Adoption S.T.A.R. is HAGUE ACCREDITED. We are extremely pleased to notify you that the Council on Accreditation (COA) has granted Adoption S.T.A.R.'s application for Hague Accreditation pursuant to the Intercountry Adoption Act of 2000 (IAA). Prospective adoptive parents considering an international adoption should know that, in order to be accredited, Adoption S.T.A.R. has been evaluated based on comprehensive standards contained in the accreditation regulations. All adoptions from Convention countries MUST involve an adoption service provider that is accredited.
We welcome you to join Adoption S.T.A.R. in your journey toward international adoption. We offer programs in Hague and Non-Hague countries.
European Countries
Bulgaria
Hungary
Caribbean Countries
Haiti
Jamaica
STAY TUNED FOR ANNOUNCEMENTS REGARDING NEW COUNTRY PROGRAMS IN CENTRAL AND SOUTH AMERICA AND AFRICA.
From the moment you begin the paperwork to the time you return home with your child, the Adoption S.T.A.R. Family Advocates are there to guide you through the international adoption process. These social workers can assist you by providing translators during your trip abroad, facilitate foreign court proceedings and guide you through the necessary immigration steps before you return to the United States.
We are proud to share that Adoption S.T.A.R. is an agency with one of the highest educational standards. Adoption S.T.A.R. will be available to you during your educational process. While your education begins pre-adoption, it is important for you to know that it continues post adoption as well. Educated adoptive parents will tell you that adoption is a life long process. Whether you adopt from a Hague country or not, the Adoption S.T.A.R. educational program has been instituted to enable you to succeed and compliments and assists in completing your educational requirements.
After you return with your child, you can participate in our post adoption counseling, mentoring and social networks services. Through numerous events and get-togethers with other adoptive families, you’ll be able to benefit from the continued support we offer to families after the adoption process is successfully completed.
One of the unique features about Adoption S.T.A.R. has always been committed to adoptees and their families long after the adoption has been finalized. Adoption S.T.A.R. believes that having an understanding of his/her birth heritage beginning with childhood helps an adoptee to succeed in life by giving him/her a positive appreciation for his/her dual heritage. Adoption S.T.A.R. has built a solid reputation in the adoption community on providing top-quality post-adoption services for adoptees and their families.
We encourage each adoptive family to take advantage of the many opportunities for learning, growth, and enrichment in order to enhance their family's overall international adoption experience. We hope you will consider Adoption S.T.A.R. as your international adoption agency.
For more information on the international options through Adoption STAR email us at info@adoptionstar.com or give us a call at 716-639-3900.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Adoption STAR is Hague Accredited!
Adoption STAR is Hague Accredited!
Receiving a substantial accreditation rating by the Council on Accreditation on February 29, 2008, Adoption STAR was one of only 150 out of 300 applications to receive accreditation.
The standards for Accredited Agencies are high due to the Convention’s very important mission to strengthen protections for children, birth parents and prospective adoptive parents. Adoption STAR, also a member of the Joint Council on International Adoption, has long since felt that it’s mission to provide children with permanent loving families and to always work in the best interest of children is in line with the Hague Convention. The Convention truly provides a framework for countries to work together to ensure that adoptions take place in the best interests of a child and to prevent the abduction and trafficking of children.
Receiving a substantial accreditation rating by the Council on Accreditation on February 29, 2008, Adoption STAR was one of only 150 out of 300 applications to receive accreditation.
The standards for Accredited Agencies are high due to the Convention’s very important mission to strengthen protections for children, birth parents and prospective adoptive parents. Adoption STAR, also a member of the Joint Council on International Adoption, has long since felt that it’s mission to provide children with permanent loving families and to always work in the best interest of children is in line with the Hague Convention. The Convention truly provides a framework for countries to work together to ensure that adoptions take place in the best interests of a child and to prevent the abduction and trafficking of children.
International Adoption Informational Session
You are invited to learn more about the exciting new international placement programs the agency has to offer.
Some of the countries presented will be Hungary, Bulgaria, Haiti, Jamaica, etc.
RSVP to info@adoptionstar.com or call the agency at 716-639-3900!
This FREE informational seesion will be held on August 14, 2008 from 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm.
Some of the countries presented will be Hungary, Bulgaria, Haiti, Jamaica, etc.
RSVP to info@adoptionstar.com or call the agency at 716-639-3900!
This FREE informational seesion will be held on August 14, 2008 from 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Diversity Under One Roof
Diversity – under one roof
By Jordan Fried
NeXT Correspondent
As featured in The Buffalo News
All is silent, as if our presence has done some wrong. Slowly, whispers fill the air, discussing this unusual occurrence. I used to be embarrassed, for myself and for the rest of us, but the challenge of finding pride in it all was all the more rewarding.
I remember walking into a building any building. Be it a restaurant, a shopping center or a synagogue and noticing the stares. The two gossiping women in the corner, the rabbi and the cashier would lift their heads and strangely acknowledge my family’s presence. “I remember thinking, what could they possibly be staring at? Are we that beautiful?”
It wasn’t until junior high school that it hit me. “I have two African American brothers and three sisters with Down syndrome!” It wasn’t a shock for I’ve lived with these people, my brothers and sisters, for my entire life. Consciously, I knew what they looked like, but it simply wasn’t important. Even today, on a daily basis, I don’t realize the diversity of my family until I see my brother “picking-out” his afro while I catch myself thinking, “S---, I want an afro!”
As a child, I dealt with minimal teasing. After all, my peers often thought that having black brothers was “cool.” As for my differently abled sisters, their presence was bound to draw attention however, it became normal to cope with it. From early childhood, it became unmistakably clear that I loved my family, regardless of what the rest of the world thought of us.
It is of course frustrating to deal with the ignorance of people. “Black jokes” and “retarded jokes” were never humorous to me. They were simply things I’d frown upon. It was hard to turn away from the group of kids bashing “retarded” children but I like to look at myself as a leader and my morals enable me to lead by example.
It was once embarrassing, dealing with all the stares. However, it is my belief that embarrassment accomplishes nothing and pride strengthens everything. I take pride in my family and I love the way we choose to live. Let the gossipers and shoppers stare. Let them see my pride, my happiness and our love. Let them know that we function as any other family functions.
At the time of publication of this article Jordan Fried was a junior at Williamsville North
By Jordan Fried
NeXT Correspondent
As featured in The Buffalo News
All is silent, as if our presence has done some wrong. Slowly, whispers fill the air, discussing this unusual occurrence. I used to be embarrassed, for myself and for the rest of us, but the challenge of finding pride in it all was all the more rewarding.
