman puts it, the adoption experience has been “so far, so good.”

One time after school, some of Max’s friends asked him why he was black when his mother is white. As he recounted the story to his mother later in the day, she was nervous to hear how he had responded. “I think there’s a huge responsibility on the parents to give that confidence to their children,” Wasserman said. She soon realized she had nothing to worry about.

“I told them you were born that way,” Max had said.

However, Sweeney argues that adoptive parents rarely are able to comprehend the extent of their children’s racial experiences. Parents often worry about how to deal with their children facing racism that they cannot understand.

Transracial adoption brings up many issues of race and identity, and a focus on education and awareness – not simply pretending every family member is of the same race – will help transracial adoptees grow up confident in their non-traditional roles as, like Max and Zachary, black men in white families.

“The dominant ideology is a colorblind ideology, where we’re not supposed to even talk about race,” Sweeney said. “Does it mean that you’re racist somehow if you even recognize race?”

Hopefully, transracial families will realize that the acknowledgement of race is not the same thing as racism and will choose to discuss racial issues to better their family’s adoption experience. Communication, education and an acknowledgement of differences can help transracial families both celebrate their differences and bind themselves together as a family.

“Love can’t help everything through parenthood,” Fried said. “You cannot go in colorblind, and love is just not enough.”
__________________________________
Emily Stoner is a junior journalism major. E-mail her at estoner1@ithaca.edu.

NEPAL international adoption program

2009-09-07T12:30:00.000-07:00

The NEPAL program is an exciting international adoption option for those who wish to adopt a toddler or older child. For more information visit the link below:

http://www.adoptionstar.com/childplacement_nepal.php

Adoption S.T.A.R. is one of only a few agencies in the United States to be approved by the Ministry of Women, Children and Social Welfare and the Recommendation and Supervision Board of Nepal. It is estimated that the process can take less than one year from application to completion.

For information on Nepal’s geography, history, language, climate, cuisine, children available, adoptive parent eligibility and travel requirements.

How long does it take to adopt?

Depending upon the current efficiency of USCIS (U.S. Citizen and Immigration Services), anticipate that your dossier will be ready to send to Nepal 2-5 months following your initial application. After your dossier is submitted to Nepal, a specific child's referral should be sent to the agency matching your particular requests and fitting your family's situation according to Nepalese restrictions. Referral time varies and may be 1-6 months based on the age and sex of child requested.

How is a child assigned to me?

Referrals will be made by the Nepal Family Selection Board and approved by the Ministry. Once the agency receives the child's referral, picture and medical report, we notify you immediately. If you decide to pursue adoption of that particular child, we will send a letter to Nepal specifically allocating that child to your family. That simply means that the child is formally pulled out of the adoption pool for your family and will not have another family pursuing adoption of that particular child.

What are the advantages of adopting from Nepal?

Nepal adoption programs have been popular because the time frame to adopt is usually under 1 year. In addition with the decreasing adoptions in other Asian countries, Nepal is a wonderful adoption option for many families.

What is the process?

Complete home study and CIS form I-600A
Gather documents for your dossier and submit them to Adoption S.T.A.R. for certification. (This step can be completed simultaneously with the home study.)
Dossier is sent to Nepal, translated, and submitted to the Ministry.
Referrals will be made by the Family Selection Board and approved by the Ministry. Adoption S.T.A.R. will be sent the child's referral, picture and medical report. You will be given an opportunity to decide if the referral is acceptable to you.
Upon acceptance of the referred child, the Adoption Guarantee Letter from the U.S. Embassy will be procured. Once the letter is issued, it is submitted to the Ministry for processing. Following approval, you are invited to Nepal to finalize the adoption.
Travel 6 to 7 months after accepting the referral. The stay in Nepal is usually about twelve business days. During which time you will finalize the adoption in person at the Ministry. The Ministry will issue the final adoption decree and all travel documentation for the child will be gathered to complete for the U.S. Immigrant Visa appointment. In Nepal, an adoption is finalized before entrance into the United States.
Bring your child home.
In addition to the required post placement, Nepal requires annual letters until the child is 16 years of age.

Adoption STAR founder to receive award

2009-08-05T06:15:00.000-07:00

http://buffalo.bizjournals.com/buffalo/stories/2009/07/27/daily25.html

Women of Influence award winners were announced by Business First on July 29. Business First will present awards to area women who have made contributions to the community in 10 categories. Michele Fried (Adoption STAR’s founder and CEO) is one of four community professionals who will receive the Entrepreneur Award which honors women who are the chief executive, president or founder of a company or business venture that they helped start, build or significantly grow.
To read the announcement go to: http://buffalo.bizjournals.com/buffalo/stories/2009/07/27/daily25.html?surround=etf
The Women of Influence Awards will be presented to 24 women on September 24 at Salvatore’s Italian Gardens. The awards recognize the business acumen and community spirit of these women, Business First Publisher Jack Connors said. “The panel chose these women based on their ability to rise above a very talented pool of competitors,” Connors said. “We’re honored to recognize their accomplishments.”

Adoption STAR is proud to be involved in creating a Chrèce in Haiti

2008-09-08T18:24:00.000-07:00

Adoption STAR is proud to be involved in creating a Chrèce in Haiti . Chrèce (pronounced Cresh) is a French word for day care or nursery or orphanage. This Chrèce will be a one of a kind place. It will provide one-on-one care for children in need of adoption planning, in a small, family-like setting. All the children available for adoption will be placed with Adoption STAR clients. Undertaking an endeavor like this requires YOUR help. The cost of establishing such a safe haven requires financial support. An initial $2,000 is needed to be raised to help defray the costs of set up. Truly it is a very small amount. Imagine setting up such a program in the United States ? An example is that approximately $150 ( U.S. ) per month cares for one child in a Chrèce. Please consider making a tax deductible donation to Adoption STAR and earmark your donation to the Haiti Chrèce or Haiti Orphanage. We are a 501c3 non-profit organization so your donation is tax deductible to the fullest extent of the law. Please mail your donation in to Adoption STAR, 47 Plaza Drive , Williamsville , NY 14221 . THANK YOU! Another way you can help is bring this new Chrèce to your church. It would be amazing if we could identify a local church or churches that would help support this orphanage. Upon request to Michele@adoptionstar.com photos of this project will be shared with you.

To learn more about our international and domestic programs, please attend the Orientation Session on Sunday, September 7, 2:00 pm – 3:30 pm at 47 Plaza Drive , Williamsville , NY . Please email info@adoptionstar.com or call Amanda at 716-639-3900 to let us know you will be joining us!

Adoption STAR provides four inter-country programs

2008-09-08T18:22:00.000-07:00

The Informational Session on International Adoption held on August 14 was a success with a packed room. Vera Valdivia, the agency’s International Program Coordinator was introduced and she presented two of the four country programs discussed during the evening. To learn more about Vera, visit her profile online: http://www.adoptionstar.com/agency_staff_profile.php?id=28

The agency is thrilled to provide four inter-country programs: Bulgaria , Hungary , Haiti and Jamaica and will be announcing others in the near future. Applicants nationwide will be considered. These are truly one-of-a-kind programs! For more information on international adoption through Adoption STAR, please visit this updated link on our website: http://www.adoptionstar.com/childplacement_international.php

To learn more about our international and domestic programs, please attend the Orientation Session on Sunday, September 7, 2:00 pm – 3:30 pm at 47 Plaza Drive , Williamsville , NY . Please email info@adoptionstar.com or call Amanda at 716-639-3900 to let us know you will be joining us!

Adoption STAR offers International Adoption Programs!

2008-08-11T12:36:00.001-07:00

Adoption S.T.A.R. is HAGUE ACCREDITED. We are extremely pleased to notify you that the Council on Accreditation (COA) has granted Adoption S.T.A.R.'s application for Hague Accreditation pursuant to the Intercountry Adoption Act of 2000 (IAA). Prospective adoptive parents considering an international adoption should know that, in order to be accredited, Adoption S.T.A.R. has been evaluated based on comprehensive standards contained in the accreditation regulations. All adoptions from Convention countries MUST involve an adoption service provider that is accredited.

We welcome you to join Adoption S.T.A.R. in your journey toward international adoption. We offer programs in Hague and Non-Hague countries.
European Countries
Bulgaria
Hungary

Caribbean Countries
Haiti
Jamaica

STAY TUNED FOR ANNOUNCEMENTS REGARDING NEW COUNTRY PROGRAMS IN CENTRAL AND SOUTH AMERICA AND AFRICA.