I remember walking into a building any building. Be it a restaurant, a shopping center or a synagogue and noticing the stares. The two gossiping women in the corner, the rabbi and the cashier would lift their heads and strangely acknowledge my family’s presence. “I remember thinking, what could they possibly be staring at? Are we that beautiful?”
It wasn’t until junior high school that it hit me. “I have two African American brothers and three sisters with Down syndrome!” It wasn’t a shock for I’ve lived with these people, my brothers and sisters, for my entire life. Consciously, I knew what they looked like, but it simply wasn’t important. Even today, on a daily basis, I don’t realize the diversity of my family until I see my brother “picking-out” his afro while I catch myself thinking, “S---, I want an afro!”
As a child, I dealt with minimal teasing. After all, my peers often thought that having black brothers was “cool.” As for my differently abled sisters, their presence was bound to draw attention however, it became normal to cope with it. From early childhood, it became unmistakably clear that I loved my family, regardless of what the rest of the world thought of us.
It is of course frustrating to deal with the ignorance of people. “Black jokes” and “retarded jokes” were never humorous to me. They were simply things I’d frown upon. It was hard to turn away from the group of kids bashing “retarded” children but I like to look at myself as a leader and my morals enable me to lead by example.
It was once embarrassing, dealing with all the stares. However, it is my belief that embarrassment accomplishes nothing and pride strengthens everything. I take pride in my family and I love the way we choose to live. Let the gossipers and shoppers stare. Let them see my pride, my happiness and our love. Let them know that we function as any other family functions.
At the time of publication of this article Jordan Fried was a junior at Williamsville North
When Your Child's Birth Mother Is Pregnant Again
When Your Child’s Birth Mother Is Pregnant Again
(c) Michele Fried
In June of 1990 my husband and I learned that our oldest son had a half biological sibling that was being placed for adoption. We experienced a great deal of emotions learning of the news and making the life altering decision to grow our family when we were not planning for another child at that time. For us, it became the greatest blessing to add this magnificent child to our family. However, having experienced it personally I am familiar with some of the reactions our clients have had over the years when they learn that their child’s birth mother is pregnant again. I have seen reactions spanning from elation to grief. The news sparks something different for every family, but what remains constant is the surprise.
Even when a second pregnancy and adoption occurs and everyone is happy with the plan, I am saddened by the fact that the birth mother has found herself in the same situation again. For those women who choose to parent the second time around, I can’t help but think that the pregnancy was hoped for. In some way, the birth parent may be trying to replace the child she lost through adoption. I have seen women with open and closed adoptions make such decisions. Sometimes a new (and hopefully healthy) relationship (possibly marriage) has occurred in the life of the birth mother and she is more then ready for this planned pregnancy. Other times we must question, “What has changed in your life to make a parenting plan that wasn’t in place when you gave birth and placed for adoption?” These are the more challenging situations. These are the sadder cases when we learn of a new pregnancy within a year or less of the adoptive placement.
A small number of Adoption STAR couples have experienced learning that their child’s birth mother is pregnant again. Each family experienced a broad range of emotions, many had to make difficult decisions or come to terms with choices made by the birth family. In an effort to help others who may one day learn that their child’s birth mother is pregnant again, I asked several of our clients to share their experiences, emotions and advice with us.
Harvey shared: “At the outset, we were thrilled to be able to adopt siblings from the same birth parents. This will certainly give them something in common that many adopted children do not have. I expect this will be especially true as they get older and start being more curious about adoption and about their birth parents and birth siblings. It gives us an experience more like that of parents raising their birth children, such as observing the similarities and differences between siblings of the same birth parents. For us, however, the decision to adopt our son’s sibling was easy because we already decided we wanted a larger family, had already submitted the paperwork, and were so happy with the first child's 18 months, that it was a "no-brainer" to adopt a second child from the same birth mother. This is not to say we could not respect the decision of adoptive parents declining such an opportunity. Obviously, you have to do what is best for everyone. If the adoptive family is truly not in a position to add a new child, for whatever reason, and doing so would make things worse for the children already adopted, it would be better to decline than to make things worse. Each person must make the right decision for themselves and their families. They should not feel pressured to take in a child they could not care for and love in the way each child deserves.”
Teri responded: “When I first learned that Nicole had given birth to twins- almost 18 months to the day after Gabi was born- I was surprised. I couldn’t imagine that she had gotten pregnant so soon. The only thoughts I had ever indulged in regarding a possible future pregnancy included a fantasy where I pictured Gabi at about 4 years- and Nicole asking us to parent her biological sibling. I had never even imagined (let alone prepared for) the idea that she would choose to parent. I wanted so badly for the things she had told the agency at her initial contact to be true- that she was returning to college, and getting her life back on track. When it started to sink in that she had not only gotten pregnant again, but she was also choosing to parent- so many questions began to form. The most pressing by far; how can I explain to Gabi that out of Nicole’s 6 children, she was the only one that had been placed for adoption? I cried for a few days. I called family and friends for comfort and advice. I posted my feelings on the STAR adoption family message board at Yahoo groups. I also called STAR and talked to our caseworker. I talked. It was the best thing for me. Speaking to others about it allowed me to better understand my feelings. Eventually, I wrote a letter to Nicole. I shared my fears for Gabi with her. This was a HUGE relief. After about two months, I sent gifts for the twins along with our congratulations. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I still have the occasional fantasy of getting that phone call from STAR- where they relay the message to us that Nicole wants to know if we are interested in parenting the twins. My husband and I have even had fantasy conversations of bedroom arrangements and twin parenting. The best advice that I have for those who experience this is to remember that sometimes we create worries and fears for our children. I don’t know what Gabi’s reaction will be as she is able to comprehend her situation. I don’t want to create problems for her by assuming that she should or will feel a certain way. As with all situations, I need to follow her lead- let her grow and develop into the person that she is destined to become. I’ll let her decide what things bother her, and what to roll off of her shoulders. It is my duty to be there for her and love and protect her through whatever comes her way.”
Jennifer wrote: “When we found out our son’s birth mother was pregnant we were surprised to say the least! We were very angry at first. Our first reaction was, "How could she do this to us?" After the reality set in, we started to feel empathy for her parents who were so supportive of her first adoption plan. It was weird because immediately we wanted the entire family to know that we were here if she decided not to parent. Really though, deep down in our hearts no matter how much she tried to convince us, we knew that there was no way she could or would follow through with it. How could she go through such a painful ordeal again? Up until weeks before the delivery we never really felt that butterfly feeling you get when you are going to be a parent again. We had that exciting, nervous feeling when we first learned about Matthew and Bella.”
Yael shared: “When the birthmother of our twins emailed me that she was pregnant and planning to abort the baby, I was so sad. After getting amnio results that her baby boy had Down Syndrome, she was planning an abortion. I wonder to this day why she chose to tell me at all--but especially before she had the abortion. After consulting with our rabbi, I emailed her back and urged her to reconsider, that we would love to adopt her baby. The next email from her said, "The deed is done." Then, several months later she emailed me that she was pregnant again--this time with the biological father of our twins. I remember feeling very conflicted. On one hand, I assumed that they were back together as a couple and I wondered if they might want more contact with the girls or feel they had made a mistake in placing them. On the other hand, knowing her, I was concerned that she would not be able to bond with her child. Of course, I also wondered if she would want to place him with us--especially if he was not healthy or "perfect".
As it turned out, he was healthy and perfect. The baby's father has never visited him and they are not a couple. She brought pictures of her son when she came to visit the girls in the spring. She has sent other photos of him a couple of times. He looks so much like the twins. It is hard to imagine that these kids will not want to connect some day. I wish our birth mother the very best and hope she is enjoying parenting.”
Lynn remembered: “When we got the call about Morgan's biological sibling being born our feelings spanned from overwhelmed, excited, and not being able to process. We learned about the baby when he was already one month old, so we didn’t have much time to digest the information. I remember saying, "I can't believe Morgan has a brother." Rob and I had just assumed that Morgan was going to be an only child. Although we did want other children, we were both okay with raising one. We were lucky to adopt Morgan. We never, in a million years, would have thought that this would have happened. I wasn't working, so we didn't know how we could afford the adoption fees, let alone all the extra expenses that went along with raising another child. We had no money saved. We were still paying off the loan for Morgan’s adoption, and didn't think it was feasible. We couldn’t escape the feeling that we couldn't let them live separately. Yet how on earth would we come up with that kind of money literally overnight? After speaking with the agency, a lot of our anxieties were soothed. Placing siblings together is regarded highly and a payment plan was discussed. The experience taught us what the true meaning of family is as our family members offered to lend us as much as we needed to adopt again. Ultimately, it wasn't hard to decide to adopt Aiden. That part was easy. If there was a way, we were going to try to find it.”
Karen responded: “At the initial phone call from Adoption STAR, we were surprised and shocked. It was not something we had ever thought would happen. Our first reaction was “how can we do this again so soon and where do we get the finances, if we decide to adopt this baby?” Then we both thought “how do you say no?” After much talking and praying, the decision was made to move forward with this placement. It took a while to sink in that we were going to bring home another baby. It just didn’t seem possible. We had mixed emotions. We were excited, happy, nervous, (even though this would be baby number 3), and a little scared. We wondered how our other two children would adjust and how we would adjust. We had to do our home study update paperwork over again in a short period of time. It didn’t feel real this time until Justin was placed into our arms. I must admit that it took a while for all of us to adjust to our newest addition. We talked about the baby with our 10 year old so he would be prepared as best as possible. Our 18 month old didn’t understand what was going on. He was not real happy about this tiny intrusion on his life. We allowed him to touch the baby and sit next to us whenever he wanted to. When he was ready to hold the baby, we allowed him to do just that (with our assistance, of course). Our 10 year old was allowed private time in his room when he needed to get away from the ‘babies.” Although, he has been asked to help out a lot and usually does so happily (keeping him involved is so important, he did feel a little displaced this time, just like the last time; although he got over it much quicker. We continued to inform him how much he is loved by both of us. The best advice we could give anyone is to communicate with each other, family, friends, and Adoption STAR about your feelings and emotions.”
L told me via telephone: “Finding out our daughter’s birth mother was pregnant again was a shock to say the least. Our daughter was turning two in a closed adoption. We felt so blessed to have a son by birth and a daughter by adoption that we were afraid to tempt fate. We also had so much else going on that we felt we had to say no. At first we brainstormed who in our family may want to adopt our daughter’s half sibling, but that became too painful for me as I did not want to see that child as a family member only to question whether or not I should have made a different decision. We want to know the new family and keep in touch for the children’s benefit. I feel blessed everyday for our children and know that the decision we made was in the best interest of our family.”
Of the seven responses, we covered adopting your child’s birth sibling, learning the birth mother of your child chose to parent her next child or children, one who chose abortion and another family who chose not to adopt again. These situations clearly show that everyone is different. Each family’s response may have started with “surprise” or shock but each family’s journey took them on different paths. One important piece of the puzzle however is often overlooked. We can more easily relate to the adoptive parent perspective and whether we may want to consider adopting the sibling of the child we already adopted, but have we thought about the birth mother and her situation?
Granted, as mentioned earlier, a pregnancy that occurs within a year of the birth of the child she placed for adoption is hard to deal with – not only for the adoptive parents but for the birth mother herself and for the adoption professionals involved. There have been adoptive families who have told me that they hope to hear that the birth mother is pregnant again so they can adopt again. I respond that it sounds neat, but it actuality it would be very sad if the birth mother found herself pregnant again. One of our “repeat” birth mothers called us almost daily throughout her subsequent pregnancy and had such a hard time overcoming the fact that she got herself in the same situation again. She felt terrible about herself; embarrassed to have the adoptive family find out; and anxious about living through another loss.
If the birth mother selects a parenting plan and allows us to work with her we counsel her to identify why she thinks she has become pregnant again. Was it an unexpected pregnancy or planned? Does she believe by raising this baby that she will fill the void she feels? Does she believe that she can “replace” the baby she placed for adoption? Of course this is not possible and often leads to disappointment and challenges for the birth mother throughout her parenting plan.
On the other hand, if your child’s birth mother is pregnant again and chooses to parent this time, have there been remarkable changes in her life? Was she at first a college student and now she has graduated with a degree and feels more ready for parenthood? Is she engaged to be married or currently married? Is she more mature, responsible and stable? Has she identified additional support from family members or friends that perhaps were not there for her before? It may be hard to accept a woman’s decision to parent when you desire to adopt her child, but it is her right to make the decision to parent, just as it was her right to choose you to adopt the baby she placed for adoption.