From the moment you begin the paperwork to the time you return home with your child, the Adoption S.T.A.R. Family Advocates are there to guide you through the international adoption process. These social workers can assist you by providing translators during your trip abroad, facilitate foreign court proceedings and guide you through the necessary immigration steps before you return to the United States.

We are proud to share that Adoption S.T.A.R. is an agency with one of the highest educational standards. Adoption S.T.A.R. will be available to you during your educational process. While your education begins pre-adoption, it is important for you to know that it continues post adoption as well. Educated adoptive parents will tell you that adoption is a life long process. Whether you adopt from a Hague country or not, the Adoption S.T.A.R. educational program has been instituted to enable you to succeed and compliments and assists in completing your educational requirements.

After you return with your child, you can participate in our post adoption counseling, mentoring and social networks services. Through numerous events and get-togethers with other adoptive families, you’ll be able to benefit from the continued support we offer to families after the adoption process is successfully completed.

One of the unique features about Adoption S.T.A.R. has always been committed to adoptees and their families long after the adoption has been finalized. Adoption S.T.A.R. believes that having an understanding of his/her birth heritage beginning with childhood helps an adoptee to succeed in life by giving him/her a positive appreciation for his/her dual heritage. Adoption S.T.A.R. has built a solid reputation in the adoption community on providing top-quality post-adoption services for adoptees and their families.

We encourage each adoptive family to take advantage of the many opportunities for learning, growth, and enrichment in order to enhance their family's overall international adoption experience. We hope you will consider Adoption S.T.A.R. as your international adoption agency.

For more information on the international options through Adoption STAR email us at info@adoptionstar.com or give us a call at 716-639-3900.

Adoption STAR is Hague Accredited!

2008-08-11T12:33:00.000-07:00

Adoption STAR is Hague Accredited!

Receiving a substantial accreditation rating by the Council on Accreditation on February 29, 2008, Adoption STAR was one of only 150 out of 300 applications to receive accreditation.
The standards for Accredited Agencies are high due to the Convention’s very important mission to strengthen protections for children, birth parents and prospective adoptive parents. Adoption STAR, also a member of the Joint Council on International Adoption, has long since felt that it’s mission to provide children with permanent loving families and to always work in the best interest of children is in line with the Hague Convention. The Convention truly provides a framework for countries to work together to ensure that adoptions take place in the best interests of a child and to prevent the abduction and trafficking of children.

International Adoption Informational Session

2008-08-11T12:29:00.000-07:00

You are invited to learn more about the exciting new international placement programs the agency has to offer.

Some of the countries presented will be Hungary, Bulgaria, Haiti, Jamaica, etc.
RSVP to info@adoptionstar.com or call the agency at 716-639-3900!

This FREE informational seesion will be held on August 14, 2008 from 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm.

Diversity Under One Roof

2007-12-14T13:15:00.000-08:00

Diversity – under one roof
By Jordan Fried
NeXT Correspondent
As featured in The Buffalo News

All is silent, as if our presence has done some wrong. Slowly, whispers fill the air, discussing this unusual occurrence. I used to be embarrassed, for myself and for the rest of us, but the challenge of finding pride in it all was all the more rewarding.
I remember walking into a building any building. Be it a restaurant, a shopping center or a synagogue and noticing the stares. The two gossiping women in the corner, the rabbi and the cashier would lift their heads and strangely acknowledge my family’s presence. “I remember thinking, what could they possibly be staring at? Are we that beautiful?”
It wasn’t until junior high school that it hit me. “I have two African American brothers and three sisters with Down syndrome!” It wasn’t a shock for I’ve lived with these people, my brothers and sisters, for my entire life. Consciously, I knew what they looked like, but it simply wasn’t important. Even today, on a daily basis, I don’t realize the diversity of my family until I see my brother “picking-out” his afro while I catch myself thinking, “S---, I want an afro!”
As a child, I dealt with minimal teasing. After all, my peers often thought that having black brothers was “cool.” As for my differently abled sisters, their presence was bound to draw attention however, it became normal to cope with it. From early childhood, it became unmistakably clear that I loved my family, regardless of what the rest of the world thought of us.
It is of course frustrating to deal with the ignorance of people. “Black jokes” and “retarded jokes” were never humorous to me. They were simply things I’d frown upon. It was hard to turn away from the group of kids bashing “retarded” children but I like to look at myself as a leader and my morals enable me to lead by example.
It was once embarrassing, dealing with all the stares. However, it is my belief that embarrassment accomplishes nothing and pride strengthens everything. I take pride in my family and I love the way we choose to live. Let the gossipers and shoppers stare. Let them see my pride, my happiness and our love. Let them know that we function as any other family functions.

At the time of publication of this article Jordan Fried was a junior at Williamsville North

When Your Child's Birth Mother Is Pregnant Again

2007-12-14T13:14:00.000-08:00

When Your Child’s Birth Mother Is Pregnant Again
(c) Michele Fried

In June of 1990 my husband and I learned that our oldest son had a half biological sibling that was being placed for adoption. We experienced a great deal of emotions learning of the news and making the life altering decision to grow our family when we were not planning for another child at that time. For us, it became the greatest blessing to add this magnificent child to our family. However, having experienced it personally I am familiar with some of the reactions our clients have had over the years when they learn that their child’s birth mother is pregnant again. I have seen reactions spanning from elation to grief. The news sparks something different for every family, but what remains constant is the surprise.

Even when a second pregnancy and adoption occurs and everyone is happy with the plan, I am saddened by the fact that the birth mother has found herself in the same situation again. For those women who choose to parent the second time around, I can’t help but think that the pregnancy was hoped for. In some way, the birth parent may be trying to replace the child she lost through adoption. I have seen women with open and closed adoptions make such decisions. Sometimes a new (and hopefully healthy) relationship (possibly marriage) has occurred in the life of the birth mother and she is more then ready for this planned pregnancy. Other times we must question, “What has changed in your life to make a parenting plan that wasn’t in place when you gave birth and placed for adoption?” These are the more challenging situations. These are the sadder cases when we learn of a new pregnancy within a year or less of the adoptive placement.

A small number of Adoption STAR couples have experienced learning that their child’s birth mother is pregnant again. Each family experienced a broad range of emotions, many had to make difficult decisions or come to terms with choices made by the birth family. In an effort to help others who may one day learn that their child’s birth mother is pregnant again, I asked several of our clients to share their experiences, emotions and advice with us.

Harvey shared: “At the outset, we were thrilled to be able to adopt siblings from the same birth parents. This will certainly give them something in common that many adopted children do not have. I expect this will be especially true as they get older and start being more curious about adoption and about their birth parents and birth siblings. It gives us an experience more like that of parents raising their birth children, such as observing the similarities and differences between siblings of the same birth parents. For us, however, the decision to adopt our son’s sibling was easy because we already decided we wanted a larger family, had already submitted the paperwork, and were so happy with the first child's 18 months, that it was a "no-brainer" to adopt a second child from the same birth mother. This is not to say we could not respect the decision of adoptive parents declining such an opportunity. Obviously, you have to do what is best for everyone. If the adoptive family is truly not in a position to add a new child, for whatever reason, and doing so would make things worse for the children already adopted, it would be better to decline than to make things worse. Each person must make the right decision for themselves and their families. They should not feel pressured to take in a child they could not care for and love in the way each child deserves.”

Teri responded: “When I first learned that Nicole had given birth to twins- almost 18 months to the day after Gabi was born- I was surprised. I couldn’t imagine that she had gotten pregnant so soon. The only thoughts I had ever indulged in regarding a possible future pregnancy included a fantasy where I pictured Gabi at about 4 years- and Nicole asking us to parent her biological sibling. I had never even imagined (let alone prepared for) the idea that she would choose to parent. I wanted so badly for the things she had told the agency at her initial contact to be true- that she was returning to college, and getting her life back on track. When it started to sink in that she had not only gotten pregnant again, but she was also choosing to parent- so many questions began to form. The most pressing by far; how can I explain to Gabi that out of Nicole’s 6 children, she was the only one that had been placed for adoption? I cried for a few days. I called family and friends for comfort and advice. I posted my feelings on the STAR adoption family message board at Yahoo groups. I also called STAR and talked to our caseworker. I talked. It was the best thing for me. Speaking to others about it allowed me to better understand my feelings. Eventually, I wrote a letter to Nicole. I shared my fears for Gabi with her. This was a HUGE relief. After about two months, I sent gifts for the twins along with our congratulations. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I still have the occasional fantasy of getting that phone call from STAR- where they relay the message to us that Nicole wants to know if we are interested in parenting the twins. My husband and I have even had fantasy conversations of bedroom arrangements and twin parenting. The best advice that I have for those who experience this is to remember that sometimes we create worries and fears for our children. I don’t know what Gabi’s reaction will be as she is able to comprehend her situation. I don’t want to create problems for her by assuming that she should or will feel a certain way. As with all situations, I need to follow her lead- let her grow and develop into the person that she is destined to become. I’ll let her decide what things bother her, and what to roll off of her shoulders. It is my duty to be there for her and love and protect her through whatever comes her way.”