For those of us who adopted a birth sibling we recall the moments of learning of the pregnancy and birth and the incredible stress and unbelievable joy that coincided. For those of us who learned that a birth mother parented after placing a child with us beforehand, we can not stop wondering what life would have been like if he or she joined our family and how different his or her life would be today. Both scenarios cause a great deal of emotion that can easily be recalled even if much time has passed. Unexpectedly, my husband and I encountered both these scenarios.
For those who chose to pass on adopting the sibling or half sibling, you may feel similarly, wondering how the child is doing and overwhelm yourself by asking, “Did I make the right decision?” These feelings are typical and expected. Reminding yourself of all the reasons why you made your decision will help you understand that you did make the best decision for your family.
It is important to value the fact that life takes us on many paths and we must find security by accepting the choices that we make for ourselves as well as those made by our children’s birth families. Often these times cause us to feel unsettled, however acknowledging that we do not have all the answers will help us to enjoy our journey even more!
(c) Michele Fried
In June of 1990 my husband and I learned that our oldest son had a half biological sibling that was being placed for adoption. We experienced a great deal of emotions learning of the news and making the life altering decision to grow our family when we were not planning for another child at that time. For us, it became the greatest blessing to add this magnificent child to our family. However, having experienced it personally I am familiar with some of the reactions our clients have had over the years when they learn that their child’s birth mother is pregnant again. I have seen reactions spanning from elation to grief. The news sparks something different for every family, but what remains constant is the surprise.
Even when a second pregnancy and adoption occurs and everyone is happy with the plan, I am saddened by the fact that the birth mother has found herself in the same situation again. For those women who choose to parent the second time around, I can’t help but think that the pregnancy was hoped for. In some way, the birth parent may be trying to replace the child she lost through adoption. I have seen women with open and closed adoptions make such decisions. Sometimes a new (and hopefully healthy) relationship (possibly marriage) has occurred in the life of the birth mother and she is more then ready for this planned pregnancy. Other times we must question, “What has changed in your life to make a parenting plan that wasn’t in place when you gave birth and placed for adoption?” These are the more challenging situations. These are the sadder cases when we learn of a new pregnancy within a year or less of the adoptive placement.
A small number of Adoption STAR couples have experienced learning that their child’s birth mother is pregnant again. Each family experienced a broad range of emotions, many had to make difficult decisions or come to terms with choices made by the birth family. In an effort to help others who may one day learn that their child’s birth mother is pregnant again, I asked several of our clients to share their experiences, emotions and advice with us.
Harvey shared: “At the outset, we were thrilled to be able to adopt siblings from the same birth parents. This will certainly give them something in common that many adopted children do not have. I expect this will be especially true as they get older and start being more curious about adoption and about their birth parents and birth siblings. It gives us an experience more like that of parents raising their birth children, such as observing the similarities and differences between siblings of the same birth parents. For us, however, the decision to adopt our son’s sibling was easy because we already decided we wanted a larger family, had already submitted the paperwork, and were so happy with the first child's 18 months, that it was a "no-brainer" to adopt a second child from the same birth mother. This is not to say we could not respect the decision of adoptive parents declining such an opportunity. Obviously, you have to do what is best for everyone. If the adoptive family is truly not in a position to add a new child, for whatever reason, and doing so would make things worse for the children already adopted, it would be better to decline than to make things worse. Each person must make the right decision for themselves and their families. They should not feel pressured to take in a child they could not care for and love in the way each child deserves.”
Teri responded: “When I first learned that Nicole had given birth to twins- almost 18 months to the day after Gabi was born- I was surprised. I couldn’t imagine that she had gotten pregnant so soon. The only thoughts I had ever indulged in regarding a possible future pregnancy included a fantasy where I pictured Gabi at about 4 years- and Nicole asking us to parent her biological sibling. I had never even imagined (let alone prepared for) the idea that she would choose to parent. I wanted so badly for the things she had told the agency at her initial contact to be true- that she was returning to college, and getting her life back on track. When it started to sink in that she had not only gotten pregnant again, but she was also choosing to parent- so many questions began to form. The most pressing by far; how can I explain to Gabi that out of Nicole’s 6 children, she was the only one that had been placed for adoption? I cried for a few days. I called family and friends for comfort and advice. I posted my feelings on the STAR adoption family message board at Yahoo groups. I also called STAR and talked to our caseworker. I talked. It was the best thing for me. Speaking to others about it allowed me to better understand my feelings. Eventually, I wrote a letter to Nicole. I shared my fears for Gabi with her. This was a HUGE relief. After about two months, I sent gifts for the twins along with our congratulations. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I still have the occasional fantasy of getting that phone call from STAR- where they relay the message to us that Nicole wants to know if we are interested in parenting the twins. My husband and I have even had fantasy conversations of bedroom arrangements and twin parenting. The best advice that I have for those who experience this is to remember that sometimes we create worries and fears for our children. I don’t know what Gabi’s reaction will be as she is able to comprehend her situation. I don’t want to create problems for her by assuming that she should or will feel a certain way. As with all situations, I need to follow her lead- let her grow and develop into the person that she is destined to become. I’ll let her decide what things bother her, and what to roll off of her shoulders. It is my duty to be there for her and love and protect her through whatever comes her way.”
Jennifer wrote: “When we found out our son’s birth mother was pregnant we were surprised to say the least! We were very angry at first. Our first reaction was, "How could she do this to us?" After the reality set in, we started to feel empathy for her parents who were so supportive of her first adoption plan. It was weird because immediately we wanted the entire family to know that we were here if she decided not to parent. Really though, deep down in our hearts no matter how much she tried to convince us, we knew that there was no way she could or would follow through with it. How could she go through such a painful ordeal again? Up until weeks before the delivery we never really felt that butterfly feeling you get when you are going to be a parent again. We had that exciting, nervous feeling when we first learned about Matthew and Bella.”
Yael shared: “When the birthmother of our twins emailed me that she was pregnant and planning to abort the baby, I was so sad. After getting amnio results that her baby boy had Down Syndrome, she was planning an abortion. I wonder to this day why she chose to tell me at all--but especially before she had the abortion. After consulting with our rabbi, I emailed her back and urged her to reconsider, that we would love to adopt her baby. The next email from her said, "The deed is done." Then, several months later she emailed me that she was pregnant again--this time with the biological father of our twins. I remember feeling very conflicted. On one hand, I assumed that they were back together as a couple and I wondered if they might want more contact with the girls or feel they had made a mistake in placing them. On the other hand, knowing her, I was concerned that she would not be able to bond with her child. Of course, I also wondered if she would want to place him with us--especially if he was not healthy or "perfect".
As it turned out, he was healthy and perfect. The baby's father has never visited him and they are not a couple. She brought pictures of her son when she came to visit the girls in the spring. She has sent other photos of him a couple of times. He looks so much like the twins. It is hard to imagine that these kids will not want to connect some day. I wish our birth mother the very best and hope she is enjoying parenting.”
Lynn remembered: “When we got the call about Morgan's biological sibling being born our feelings spanned from overwhelmed, excited, and not being able to process. We learned about the baby when he was already one month old, so we didn’t have much time to digest the information. I remember saying, "I can't believe Morgan has a brother." Rob and I had just assumed that Morgan was going to be an only child. Although we did want other children, we were both okay with raising one. We were lucky to adopt Morgan. We never, in a million years, would have thought that this would have happened. I wasn't working, so we didn't know how we could afford the adoption fees, let alone all the extra expenses that went along with raising another child. We had no money saved. We were still paying off the loan for Morgan’s adoption, and didn't think it was feasible. We couldn’t escape the feeling that we couldn't let them live separately. Yet how on earth would we come up with that kind of money literally overnight? After speaking with the agency, a lot of our anxieties were soothed. Placing siblings together is regarded highly and a payment plan was discussed. The experience taught us what the true meaning of family is as our family members offered to lend us as much as we needed to adopt again. Ultimately, it wasn't hard to decide to adopt Aiden. That part was easy. If there was a way, we were going to try to find it.”
Karen responded: “At the initial phone call from Adoption STAR, we were surprised and shocked. It was not something we had ever thought would happen. Our first reaction was “how can we do this again so soon and where do we get the finances, if we decide to adopt this baby?” Then we both thought “how do you say no?” After much talking and praying, the decision was made to move forward with this placement. It took a while to sink in that we were going to bring home another baby. It just didn’t seem possible. We had mixed emotions. We were excited, happy, nervous, (even though this would be baby number 3), and a little scared. We wondered how our other two children would adjust and how we would adjust. We had to do our home study update paperwork over again in a short period of time. It didn’t feel real this time until Justin was placed into our arms. I must admit that it took a while for all of us to adjust to our newest addition. We talked about the baby with our 10 year old so he would be prepared as best as possible. Our 18 month old didn’t understand what was going on. He was not real happy about this tiny intrusion on his life. We allowed him to touch the baby and sit next to us whenever he wanted to. When he was ready to hold the baby, we allowed him to do just that (with our assistance, of course). Our 10 year old was allowed private time in his room when he needed to get away from the ‘babies.” Although, he has been asked to help out a lot and usually does so happily (keeping him involved is so important, he did feel a little displaced this time, just like the last time; although he got over it much quicker. We continued to inform him how much he is loved by both of us. The best advice we could give anyone is to communicate with each other, family, friends, and Adoption STAR about your feelings and emotions.”
L told me via telephone: “Finding out our daughter’s birth mother was pregnant again was a shock to say the least. Our daughter was turning two in a closed adoption. We felt so blessed to have a son by birth and a daughter by adoption that we were afraid to tempt fate. We also had so much else going on that we felt we had to say no. At first we brainstormed who in our family may want to adopt our daughter’s half sibling, but that became too painful for me as I did not want to see that child as a family member only to question whether or not I should have made a different decision. We want to know the new family and keep in touch for the children’s benefit. I feel blessed everyday for our children and know that the decision we made was in the best interest of our family.”
Of the seven responses, we covered adopting your child’s birth sibling, learning the birth mother of your child chose to parent her next child or children, one who chose abortion and another family who chose not to adopt again. These situations clearly show that everyone is different. Each family’s response may have started with “surprise” or shock but each family’s journey took them on different paths. One important piece of the puzzle however is often overlooked. We can more easily relate to the adoptive parent perspective and whether we may want to consider adopting the sibling of the child we already adopted, but have we thought about the birth mother and her situation?
Granted, as mentioned earlier, a pregnancy that occurs within a year of the birth of the child she placed for adoption is hard to deal with – not only for the adoptive parents but for the birth mother herself and for the adoption professionals involved. There have been adoptive families who have told me that they hope to hear that the birth mother is pregnant again so they can adopt again. I respond that it sounds neat, but it actuality it would be very sad if the birth mother found herself pregnant again. One of our “repeat” birth mothers called us almost daily throughout her subsequent pregnancy and had such a hard time overcoming the fact that she got herself in the same situation again. She felt terrible about herself; embarrassed to have the adoptive family find out; and anxious about living through another loss.
If the birth mother selects a parenting plan and allows us to work with her we counsel her to identify why she thinks she has become pregnant again. Was it an unexpected pregnancy or planned? Does she believe by raising this baby that she will fill the void she feels? Does she believe that she can “replace” the baby she placed for adoption? Of course this is not possible and often leads to disappointment and challenges for the birth mother throughout her parenting plan.
On the other hand, if your child’s birth mother is pregnant again and chooses to parent this time, have there been remarkable changes in her life? Was she at first a college student and now she has graduated with a degree and feels more ready for parenthood? Is she engaged to be married or currently married? Is she more mature, responsible and stable? Has she identified additional support from family members or friends that perhaps were not there for her before? It may be hard to accept a woman’s decision to parent when you desire to adopt her child, but it is her right to make the decision to parent, just as it was her right to choose you to adopt the baby she placed for adoption.
For those of us who adopted a birth sibling we recall the moments of learning of the pregnancy and birth and the incredible stress and unbelievable joy that coincided. For those of us who learned that a birth mother parented after placing a child with us beforehand, we can not stop wondering what life would have been like if he or she joined our family and how different his or her life would be today. Both scenarios cause a great deal of emotion that can easily be recalled even if much time has passed. Unexpectedly, my husband and I encountered both these scenarios.
For those who chose to pass on adopting the sibling or half sibling, you may feel similarly, wondering how the child is doing and overwhelm yourself by asking, “Did I make the right decision?” These feelings are typical and expected. Reminding yourself of all the reasons why you made your decision will help you understand that you did make the best decision for your family.
It is important to value the fact that life takes us on many paths and we must find security by accepting the choices that we make for ourselves as well as those made by our children’s birth families. Often these times cause us to feel unsettled, however acknowledging that we do not have all the answers will help us to enjoy our journey even more!