Jennifer wrote: “When we found out our son’s birth mother was pregnant we were surprised to say the least! We were very angry at first. Our first reaction was, "How could she do this to us?" After the reality set in, we started to feel empathy for her parents who were so supportive of her first adoption plan. It was weird because immediately we wanted the entire family to know that we were here if she decided not to parent. Really though, deep down in our hearts no matter how much she tried to convince us, we knew that there was no way she could or would follow through with it. How could she go through such a painful ordeal again? Up until weeks before the delivery we never really felt that butterfly feeling you get when you are going to be a parent again. We had that exciting, nervous feeling when we first learned about Matthew and Bella.”

Yael shared: “When the birthmother of our twins emailed me that she was pregnant and planning to abort the baby, I was so sad. After getting amnio results that her baby boy had Down Syndrome, she was planning an abortion. I wonder to this day why she chose to tell me at all--but especially before she had the abortion. After consulting with our rabbi, I emailed her back and urged her to reconsider, that we would love to adopt her baby. The next email from her said, "The deed is done." Then, several months later she emailed me that she was pregnant again--this time with the biological father of our twins. I remember feeling very conflicted. On one hand, I assumed that they were back together as a couple and I wondered if they might want more contact with the girls or feel they had made a mistake in placing them. On the other hand, knowing her, I was concerned that she would not be able to bond with her child. Of course, I also wondered if she would want to place him with us--especially if he was not healthy or "perfect".
As it turned out, he was healthy and perfect. The baby's father has never visited him and they are not a couple. She brought pictures of her son when she came to visit the girls in the spring. She has sent other photos of him a couple of times. He looks so much like the twins. It is hard to imagine that these kids will not want to connect some day. I wish our birth mother the very best and hope she is enjoying parenting.”

Lynn remembered: “When we got the call about Morgan's biological sibling being born our feelings spanned from overwhelmed, excited, and not being able to process. We learned about the baby when he was already one month old, so we didn’t have much time to digest the information. I remember saying, "I can't believe Morgan has a brother." Rob and I had just assumed that Morgan was going to be an only child. Although we did want other children, we were both okay with raising one. We were lucky to adopt Morgan. We never, in a million years, would have thought that this would have happened. I wasn't working, so we didn't know how we could afford the adoption fees, let alone all the extra expenses that went along with raising another child. We had no money saved. We were still paying off the loan for Morgan’s adoption, and didn't think it was feasible. We couldn’t escape the feeling that we couldn't let them live separately. Yet how on earth would we come up with that kind of money literally overnight? After speaking with the agency, a lot of our anxieties were soothed. Placing siblings together is regarded highly and a payment plan was discussed. The experience taught us what the true meaning of family is as our family members offered to lend us as much as we needed to adopt again. Ultimately, it wasn't hard to decide to adopt Aiden. That part was easy. If there was a way, we were going to try to find it.”

Karen responded: “At the initial phone call from Adoption STAR, we were surprised and shocked. It was not something we had ever thought would happen. Our first reaction was “how can we do this again so soon and where do we get the finances, if we decide to adopt this baby?” Then we both thought “how do you say no?” After much talking and praying, the decision was made to move forward with this placement. It took a while to sink in that we were going to bring home another baby. It just didn’t seem possible. We had mixed emotions. We were excited, happy, nervous, (even though this would be baby number 3), and a little scared. We wondered how our other two children would adjust and how we would adjust. We had to do our home study update paperwork over again in a short period of time. It didn’t feel real this time until Justin was placed into our arms. I must admit that it took a while for all of us to adjust to our newest addition. We talked about the baby with our 10 year old so he would be prepared as best as possible. Our 18 month old didn’t understand what was going on. He was not real happy about this tiny intrusion on his life. We allowed him to touch the baby and sit next to us whenever he wanted to. When he was ready to hold the baby, we allowed him to do just that (with our assistance, of course). Our 10 year old was allowed private time in his room when he needed to get away from the ‘babies.” Although, he has been asked to help out a lot and usually does so happily (keeping him involved is so important, he did feel a little displaced this time, just like the last time; although he got over it much quicker. We continued to inform him how much he is loved by both of us. The best advice we could give anyone is to communicate with each other, family, friends, and Adoption STAR about your feelings and emotions.”

L told me via telephone: “Finding out our daughter’s birth mother was pregnant again was a shock to say the least. Our daughter was turning two in a closed adoption. We felt so blessed to have a son by birth and a daughter by adoption that we were afraid to tempt fate. We also had so much else going on that we felt we had to say no. At first we brainstormed who in our family may want to adopt our daughter’s half sibling, but that became too painful for me as I did not want to see that child as a family member only to question whether or not I should have made a different decision. We want to know the new family and keep in touch for the children’s benefit. I feel blessed everyday for our children and know that the decision we made was in the best interest of our family.”

Of the seven responses, we covered adopting your child’s birth sibling, learning the birth mother of your child chose to parent her next child or children, one who chose abortion and another family who chose not to adopt again. These situations clearly show that everyone is different. Each family’s response may have started with “surprise” or shock but each family’s journey took them on different paths. One important piece of the puzzle however is often overlooked. We can more easily relate to the adoptive parent perspective and whether we may want to consider adopting the sibling of the child we already adopted, but have we thought about the birth mother and her situation?

Granted, as mentioned earlier, a pregnancy that occurs within a year of the birth of the child she placed for adoption is hard to deal with – not only for the adoptive parents but for the birth mother herself and for the adoption professionals involved. There have been adoptive families who have told me that they hope to hear that the birth mother is pregnant again so they can adopt again. I respond that it sounds neat, but it actuality it would be very sad if the birth mother found herself pregnant again. One of our “repeat” birth mothers called us almost daily throughout her subsequent pregnancy and had such a hard time overcoming the fact that she got herself in the same situation again. She felt terrible about herself; embarrassed to have the adoptive family find out; and anxious about living through another loss.

If the birth mother selects a parenting plan and allows us to work with her we counsel her to identify why she thinks she has become pregnant again. Was it an unexpected pregnancy or planned? Does she believe by raising this baby that she will fill the void she feels? Does she believe that she can “replace” the baby she placed for adoption? Of course this is not possible and often leads to disappointment and challenges for the birth mother throughout her parenting plan.

On the other hand, if your child’s birth mother is pregnant again and chooses to parent this time, have there been remarkable changes in her life? Was she at first a college student and now she has graduated with a degree and feels more ready for parenthood? Is she engaged to be married or currently married? Is she more mature, responsible and stable? Has she identified additional support from family members or friends that perhaps were not there for her before? It may be hard to accept a woman’s decision to parent when you desire to adopt her child, but it is her right to make the decision to parent, just as it was her right to choose you to adopt the baby she placed for adoption.

For those of us who adopted a birth sibling we recall the moments of learning of the pregnancy and birth and the incredible stress and unbelievable joy that coincided. For those of us who learned that a birth mother parented after placing a child with us beforehand, we can not stop wondering what life would have been like if he or she joined our family and how different his or her life would be today. Both scenarios cause a great deal of emotion that can easily be recalled even if much time has passed. Unexpectedly, my husband and I encountered both these scenarios.

For those who chose to pass on adopting the sibling or half sibling, you may feel similarly, wondering how the child is doing and overwhelm yourself by asking, “Did I make the right decision?” These feelings are typical and expected. Reminding yourself of all the reasons why you made your decision will help you understand that you did make the best decision for your family.

It is important to value the fact that life takes us on many paths and we must find security by accepting the choices that we make for ourselves as well as those made by our children’s birth families. Often these times cause us to feel unsettled, however acknowledging that we do not have all the answers will help us to enjoy our journey even more!

Bonding and Adoptive Parenthood

2007-12-14T13:12:00.001-08:00

Bonding and Adoptive Parenthood
(c) Michele Fried

Bonding is an intense attachment that develops between parents and their baby. It makes parents shower their baby with love and affection. Scientists are fascinated by bonding and know that bonding is essential for babies.