Bonding and Adoptive Parenthood
Bonding and Adoptive Parenthood
(c) Michele Fried
Bonding is an intense attachment that develops between parents and their baby. It makes parents shower their baby with love and affection. Scientists are fascinated by bonding and know that bonding is essential for babies.
What is neat to learn is that an infant is ready to bond immediately. Parents, on the other hand, may have a mixture of feelings. Some new parents claim when they laid eyes on their baby that they fell in love “at first sight.” For others, whether they have given birth or adopted, the bonding process took a bit longer. I read some place that “bonding is a by-product of everyday care giving.” You may not even realize it, but bonding is happening with every care giving task, such as getting up at night to feed your baby, with every bath you give and every song you sing. Suddenly your baby giggles out loud and you’re filled with incredible joy and you just know you are in love. Sometimes the baby develops a fever and you are more fearful then you expected and inside you just know that this child is your world.
I was one of those parents who bonded immediately to our first child. But what I had to learn was that adoptive parenthood is like biological parenthood – there is no instinctive “how-to.” Days after placement, our very wonderful new baby was inconsolable one night and both my husband and I wondered if we didn’t have the skills to consol him because we were adoptive parents. Dr. Spock’s Baby Care book helped us throw that myth away. Dr. Spock says sometimes a baby is crying because he is crying. It may sound silly, but often adoptive parents are harder on themselves because we think we should innately know what to do. Maybe your baby has colic or maybe he is over-stimulated, but just because you are an adoptive parent does not give you a lesser ability to be an excellent parent.
Our second child arrived by birth and I was surprised to find that I did not bond immediately as I did with our first who we adopted. I was disturbed by it at first, but then one day I looked at this pudgy beautiful child and knew I just loved him. For me it was the acts of every day mothering that helped with bonding and attachment. I learned as my family began to grown (by birth and adoption) that every adoptive placement and delivery is different and every baby has their own personality.
After years of watching families bond and attach I believe it is important to begin thinking about bonding and attachment even before you adopt. Analyze yourself and ask yourself how best you connect with children. What would help you develop a relationship with your new baby? For some women, they have always wanted to breastfeed. Well, an adoptive mother can breastfeed her adopted baby. Although it may be complicated to initiate, especially if you are not sure when a baby will be placed in your care – it can be accomplished. If you decide you want to consider adoptive breastfeeding, the agency provides books to introduce the idea and a lactation consultant can be helpful in getting you ready. Begin to think about how you will manage your time when a baby arrives, especially if both parents will work. How much time off will one or both parents have? How can the working parent have the time necessary to get to know the new baby and to develop a relationship? Think about the types of baby items you would want to purchase when your baby arrives, for example, using a baby sling or snuggly is highly recommended. This allows you to keep the baby close to you as you conduct your usual routines.
Have you researched infant massage? This is a wonderful way to connect with your baby and can be a wonderful health benefit for your baby. Also begin reading child care books and accept the fact that you can not spoil a baby. You can never hold a baby too much. Babies need and thrive from physical contact.
There are different types of adoptive families, some who are waiting for their first child and others who have given birth to their first child and are now seeking to adopt perhaps due to secondary infertility. Blended families, those with biological and adopted children, must enter adoption with their eyes wide open and not place too much emphasis on differences between their children, but rather embrace the uniqueness of every child. Blended families are often known to be more flexible and can see that not everything is an adoption issue. They realize that their biological children also have times when they struggle or act out. A very neat aspect of blended families is that sibling relationships between adopted and non-adopted children are as healthy and close and those in biological sibling relationships.
When you ask a mother of more than one child if she loves her children “the same,” you will often hear, “The basic parental love that causes us to offer daily care for our children is the same. The feeling that “this is my child’ is also the same. But as I would imagine what is true for any parents of more than one child is that we love them each individually.”
Whether you are adopting your first child or adopting a child after you have given birth, remembering to communicate your feelings is very important. If you have taken the new series of Adoption STAR home study classes you know that the first class is called “Talking about Adoption” and it deals with communicating with your child, your significant other and those around you. Our children need to hear not only that we love them but that they are ours: Claiming. Believing you deserve to be a parent and that you are the child’s parent: Entitlement. These are two key ingredients. Being prepared for others’ questions is just as important. When onlookers want to know more, it’s okay to joyfully share your adoption experience. Perhaps you have two children, one may have been born to you and one may have been adopted by you, but they are most definitely your children. At the most basic level, if you are asked if those children are yours, you simply would answer, “Yes.”
For some prospective parents, the fantasy of a child has a specific vision in place and if the child does not fit the parent’s vision, bonding can be hampered until the parent becomes more familiar with the new baby and finds beauty in the child’s differences. I recall one adoptive parent who focused everything she had on adopting an Asian child. Even when other children became available she passed as she was already in love with the “idea” of an Asian daughter. It is also common that in a two parent family that one parent feels connected with the new arrival sooner then the other one – that is normal as we all have our own ways of “getting to know” others.
Sometimes there are unique circumstances that can delay bonding and this could occur when caring for a baby with special medical needs, or for a baby who is premature. I have also seen new parents not fare too well with the lack of sleep that often goes hand in hand with the typical newborn stage. I have also seen new adoptive parents, particularly adoptive moms who are mourning for the birth mother’s loss that they forget to allow themselves to experience the joy of becoming a mother. Other parents become so worried about a potential legal risk situation that they are afraid to let themselves attach. Though it is important to “think” about bonding and to “talk” about adoption, it should not worry you or consume you. Remember, everything in moderation.
If you feel you are not bonding to your child as you think you should be, it is important to share those feelings. You can speak to the adoption professionals you worked with and your child’s pediatrician. These specialists have a great deal of experience with bonding and attachment issues and can help you to develop a wonderful relationship with your child. Speaking to other adoptive parents can also be very helpful.
Bonding is a complex and personal experience. It can take time. Utilize that time to enjoy “getting to know” and “caring” for your baby.
(c) Michele Fried
Bonding is an intense attachment that develops between parents and their baby. It makes parents shower their baby with love and affection. Scientists are fascinated by bonding and know that bonding is essential for babies.
What is neat to learn is that an infant is ready to bond immediately. Parents, on the other hand, may have a mixture of feelings. Some new parents claim when they laid eyes on their baby that they fell in love “at first sight.” For others, whether they have given birth or adopted, the bonding process took a bit longer. I read some place that “bonding is a by-product of everyday care giving.” You may not even realize it, but bonding is happening with every care giving task, such as getting up at night to feed your baby, with every bath you give and every song you sing. Suddenly your baby giggles out loud and you’re filled with incredible joy and you just know you are in love. Sometimes the baby develops a fever and you are more fearful then you expected and inside you just know that this child is your world.
I was one of those parents who bonded immediately to our first child. But what I had to learn was that adoptive parenthood is like biological parenthood – there is no instinctive “how-to.” Days after placement, our very wonderful new baby was inconsolable one night and both my husband and I wondered if we didn’t have the skills to consol him because we were adoptive parents. Dr. Spock’s Baby Care book helped us throw that myth away. Dr. Spock says sometimes a baby is crying because he is crying. It may sound silly, but often adoptive parents are harder on themselves because we think we should innately know what to do. Maybe your baby has colic or maybe he is over-stimulated, but just because you are an adoptive parent does not give you a lesser ability to be an excellent parent.
Our second child arrived by birth and I was surprised to find that I did not bond immediately as I did with our first who we adopted. I was disturbed by it at first, but then one day I looked at this pudgy beautiful child and knew I just loved him. For me it was the acts of every day mothering that helped with bonding and attachment. I learned as my family began to grown (by birth and adoption) that every adoptive placement and delivery is different and every baby has their own personality.
After years of watching families bond and attach I believe it is important to begin thinking about bonding and attachment even before you adopt. Analyze yourself and ask yourself how best you connect with children. What would help you develop a relationship with your new baby? For some women, they have always wanted to breastfeed. Well, an adoptive mother can breastfeed her adopted baby. Although it may be complicated to initiate, especially if you are not sure when a baby will be placed in your care – it can be accomplished. If you decide you want to consider adoptive breastfeeding, the agency provides books to introduce the idea and a lactation consultant can be helpful in getting you ready. Begin to think about how you will manage your time when a baby arrives, especially if both parents will work. How much time off will one or both parents have? How can the working parent have the time necessary to get to know the new baby and to develop a relationship? Think about the types of baby items you would want to purchase when your baby arrives, for example, using a baby sling or snuggly is highly recommended. This allows you to keep the baby close to you as you conduct your usual routines.
Have you researched infant massage? This is a wonderful way to connect with your baby and can be a wonderful health benefit for your baby. Also begin reading child care books and accept the fact that you can not spoil a baby. You can never hold a baby too much. Babies need and thrive from physical contact.
There are different types of adoptive families, some who are waiting for their first child and others who have given birth to their first child and are now seeking to adopt perhaps due to secondary infertility. Blended families, those with biological and adopted children, must enter adoption with their eyes wide open and not place too much emphasis on differences between their children, but rather embrace the uniqueness of every child. Blended families are often known to be more flexible and can see that not everything is an adoption issue. They realize that their biological children also have times when they struggle or act out. A very neat aspect of blended families is that sibling relationships between adopted and non-adopted children are as healthy and close and those in biological sibling relationships.
When you ask a mother of more than one child if she loves her children “the same,” you will often hear, “The basic parental love that causes us to offer daily care for our children is the same. The feeling that “this is my child’ is also the same. But as I would imagine what is true for any parents of more than one child is that we love them each individually.”
Whether you are adopting your first child or adopting a child after you have given birth, remembering to communicate your feelings is very important. If you have taken the new series of Adoption STAR home study classes you know that the first class is called “Talking about Adoption” and it deals with communicating with your child, your significant other and those around you. Our children need to hear not only that we love them but that they are ours: Claiming. Believing you deserve to be a parent and that you are the child’s parent: Entitlement. These are two key ingredients. Being prepared for others’ questions is just as important. When onlookers want to know more, it’s okay to joyfully share your adoption experience. Perhaps you have two children, one may have been born to you and one may have been adopted by you, but they are most definitely your children. At the most basic level, if you are asked if those children are yours, you simply would answer, “Yes.”
For some prospective parents, the fantasy of a child has a specific vision in place and if the child does not fit the parent’s vision, bonding can be hampered until the parent becomes more familiar with the new baby and finds beauty in the child’s differences. I recall one adoptive parent who focused everything she had on adopting an Asian child. Even when other children became available she passed as she was already in love with the “idea” of an Asian daughter. It is also common that in a two parent family that one parent feels connected with the new arrival sooner then the other one – that is normal as we all have our own ways of “getting to know” others.
Sometimes there are unique circumstances that can delay bonding and this could occur when caring for a baby with special medical needs, or for a baby who is premature. I have also seen new parents not fare too well with the lack of sleep that often goes hand in hand with the typical newborn stage. I have also seen new adoptive parents, particularly adoptive moms who are mourning for the birth mother’s loss that they forget to allow themselves to experience the joy of becoming a mother. Other parents become so worried about a potential legal risk situation that they are afraid to let themselves attach. Though it is important to “think” about bonding and to “talk” about adoption, it should not worry you or consume you. Remember, everything in moderation.
If you feel you are not bonding to your child as you think you should be, it is important to share those feelings. You can speak to the adoption professionals you worked with and your child’s pediatrician. These specialists have a great deal of experience with bonding and attachment issues and can help you to develop a wonderful relationship with your child. Speaking to other adoptive parents can also be very helpful.
Bonding is a complex and personal experience. It can take time. Utilize that time to enjoy “getting to know” and “caring” for your baby.
Eighteen Years Later: An Adoption Story, Part Two
Eighteen Years Later: An Adoption Story Part Two
(c) Michele Fried
Adopting Zachary was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I can remember it as if it were yesterday. If you don’t mind, I will take you from 3 days old to 18 years later as fast as I can… we drove to the hospital to meet the birth mother and the agency social worker and take home our baby… sounds simple but you know it wasn’t. After having my husband pull over due to my intense cramping from nervousness, we almost never got there. Arriving at the hospital we learned that the birth mother was so emotional that she couldn’t get dressed to come back to the hospital to sign her surrender papers. After what seemed hours, I was convinced that at any moment we would be told to go home without the baby. As I shared with you in Part One of this article, we had already experienced many adoption miscarriages and I truly felt that I could not bear another loss. We eventually were called into an office in the hospital where we were introduced to the birth mother and her mother.
There were hugs, tears and surprisingly some laughter. She and I caught one another trying to look at the other. I remember holding hands and hugging her. I remember feeling oddly calm at one point -- just knowing that I liked her. I told myself that I would be able to wish her well and that it would be okay if she took the baby home. Was I preparing myself for disappointment? Was I struck by how hard it would be for her to let this baby go? She carried him; she birthed him; she met him, held him and fed him. I did not experience any of those things. Yet I knew, with all of my heart and soul, that I would love this baby forever.