What is neat to learn is that an infant is ready to bond immediately. Parents, on the other hand, may have a mixture of feelings. Some new parents claim when they laid eyes on their baby that they fell in love “at first sight.” For others, whether they have given birth or adopted, the bonding process took a bit longer. I read some place that “bonding is a by-product of everyday care giving.” You may not even realize it, but bonding is happening with every care giving task, such as getting up at night to feed your baby, with every bath you give and every song you sing. Suddenly your baby giggles out loud and you’re filled with incredible joy and you just know you are in love. Sometimes the baby develops a fever and you are more fearful then you expected and inside you just know that this child is your world.

I was one of those parents who bonded immediately to our first child. But what I had to learn was that adoptive parenthood is like biological parenthood – there is no instinctive “how-to.” Days after placement, our very wonderful new baby was inconsolable one night and both my husband and I wondered if we didn’t have the skills to consol him because we were adoptive parents. Dr. Spock’s Baby Care book helped us throw that myth away. Dr. Spock says sometimes a baby is crying because he is crying. It may sound silly, but often adoptive parents are harder on themselves because we think we should innately know what to do. Maybe your baby has colic or maybe he is over-stimulated, but just because you are an adoptive parent does not give you a lesser ability to be an excellent parent.

Our second child arrived by birth and I was surprised to find that I did not bond immediately as I did with our first who we adopted. I was disturbed by it at first, but then one day I looked at this pudgy beautiful child and knew I just loved him. For me it was the acts of every day mothering that helped with bonding and attachment. I learned as my family began to grown (by birth and adoption) that every adoptive placement and delivery is different and every baby has their own personality.

After years of watching families bond and attach I believe it is important to begin thinking about bonding and attachment even before you adopt. Analyze yourself and ask yourself how best you connect with children. What would help you develop a relationship with your new baby? For some women, they have always wanted to breastfeed. Well, an adoptive mother can breastfeed her adopted baby. Although it may be complicated to initiate, especially if you are not sure when a baby will be placed in your care – it can be accomplished. If you decide you want to consider adoptive breastfeeding, the agency provides books to introduce the idea and a lactation consultant can be helpful in getting you ready. Begin to think about how you will manage your time when a baby arrives, especially if both parents will work. How much time off will one or both parents have? How can the working parent have the time necessary to get to know the new baby and to develop a relationship? Think about the types of baby items you would want to purchase when your baby arrives, for example, using a baby sling or snuggly is highly recommended. This allows you to keep the baby close to you as you conduct your usual routines.

Have you researched infant massage? This is a wonderful way to connect with your baby and can be a wonderful health benefit for your baby. Also begin reading child care books and accept the fact that you can not spoil a baby. You can never hold a baby too much. Babies need and thrive from physical contact.

There are different types of adoptive families, some who are waiting for their first child and others who have given birth to their first child and are now seeking to adopt perhaps due to secondary infertility. Blended families, those with biological and adopted children, must enter adoption with their eyes wide open and not place too much emphasis on differences between their children, but rather embrace the uniqueness of every child. Blended families are often known to be more flexible and can see that not everything is an adoption issue. They realize that their biological children also have times when they struggle or act out. A very neat aspect of blended families is that sibling relationships between adopted and non-adopted children are as healthy and close and those in biological sibling relationships.

When you ask a mother of more than one child if she loves her children “the same,” you will often hear, “The basic parental love that causes us to offer daily care for our children is the same. The feeling that “this is my child’ is also the same. But as I would imagine what is true for any parents of more than one child is that we love them each individually.”

Whether you are adopting your first child or adopting a child after you have given birth, remembering to communicate your feelings is very important. If you have taken the new series of Adoption STAR home study classes you know that the first class is called “Talking about Adoption” and it deals with communicating with your child, your significant other and those around you. Our children need to hear not only that we love them but that they are ours: Claiming. Believing you deserve to be a parent and that you are the child’s parent: Entitlement. These are two key ingredients. Being prepared for others’ questions is just as important. When onlookers want to know more, it’s okay to joyfully share your adoption experience. Perhaps you have two children, one may have been born to you and one may have been adopted by you, but they are most definitely your children. At the most basic level, if you are asked if those children are yours, you simply would answer, “Yes.”

For some prospective parents, the fantasy of a child has a specific vision in place and if the child does not fit the parent’s vision, bonding can be hampered until the parent becomes more familiar with the new baby and finds beauty in the child’s differences. I recall one adoptive parent who focused everything she had on adopting an Asian child. Even when other children became available she passed as she was already in love with the “idea” of an Asian daughter. It is also common that in a two parent family that one parent feels connected with the new arrival sooner then the other one – that is normal as we all have our own ways of “getting to know” others.

Sometimes there are unique circumstances that can delay bonding and this could occur when caring for a baby with special medical needs, or for a baby who is premature. I have also seen new parents not fare too well with the lack of sleep that often goes hand in hand with the typical newborn stage. I have also seen new adoptive parents, particularly adoptive moms who are mourning for the birth mother’s loss that they forget to allow themselves to experience the joy of becoming a mother. Other parents become so worried about a potential legal risk situation that they are afraid to let themselves attach. Though it is important to “think” about bonding and to “talk” about adoption, it should not worry you or consume you. Remember, everything in moderation.

If you feel you are not bonding to your child as you think you should be, it is important to share those feelings. You can speak to the adoption professionals you worked with and your child’s pediatrician. These specialists have a great deal of experience with bonding and attachment issues and can help you to develop a wonderful relationship with your child. Speaking to other adoptive parents can also be very helpful.

Bonding is a complex and personal experience. It can take time. Utilize that time to enjoy “getting to know” and “caring” for your baby.

Eighteen Years Later: An Adoption Story, Part Two

2007-12-14T13:09:00.002-08:00

Eighteen Years Later: An Adoption Story Part Two
(c) Michele Fried

Adopting Zachary was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I can remember it as if it were yesterday. If you don’t mind, I will take you from 3 days old to 18 years later as fast as I can… we drove to the hospital to meet the birth mother and the agency social worker and take home our baby… sounds simple but you know it wasn’t. After having my husband pull over due to my intense cramping from nervousness, we almost never got there. Arriving at the hospital we learned that the birth mother was so emotional that she couldn’t get dressed to come back to the hospital to sign her surrender papers. After what seemed hours, I was convinced that at any moment we would be told to go home without the baby. As I shared with you in Part One of this article, we had already experienced many adoption miscarriages and I truly felt that I could not bear another loss. We eventually were called into an office in the hospital where we were introduced to the birth mother and her mother.

There were hugs, tears and surprisingly some laughter. She and I caught one another trying to look at the other. I remember holding hands and hugging her. I remember feeling oddly calm at one point -- just knowing that I liked her. I told myself that I would be able to wish her well and that it would be okay if she took the baby home. Was I preparing myself for disappointment? Was I struck by how hard it would be for her to let this baby go? She carried him; she birthed him; she met him, held him and fed him. I did not experience any of those things. Yet I knew, with all of my heart and soul, that I would love this baby forever.

By some sheer miracle, I heard this young woman say, “I want them to have the baby.” The social worker and her mom praised her and I just yelled out and embraced my husband and cried. How do you thank someone for the greatest gift in the world?

I didn’t meet my son in a fairy tale way. Chuck was told to pull up the car and the social worker took the baby bag of clothing I brought. It was a very cold November day and I did not know what to pack. A neighbor gave me some clothes to choose from and I put them all in the bag. When I first met him, I was standing inside the front door of the hospital and he was handed to me bundled in every piece of clothing I packed! He was beautiful. He was perfect.

I don’t remember the ride home except for sitting beside him in the back of the car. The next thing I remember is sitting on our bed and laying the baby in front of me. My husband left with the neighbors to go shopping. We had no diapers, no formula, no crib, nothing. I never wanted to prepare as I have always been a bit superstitious. I was alone in our apartment, sitting in our queen size water bed with this tiny baby. I truly did not know what to do. So I undressed him and turned him every way. I dressed him again and sat there, stared at him in amazement, and waited. Chuck returned with formula and toys! He came home with a large motorized airplane that rode around the floor and lifted up a bit as if it would be taking off. He came home with a new video camera. He forgot the diapers.

Fast forward past the projectile vomiting, never crawling and walking at 10 months old…to age 15 months. My husband went to some adoption conference in NYC… why I can’t remember… this is the same guy who let me do all the learning about adoption! Now he was so involved in learning more himself… he came home excited with new information on what “open adoption” really meant. He reported that it didn’t mean being “picked” and sharing the photos and letters we reluctantly sent to the agency. It meant bigger (and scarier) things. Scary for me, yet it seemed like “the meaning of life” for my husband. I thought it meant that he didn’t love our son as much as I did. What he was purposing was preposterous. Yet somehow in the next few months I was convinced to write a letter to our son’s birth mother including our telephone number and inviting her to call us.

Our open adoption grew slowly and through the years we have shared great family events together such as birthdays, family picnics and a Bar Mitzvah. With all of these grand times, there were also times when we had no contact from his birth mother. For 18 years I have worked my hardest to maintain our open adoption. I have done this for Zack. Now that Zack is an adult, I of course have the past 18 years to learn from. I still can’t answer one question though… and no, it isn’t would I have chosen an open adoption? That is the easy question -- of course I would, again and again. As the benefits absolutely out weigh any of the challenges. The question I struggle with is would I have protected Zack as much as I have? I am a protector. That is what I see mothering as, but mothering I know also consists of letting your children try to fly on their own. And I have a hard time with that one.

I often made up excuses to cover for Zack’s birth mom not calling, arriving late or not showing up for a planned visit. I remember something my son’s birth grandfather said to me when I was devastated that his daughter didn’t show for the annual picnic. After all, how could I cover up that one? We did travel to Philadelphia for the visit. I was angry and very sad. I just didn’t know how it would make Zack feel and that unknown scared me. “It’s about time Michele that you stop painting a perfect picture for him. You can’t cover for her and try to protect him all the time. It’s not real life. Real life is the truth and my daughter’s choices are often irresponsible.” In reality he said some harsher things about his daughter, but his message was clear. Did she hurt Zack by not showing up? Was I hurt because I was projecting my feelings onto him? Was this open adoption too much for her after all these years?

The memories of the past many years rush by me, often second guessing my actions. I realize now that I sought after the perfect open adoption. Only to learn that there is no such thing. It’s just a relationship – a relationship with real people in real life circumstances. I routinely answer open adoption questions from our clients, my answers often come from my very own experiences. I will always feel close to Zachary’s birth mother even if she doesn’t keep in touch the way I envisioned. I may try, but I can never pretend to know the great sacrifice she made. I will always be grateful to her for giving us the greatest gift in the world.

Eighteen years ago, I wrote in my journal:

January 17, 1988
Today our baby has been with us for two months. Our beautiful son was born on Saturday, November 14, 1987 at 11:01 am. He was 7 pounds 1 ounce and was approximately 20 inches in length. We picked him up on Tuesday, November 17, 1987. We named our child Zachary Louis Fried.
I am at a loss for words. I do not know how to express on paper our love for this beautiful child, our son. There isn’t anything in the world that can make us happier. Zachary is everything to us. We love him more than we thought possible. He is so beautiful. He is so wonderful.
The joy I felt when my son was placed in my arms on November 17th will stay with me for the rest of my life. Our experiences the day we picked up Zachary will be shared with him as the years pass on.
We are so lucky.
Zachary, we love you. Forever.

My son has turned eighteen. I can easily write the same words today that I did so long ago… I can also add that I could not love him anymore then if I have given birth to him. I could not feel more connected to him. Now that he is away at college besides being so very proud of the man he has become, I selfishly have to admit that I miss him so much that it hurts.

I knew that this baby was the son we were meant to raise. I knew that I would one day write a story eighteen years later. I knew from the moment I was handed this baby that I would never take this blessing for granted. Where ever my son goes in life, whatever choices he makes, I will always be honored to call myself Zachary’s mom.

Happy birthday Zack. We will love you forever.

Eighteen Years Later: An Adoption Story, Part One

2007-12-14T13:09:00.001-08:00

Eighteen Years Later: An Adoption Story Part One
(c) Michele Fried

Zack left for College in August. As he turns eighteen this November, I find myself reminiscing about the journey I took before becoming a mother.

Our adoption journey was one filled with great ups and downs. Our first match we accepted. It was exciting as we received updates for one month. It all ended though when the birth father’s mother decided to raise the baby herself. Left with this information and never learning the gender of the baby, I will forever remember this loss (soon to be coined an “adoption miscarriage.”) I cried incessantly and called our home study social worker in hysterics, feeling foolish and lost, only to find her reassuring and spectacular not to call me crazy! I called my friend from my childhood town and cried to her. She too surprised me with great compassion recalling her mother once telling her of an adoption loss she and my friend’s father once experienced.

The second potential match fell through before it came to be when I surprised my husband at our celebration dinner at our favorite restaurant by saying I did not want to be matched with this pregnant woman. Why? I remember quite a bit of information about her even today and though there was nothing specific about her or her background that made me say no, it just didn’t feel right. So I said no. Saying no was hard, but it was the right decision.

In time I realized that I needed to continue with our adoption journey so I spoke to an attorney who promised quick results with a Colombian adoption, but after a few calls, I didn’t feel comfortable with the attorney. So I looked into agencies in another State. I learned of a toddler who needed a family and found myself challenged by his social worker who asked me, “Why would a white couple want this child?”

During our adoption journey, I kept a journal that I only recently found tucked away in an old box in my basement. Here are some excerpts that bring me back to that time:

May 27, 1987
Dear Diary,
With the end of May here – June will be arriving with new happenings: school will be ending; hopefully I will have a new summer job; our home study should be beginning. Chuck and I are just finishing our autobiographies for the social worker from the agency….. I’m a little apprehensive about the home study. I’ve been reading about in the books I have bought about adoption and in the books I have taken out of the library. One book stated that you should not appear to be too perfect or too much in shambles. That you should appear “normal.” Then it added: “Whatever normal means.” How true!!!

August 24, 1987
Dear Diary,
On Friday, August 21, I received a phone call from a woman at an adoption agency informing me that there is a baby to be born in 4 to 6 weeks – Would we like to consider adopting this baby? “Yes, yes, yes!” I said.
Today we received the preliminary application, soon we will be receiving the large application packet – we will send them all of our paperwork such as the home study, etc. And then… we will wait and pray.

October 25, 1987
Dear Diary,
On September 22, I received a phone call telling us that the birth parents of the baby we were promised decided not to place the baby for adoption. Of course I was devastated. I mourned the loss of this baby --- even though I never set eyes on him or her. For one month’s time I though about and often dreamed about this baby – and so, I hurt.
It was a process of hurt, of tears, frustration and struggling. Struggling not to go under – not to drown. I swam to shore, in a way, when I began once again, at the “drawing board” …
… Possibly another agency out-of-state may work with us. Finally there is an agency in our own state that will be working for us also.
Basically, at this time, there isn’t much else I can do except to wait. That is the hardest task.

October 31, 1987
Dear Diary,
The adoption is up and down – and so am I. Sometimes things seem so promising and other times we are left hanging without any hope.
I do not have patience, not for this anyway…
I learned something about myself a few days ago. We were given an opportunity to begin arrangements to adopt a baby to be born in February 1988. However, I turned the baby down. It was very difficult to do, nevertheless, I did it without Chuck’s or anyone else’s advice… I had really bad vibes about this adoption – so I followed this feeling… Now I know that as long as I follow my heart, I’ll be doing the right thing.

After all the ups and downs we found a local agency that was in its first year of operation. This is where we heard the term open adoption. I remember sitting in their office with my husband… nervously waiting to meet with the social worker. During that wait, in a cramped office in the outskirts of Philadelphia, the director of the agency bounced in the office and waved at us. I don’t recall her exact words but it was something to the affect of: “What a young cute couple you are! You will be picked so quickly!” Picked? What did that mean?

We soon learned that “being picked” meant “open adoption,” at least to this new agency. We were shown a large three-ring notebook with one-page (back to back) profiles held together by a plastic insert. I remember flipping through the book and viewing countless profiles of married couples of all ages hoping to be “picked” by a potential birth mother.

Wow. So many couples; so many people to compete with; I was overwhelmed. I was not so concerned about a to-be birth mother choosing an adoptive family for her baby. But I just didn’t want to be “one” of a large group of people. I told the social worker how I felt and she seemed genuinely surprised. “I want you to profile us when you really think that we would be the right family for someone. All of these families can’t be right for everyone.” She didn’t debate me and after a brief dialogue seemed to say okay. In retrospect it was probably because we were open to a baby of all races that there was no reason to debate as the people in the book were seeking a healthy white infant. I wanted her to realize however that healthy white infant or not, how could a woman flip page by page and find the right family… and by the way, how did one get put first or last in the “big book?”

Well, being open to race or not, didn’t make our being “picked” any easier. There were times the phone rang and other times they didn’t. The first call was regarding a pregnant woman who was parenting two to three children already. After receiving some basic information about her, I agreed that our profile could be shown. A day or two later the feedback was we “were too young for her.” What happened to being young and cute?

More time passed.

November 10, 1987

Thinking and keeping at it creates everything.

When you come to the end of your rope tie a knot in it and hang on!

Dear Diary,
I didn’t write the two quotes above, but they are my sentiments exactly. Sometimes it really feels as if I’m at the end of my rope. I do know though that “keeping at it” will pay off. At times it seems as if nothing is going to work out.

November 16, 1987
Dear Diary,
We should pick up our baby tomorrow morning…Please G-d.

The call came. He was born already and we could pick him up tomorrow. The funny thing is neither of us remember hearing whether the baby was a boy or girl. We just remember hearing about a baby, being selected and taking a baby home the next day. We were numb with excitement. You know what I mean if you have experienced “the call.” The social worker says she told my husband it was a boy, but he didn’t remember by the time he had me pulled out of the class I was teaching. It was a baby. That’s all he could remember.

What Type of Prospective Parent Are You?

2007-12-14T13:07:00.001-08:00

What Type of Prospective Parent Are You?
(c) Adoption STAR

We have written this article in our minds several times and have come together to find the best words to describe a specific process relating to working to become an adoptive parent. The key word here is “working.”

The agency’s most important daily job is to find homes for children. Even though this is often stated, it is probably the most misunderstood statement. The job of a reputable agency is not to find children for families but families for children.

When an individual/couple registers with an agency and obtains a home study, they are paying for a service: an adoption home study. There is never a guarantee that a child will be referred to them. No one can be “hired” to “find” someone a child.

To better breakdown this important statement we thought it might be interesting to learn about the “difference” between prospective adoptive parents once a home study is completed and approved.

One type of prospective adoptive parent already handed in their profile for pregnant women to consider even before their home study was complete. They frequently “tweak” their profile whether or not it is suggested that it needs “tweaking.” They not only receive monthly check-in calls from the agency, but they also phone the agency to say hello and to check in on their own. They are excited to hear about other options to creatively present themselves to birth mothers such as the DVD project which allows them to have their profile “come alive” with music, photos, video and graphics. They may post their profile online, create “baby cards” and hand them to everyone they meet telling them they are looking to adopt, contact Adoption STAR with referrals! They also revisit their grids frequently and challenge themselves with hard questions related to a child’s race or ethnicity, domestic versus international adoption, and drug exposure, mental health issues within the child’s birth family, etc. They not only “think” about “tweaking” their grids they actually do their own home work by way of talking to other adoptive families, reading medical journals, articles, etc. on such topics. While medical professionals may assist with obtaining answers to help complete the child interest grid, they work hard to understand many of the issues on the grid themselves. Most importantly, they chat on the online group and even more importantly they join SOFIA, the adoptive family support group and meet many new friends and continue their adoption education so when they adopt, they are more ready then ever to be the best parents. “They” will tell you that the wait is not easy, but taking control of the wait is easy and makes the process all the more special. They remind themselves that adoption is a journey that does not end with a placement of a child but rather it continues.

Another type of expectant adoptive parent does much of the above but also finds a hobby or project that they can work on before they become parents. This may be one hobby/project or several. One adoptive mom found great enjoyment in knitting and during her nesting period created many beautiful blankets and donated them to babies being placed for adoption. Several other adoptive moms spent their before parenthood period volunteering to help spread the word about the agency by disseminating literature around their community to doctor’s offices, clinics, schools, etc. Prospective moms and dads can also work together on household projects needing to get done, etc.

Another type of prospective adoptive parent rarely contacts the agency and sometimes does not return agency messages. They may have been given advice on “tweaking” their profile, but don’t appear interested in making those suggested changes. They truly may be very busy at home and at work that they haven’t gotten a chance to get around to making those changes, but time is going by and we are concerned they are not being presented in the best possible way. They may have been advised to enhance their profile with a DVD presentation, created professionally or on their own. They may have been encouraged to participate in the private adoption track. International adoption information may have been shared. They may have been advised to re-visit their grids specifically the child interest grid. They have been invited in for a meeting to explore these and other options, but have not yet accepted our invitation, or only one member of a couple comes in for a meeting. Often they say that it is money that is preventing them from exploring the other options. There are so many creative ways to expand one’s profile without a great deal of money. We know of many who were successful with the private track without breaking the bank and others who cut back on some personal extras in order to create a larger adoption budget.

No two prospective adoptive parents are alike and our illustrations can not include everyone, but the idea is for you to determine “what type of prospective parent are you?”

Sitting at home or at work “waiting” for the phone to ring is not a healthy way to approach adoption. Actively participating in your adoption journey is the way to go. It is not always easy, but in the long run it is worth it. We find “healthier” and “more prepared” adoptive parents when the prospective adopter takes control of their adoption path.

For those of you still overwhelmed by this process or the thought of this, we would recommend no longer thinking of yourself as a “waiting” parent, but rather an “expectant” or “prospective” parent. With this change, perhaps you can begin to view yourself as an active participant in becoming a parent. Take these examples to best understand our meaning:

If you were looking for a new, better paying job, you will need to “tweak” your resume, you will need to prepare yourself for interviews which may include research, continued education, etc. You will not get a job by waiting for someone to find you, but you will need to find them!

Perhaps you want to lose weight. What do you need to do? I know we don’t REALLY want to know what to do but the answer is we need to actively work on it. We need to be aware and educated about nutrition and calories and most importantly exercise; and then we need to exercise! Weight loss won’t just happen on its own. We need to go out and reach that goal for ourselves.

It is our hope that this article will inspire you to really get involved in your adoption journey. To believe in adoption and to understand that by having a home study does not mean you will get a phone call to pick up a baby but rather that you need to involve yourself in the process! Work with us. We will give you many ideas and tasks if you are interested.

This article may frustrate you because you have been through so much already. We have no desire to upset you or discourage you in the least. However if you feel this way, please examine why you are feeling this way? Yes, you have been through a lot. You most likely have experienced intense loss through infertility and perhaps pregnancy losses. We have clients who have lost children after birth. Perhaps you have had several “almost adoptions” but the match fell through because the birth family decided to parent. These losses are great. These losses can not be replaced.

It is up to you to look ahead and feel excited about the adoption process. It is crucial to view the bumps in the journey as part of the learning curve and to continue to believe and participate in the process.

Children Learn From Parents' Messages

2007-12-14T13:05:00.001-08:00

Children Learn From Parents’ Messages
By Michele Fried

The adoptive mother of a Caucasian little boy sent me a note recently, “The moment for me that really brought home the idea of "adoption as a melting pot" was when I was at the agency picnic and overheard two big tough dads-- both Caucasian-- discussing hair tips for their African American children! Just another way that adoption makes life more interesting and wonderful.”

This mom continued to say that she often hears that her son looks like her husband. While that is a wonderful compliment, she stated that many people then add that “it was meant to be” because they look alike. “We usually chuckle and say he also has striking similarities to his birth mom, so he gets the best of both worlds.” What a brave and beautiful response.

The messages children receive come from their parents; and from the way they see them respond to others. Many years ago when I was a very young adoptive mother, I attended a national adoption conference. In a very large auditorium the topic of transracial adoption came up and a woman in the back of the room raised her hand to share what she thought was a wonderful response to annoying onlookers. She said that she is a mother of children who come from diverse ethnic backgrounds and she is often asked how could they all look so different from each other? Her response was, “I am a sloppy prostitute.” She laughed and expected the crowd to giggle along with her, but instead she got the message loud and clear: “While you think you are retorting with a cute response, what message are you sending to your children?”

Certainly most of us would never think to respond in that manner. But sometimes it is the slightest comments that we may not be aware of that can send the wrong message. Often, without thinking, adoptive parents speak about wanting their own children before they adopted. They have their own children. They may not have been born to them, but they are truly their own. Sometimes, without realizing it, adoptive parents talk about a birth parent that gave up their child, when they mean to say, “Made an adoption plan” or “Placed her baby.” I tell waiting parents that we are not spouting political correctness with our words, but rather introducing terminology that helps our children feel wanted, safe, and respected.

Those of us who have biological and adopted children should be aware of the comments received by family members and friends. Often the non adopted children are told how much they look like mommy or daddy and of course, mom and dad get a kick out of that response. What does the adoptee hear? What does the adoptee think? He does not resemble his parents, he wonders does he belong?

We need to work hard to identify similarities between us and our adopted children. “You have beautiful big brown eyes like your daddy.” “You draw very well; mommy is good at drawing too.” “You have feet just like daddy.” “The minute Grandpa saw you he said you arrived with his nose!” Of course for very little children it’s also important to point out simply that you each have two eyes, a nose and a mouth. Uncomplicated statements like that also help provide connections. When you speak of differences, speak of them as positives not negatives. “You have a beautiful voice. I remember learning that your birth mother loved to sing.” “You have beautiful brown skin. You are so lucky.” When discussing your African American or Biracial child’s hair, remember not to speak negatively about his or her hair being hard to manage or a challenge for you. I know that this is a common issue especially for Caucasian parents, though I have also heard many African American parents refer to their children’s hair as “bad.” Your child’s hair is not bad. It is simply different. Not something you may be familiar with yet, but with practice and patience you will be. Then you will be able to point out the differences between yours and your child’s hair rather then one type of hair being better than the other.

The messages you send to your children help shape their self esteem and reactions to others. The way you respond to others also will affect your children. Though you may not have desired to become a teacher, you have become one if you are a parent. You have the awesome responsibility to guide your children, but also to educate others on the ways they respond to your family and your children.

If you are an adoptive parent with Adoption STAR then you are a STAR graduate of our educational classes. Most of you are pros and some of you may think you need a refresher class! Don’t worry! It is never too late to begin being more aware of the terminology you use and how you respond to questions from strangers, and issues that arise within your extended family and circle of friends. Always be positive (even with question-asking strangers) and please remember, “Your children are listening.”

Beyond The Color Lines

2007-12-14T13:01:00.000-08:00

Beyond The Color Lines
(c) Adoption STAR

Beyond the Color Lines

Years ago, a client questioned her initial desires to first adopt a biracial child by asking, “If we are open to a part black child and not a full black child, wouldn't that be just a little hypocritical? My heart wants to say yes, because aren't we all God's children, regardless of race?” When she first posed her question to me, rather than share my personal experiences I allowed her to get together with other parents who decided for themselves whether transracial adoption was for them.

One experienced mom was first to offer advice and was right up front: “It's been said already that African American kids and biracial kids come in all shades and tones. I think I'm more worried that you aren't aware of that already and aren’t prepared for a dark skinned child. I'm assuming that is the issue. I don't want to sound too tough on you but if you aren't ready for an African American infant then maybe you need to rethink adopting a biracial infant. I do believe we are all God’s children but adopting across racial lines isn't something you should do without some thought.”

Another parent didn’t offer advice but rather spoke about her daughter who is biracial but who is looked upon by outsiders as a black little girl and she stated that she plans to raise her daughter to be a proud black woman.

One mom added that her African American daughter is actually much lighter than a friend's biracial daughter. She also added that she read that many biracial individuals have issues in terms of which group to fit into.

The last mom to share stated, “I came to the conclusion that adopting an African American baby is no easier or harder that adopting a biracial child. The agency made sure to tell me that you have to be open to raising a child of color, no matter how light or dark the child's skin may be. Some biracial children are very dark skinned. Some African American children are quite light skinned. When you make the decision to adopt transracially you have to be open to every possibility.”
Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall begin one of their many very telling articles on transracial adoption with these words: Once upon a time, when the White man and the White woman who wanted to be parents first started thinking about adoption, they asked to be considered for a biracial child. "Not a fully African American child," they clarified. "It wouldn't be fair." The story continues with the couple saying their reasoning is because they feel they are being fair to the child. They deny they are hoping for a light skinned child and insist that if their child is biracial rather than Black she will share some common ground with them.
Steinberg and Hall believe that this idea is more common than not in people first considering transracial adoption. They continue by stating, Prospective adoptive parents frequently call on us assuming that they can be considered for a biracial child but not for a single race child who is of a different background from their own… Very few of those same White parents apply the same biracial vs. same-race standards to Latino or Asian children. We think there's been a massive misunderstanding of what it feels like to be a biracial person in this society. Further, a biracial child who is adopted by White parents grows up having a totally different experience from that of the child who grows up within the birth family, who lives with flesh and blood role models of two different cultures present and contributing daily, one White parent and one Black…Caucasian parents who are tempted to think that their child will share with them (at least half way) in the experience of being White are not listening to the vast majority of multiracial and biracial people who clearly identify as people of color… Since society at large will not distinguish a person who looks African American, Latino or Asian whether they are partly or fully African American, Latino, or Asian, why would a family make this distinction in adopting a child?
Making the decision to adopt transracially is a serious one. It should not be entered “because the wait time appears shorter” or because you “want to adopt a child that needs you.” You are adopting a child because you wish to become a parent or because you wish to parent more children. That’s it. It’s quite simple. If you wish to consider adopting a child outside of your race and culture then it is important to examine why you may be requesting the adoption of a biracial child but not a single-race child of color. It is important to examine your motivations and expectations.
For anyone who has interest in exploring this issue more extensively, Adoption STAR will be happy to assist.

Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Adopt Transracially
Am I open to new experiences: people, ideas, activities, travel?
Do I enjoy the diversity of other races and cultures?
Do I value differences in others and their contributions to my life?
Am I flexible and able to make changes in my ideas, friends, activities, and lifestyle?
Am I able to see things from another's perspective even though it's different from mine?
Am I open to close relationships with people of other racial and cultural groups?
Do I believe racism exists and understand its destructive power?
Am I willing to examine my personal prejudices--either overt or subtle--and replace them with more positive attitudes?
Do I believe in nurturing racial identity in children and will make changes in my life to foster this?
Am I committed to getting more information to learn how to parent a child of another race?

The Power of Words

2007-12-14T12:55:00.000-08:00

The Power of Words
(c) Michele Fried

Those of you who know me well, know I love quotes. I guess I am a quote collector if there is such a thing. I love quotes from famous people and from those known by just a few. I love words and the meanings they possess. I love how sometimes just a few words can affect so many people and give them insight and inspiration.
I was reading something my cousin wrote to his daughter. He posted it on her blog. His daughter is 26 and lives overseas as she is in what some consider the holy land studying to become a clergy. He writes to her telling her how proud he is of her and how much he looks forward to traveling a great distance to see her. He writes about his itinerary and the length of time – the many miles and many, many tiring hours that will pass – before he will see her, and then he writes, “But a journey to a child is never long.”
Those words just stopped me from reading and I read them over and over again. You know, it was one of those moments when I just fell in love with words, when I needed to cut and paste them and email them to myself, when I wish I said them myself. How profound. How meaningful. How true.
I love the word “journey” and use it daily when I speak to clients about what they are embarking on. There is not a day that goes by at Adoption STAR without those of us at the agency listening, supporting, and encouraging those who wait to become parents.
Waiting is so difficult. For some it can illicit intense emotions and for others physical pain. I frequently share that when your baby is placed in your arms, the wait becomes meaningless and somehow all that time disappears. The wait, I have been told and can tell you from my own experience just simply becomes “worth it.” For some their journeys are simple and sweet and for others it is bumpy, perhaps a bit roller-coaster like. However your journey has gone or will go, if you stick with it, perhaps change your route here or there, you will arrive at your dreamed of destination. I believe whole heartedly that you will feel that
your journey had a purpose and your child was meant to be yours.
Another neat quote came to me when speaking to a waiting client about birth mothers selecting the right profile for them. I loved what she told me and she said that she read it on our online group. It was written by a fellow adoptive parent, AmyJo Lauber. So I contacted AmyJo and she emailed me the words she used to help others understand the “selection” process: "A birth parent doesn't choose her child's adoptive parents like choosing from a Chinese menu but, rather, recognizes them." Another profound sentence that made me read it over and over again. I just love it. I love it because it’s true. AmyJo describes her thoughts when writing these words, “Of course, I'm making a huge assumption but that's truly how I feel it works. Just like when you meet someone and you feel you've known them forever, it's more like you remember them.”
How we struggle to describe what is un-describable – the act of a woman deciding who will parent her child. We are always asked, “Why were we chosen?” and of course, “Why weren’t we chosen?” While at times reasons for both are available, many times, even the woman herself can not find the words to describe the why’s but rather the fact that she “just knows.” AmyJo’s understanding of the process and her special words, and my cousin’s words to his daughter, hopefully will help those who sometimes feel adoption is just a competition to begin to realize that it is also a part of the journey. We must remember that a birth parent has a journey to travel too. Eventually they will intersect because it is with these two paths that the child begins his own.

Talking To Your Child About Adoption: 10 Steps

2007-12-14T12:48:00.000-08:00

Talking To Your Child About Adoption: 10 Steps
(c) Adoption STAR, Inc.

Adoption STAR facilitates a class called, “Talking About Adoption.” In this class prospective adoptive parents are challenged to look into the future and identify how they may handle adoption related situations based on the developmental stage of their child.
Talking about adoption is an overwhelming thought for many prospective adopters, many who have not yet even shared their desire to adopt with some family members, friends or co-workers. So adding the extra piece of how one would answer young children’s questions about adoption can be intimidating.
The following list provides 10 suggestions on how we should talk to children about adoption.

1. Start Early. Yes, start talking to your child about adoption during infancy! Even though your child may not understand, it's practice for you. Your child, even as an infant, gets to hear the word "adopted" in a positive context. The word adoption becomes as commonplace as everyday terms.

2. Use Positive Adoption Language. Using appropriate adoption language such as “placed for adoption”, “made an adoption plan”, makes the process of adoption less intimidating then having your child hear words like, “given away” or “given up.” It is your job to become familiar with positive adoption language so that you can naturally share your knowledge with your child and those around you.

3. Answer the Questions Your Child Asks. Be sure you know what your child is asking. If you are not sure what the question really is, ask your child what s/he means by returning the question to your child. Often a child does not have the same terminology as we do and you may not be answering your child’s question at all. Listen to your children and give them what they need, not what you need. A tall order, perhaps, but it is the real meaning of parenthood.

4. Be Honest. By being honest you must also consider your child’s developmental stages. The adoption story belongs to your child, and the child has a right to know that story. It is natural for parents to want to make everything sound perfect and to take away any possible loss or pain for our children, but it doesn’t give us the right to replace missing facts or soften harsh ones. “Developmentally appropriate” conversations require you to think carefully about how to discuss difficult issues without lying. “For example, if you know your child was conceived by rape, you don’t want to start out by saying your mommy and daddy loved each other very much,” says Lois Melina, author of Making Sense of Adoption and Raising Adopted Children. “You can say something that would imply that their parents didn’t know each other very well.” If you don't know the answer, say so. Show that you share your child's curiosity and that you would like to know too.

5. Include Information About Your Child's Actual Birth. Many adoptees report they grew up thinking they weren't born like other people are. In Adoption STAR’s Talking About Adoption Class, participants often laugh when they hear about pre-schoolers explaining they weren’t born, they were adopted. Sharing your child’s birth story is as important as their adoption story. It is often missed because nobody talks about their birth, because it occurred before you. Share as much information as you have about your child’s birth and if you aren’t blessed with that information be sure to let your child know that s/he was born just like everyone else.

6. Keep Talking. Don't wait for your child to raise the subject about adoption. Keep the communication lines open. Raise the subject every once in a while by saying, for example, “I was remembering when we adopted you and when we went to the agency…” or “I was just thinking of your birth mother and wondering…” Your child's understanding is developing and growing all the time. Don't assume that s/he got all the details the last time you spoke about it. Repetition helps a child absorb the concepts surrounding adoption. So it’s important for the parent to revisit the information frequently. Another technique is to use indirect conversation, that’s talking to another person while your child is in the room. This type of conversation allows parents to keep the subject open without forcing the child to participate. “It’s directly meant for the child to hear, but it’s not talking to the child,” says Joyce Maguire Pavao, Ed.D., founder of the Center for Family Connections in Cambridge, MA, and author of The Family of Adoption. For example, she says, a dad— knowing his child is nearby—might ask his wife, “I always think of Lisa on Mother’s Day because she’s Sally’s birthmother. Should we buy flowers for Lisa and put them on the mantel in honor of her, or should we send her a card?”
Another idea is as adoption expert, Holly van Gulden calls, “leaving pebbles.” You make a small comment about a topic and then see if the child responds. For example, a stranger’s nosy questions could prompt you to say later, “Wow, that woman was really nosy about our family, I wonder what she was thinking?” Wait to see what, if anything, your child says and use that response to set the course of conversation. Also don’t forget that the direct approach may work just as well by simply asking, “Do you have any questions about adoption?”

7. Talk About Birth Parents. No matter the type of adoption, refer to your child’s birth parents by their name, if known. Your positive attitude and comfort to talk about your child’s birth parents is very important in building your child's self-esteem. It also sends a message to your child that you are there for them to talk to and if they ask about their birth parents, it will not upset you. Adult adoptees often share that they were concerned they were hurting their adoptive parents if they asked questions about their birth parents.

8. Acknowledge and Accept Your Child's Feelings. Listen for the feelings behind your child's comments and questions. Curiosity and sadness are natural responses to being adopted. Don't take expressions about wanting to meet birth parents as a reflection on you or your parenting. We don't like to see our children experiencing sadness or pain, but adoption is a mixture of joy and pain, loss and gain for all of us. Acknowledge this and help to make your child feel comfortable about talking about it. It is also beneficial with young children to help them develop a feeling-word vocabulary. Also look for nonverbal ways to help your child work through adoption issues. Some children might benefit from drawing pictures about their adoption story. Older children can write in a journal.

9. Prepare a Lifebook. Lifebooks are storybooks for children and are excellent ways to share your child’s adoption story with them. Be sure to include birth family information, foster family, orphanage, etc., as applicable. Include photos of birth family if available.

10. You Are the Parent. As a parent, you know your child best, don’t forget that. You are your child’s parent and talking about adoption will be comfortable in time if you allow yourself to acknowledge you are the expert, you are the parent. As adopted children develop adoption understanding, increasingly complex questions and issues arise. The more comfortable you are as parents, the more your child will entrust their questions, thoughts and feelings to you. This is the cornerstone of communication within a healthy family. Parents need support too, so don’t forget to also lean on adoption professionals. Remember Adoption STAR is here for you. Join SOFIA, the adoptive parent support group, if you haven’t already. Talk to other adoptive parents, share and learn from them.

A Day in the Life of a Mom, by Michele Fried

2007-10-24T12:03:00.000-07:00

A Day in the Life of a Mom
© Michele Fried

As my children are getting older (and so am I), motherhood seems to be defined in so many different ways. One thing remains constant, however, and that is how it feels to be afraid for your child. Before I became a mom, so many people told me how hard being a parent was. In my early months of parenting I never could understand what they meant because everyday mothering was more wonderful. Until one day while feeding my first, hives popped out all over his body. Then on another day a child on the bus would not sit next to my child. Then it was ear tube surgery and another time eye surgery. Somehow I managed to get through these times (so did the kids.) I was being a mom.

When the doctor called to tell me that our 14-year-old’s scoliosis x-ray was normal, I didn’t expect him to say, “We have some concerning information though. The x-ray shows that your son’s heart appears enlarged.” I was at work when I received the call so I naturally wrote down what he said, much like a case note I would have written for a client. I was professional. I was calm. What do I do? He told me. I did it. Cardiology appointment made. Everything organized. I was being a mom.

Hard part now… I need to tell someone. Husband, yes, call him. And so I told him. He had way too many questions and I had no answers. I would not search the Internet knowing I would only find doom. Since the appointment was almost three weeks away, we decided not to tell our son about the cardiology appointment until closer to the date.
Did even one day pass with me forgetting that something may be wrong with my son’s heart? Not one day. When my mother told me she was so worried about it, I snapped at her telling her that I could not talk about it. Professional. Calm. I was being a mom.

The day before the appointment I finally told my son that he would need to miss some school the next morning because he had a doctor’s appointment. Besides being a bit stressed over missing a class or two at the very start of his freshman year in high school, he handled it well. But then he didn’t ask why he had a doctor’s appointment. From experience, I have learned only to give a child the information he wants to know when he is ready to know. Later that night he asked and I told him. He asked if it was identified that his heart was truly enlarged what would it mean? I told him I wasn’t sure but that medication, diet and an exercise program may be prescribed. Okay, I cheated and looked on the Internet. I was being a mom.

The appointment came and we sat in the pediatric cardiology waiting room with young mothers and their infants. We sat amongst the toys that my son doesn’t play with anymore because he is a teenager. After filling out the new patient forms, a kind doctor came to the waiting room to greet us. In less than 20 minutes I watched my son being weighed; have his oxygen level taken; an EKG and an ultrasound done of his heart. The doctor engaged my son in conversation and educated me (and the medical student beside us) about hearts. He then said, “Nothing to worry about mom. His heart is fine.” Very simple words, yet I cry now as I type them and I cried when I first heard them. I thanked G-d of course, and the doctor.

And so it is an emotional day because my son is okay. I’m just being a mom.

2007-10-22T09:58:00.001-07:00

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