By some sheer miracle, I heard this young woman say, “I want them to have the baby.” The social worker and her mom praised her and I just yelled out and embraced my husband and cried. How do you thank someone for the greatest gift in the world?
I didn’t meet my son in a fairy tale way. Chuck was told to pull up the car and the social worker took the baby bag of clothing I brought. It was a very cold November day and I did not know what to pack. A neighbor gave me some clothes to choose from and I put them all in the bag. When I first met him, I was standing inside the front door of the hospital and he was handed to me bundled in every piece of clothing I packed! He was beautiful. He was perfect.
I don’t remember the ride home except for sitting beside him in the back of the car. The next thing I remember is sitting on our bed and laying the baby in front of me. My husband left with the neighbors to go shopping. We had no diapers, no formula, no crib, nothing. I never wanted to prepare as I have always been a bit superstitious. I was alone in our apartment, sitting in our queen size water bed with this tiny baby. I truly did not know what to do. So I undressed him and turned him every way. I dressed him again and sat there, stared at him in amazement, and waited. Chuck returned with formula and toys! He came home with a large motorized airplane that rode around the floor and lifted up a bit as if it would be taking off. He came home with a new video camera. He forgot the diapers.
Fast forward past the projectile vomiting, never crawling and walking at 10 months old…to age 15 months. My husband went to some adoption conference in NYC… why I can’t remember… this is the same guy who let me do all the learning about adoption! Now he was so involved in learning more himself… he came home excited with new information on what “open adoption” really meant. He reported that it didn’t mean being “picked” and sharing the photos and letters we reluctantly sent to the agency. It meant bigger (and scarier) things. Scary for me, yet it seemed like “the meaning of life” for my husband. I thought it meant that he didn’t love our son as much as I did. What he was purposing was preposterous. Yet somehow in the next few months I was convinced to write a letter to our son’s birth mother including our telephone number and inviting her to call us.
Our open adoption grew slowly and through the years we have shared great family events together such as birthdays, family picnics and a Bar Mitzvah. With all of these grand times, there were also times when we had no contact from his birth mother. For 18 years I have worked my hardest to maintain our open adoption. I have done this for Zack. Now that Zack is an adult, I of course have the past 18 years to learn from. I still can’t answer one question though… and no, it isn’t would I have chosen an open adoption? That is the easy question -- of course I would, again and again. As the benefits absolutely out weigh any of the challenges. The question I struggle with is would I have protected Zack as much as I have? I am a protector. That is what I see mothering as, but mothering I know also consists of letting your children try to fly on their own. And I have a hard time with that one.
I often made up excuses to cover for Zack’s birth mom not calling, arriving late or not showing up for a planned visit. I remember something my son’s birth grandfather said to me when I was devastated that his daughter didn’t show for the annual picnic. After all, how could I cover up that one? We did travel to Philadelphia for the visit. I was angry and very sad. I just didn’t know how it would make Zack feel and that unknown scared me. “It’s about time Michele that you stop painting a perfect picture for him. You can’t cover for her and try to protect him all the time. It’s not real life. Real life is the truth and my daughter’s choices are often irresponsible.” In reality he said some harsher things about his daughter, but his message was clear. Did she hurt Zack by not showing up? Was I hurt because I was projecting my feelings onto him? Was this open adoption too much for her after all these years?
The memories of the past many years rush by me, often second guessing my actions. I realize now that I sought after the perfect open adoption. Only to learn that there is no such thing. It’s just a relationship – a relationship with real people in real life circumstances. I routinely answer open adoption questions from our clients, my answers often come from my very own experiences. I will always feel close to Zachary’s birth mother even if she doesn’t keep in touch the way I envisioned. I may try, but I can never pretend to know the great sacrifice she made. I will always be grateful to her for giving us the greatest gift in the world.
Eighteen years ago, I wrote in my journal:
January 17, 1988
Today our baby has been with us for two months. Our beautiful son was born on Saturday, November 14, 1987 at 11:01 am. He was 7 pounds 1 ounce and was approximately 20 inches in length. We picked him up on Tuesday, November 17, 1987. We named our child Zachary Louis Fried.
I am at a loss for words. I do not know how to express on paper our love for this beautiful child, our son. There isn’t anything in the world that can make us happier. Zachary is everything to us. We love him more than we thought possible. He is so beautiful. He is so wonderful.
The joy I felt when my son was placed in my arms on November 17th will stay with me for the rest of my life. Our experiences the day we picked up Zachary will be shared with him as the years pass on.
We are so lucky.
Zachary, we love you. Forever.
My son has turned eighteen. I can easily write the same words today that I did so long ago… I can also add that I could not love him anymore then if I have given birth to him. I could not feel more connected to him. Now that he is away at college besides being so very proud of the man he has become, I selfishly have to admit that I miss him so much that it hurts.
I knew that this baby was the son we were meant to raise. I knew that I would one day write a story eighteen years later. I knew from the moment I was handed this baby that I would never take this blessing for granted. Where ever my son goes in life, whatever choices he makes, I will always be honored to call myself Zachary’s mom.
Happy birthday Zack. We will love you forever.
(c) Michele Fried
Adopting Zachary was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I can remember it as if it were yesterday. If you don’t mind, I will take you from 3 days old to 18 years later as fast as I can… we drove to the hospital to meet the birth mother and the agency social worker and take home our baby… sounds simple but you know it wasn’t. After having my husband pull over due to my intense cramping from nervousness, we almost never got there. Arriving at the hospital we learned that the birth mother was so emotional that she couldn’t get dressed to come back to the hospital to sign her surrender papers. After what seemed hours, I was convinced that at any moment we would be told to go home without the baby. As I shared with you in Part One of this article, we had already experienced many adoption miscarriages and I truly felt that I could not bear another loss. We eventually were called into an office in the hospital where we were introduced to the birth mother and her mother.
There were hugs, tears and surprisingly some laughter. She and I caught one another trying to look at the other. I remember holding hands and hugging her. I remember feeling oddly calm at one point -- just knowing that I liked her. I told myself that I would be able to wish her well and that it would be okay if she took the baby home. Was I preparing myself for disappointment? Was I struck by how hard it would be for her to let this baby go? She carried him; she birthed him; she met him, held him and fed him. I did not experience any of those things. Yet I knew, with all of my heart and soul, that I would love this baby forever.
By some sheer miracle, I heard this young woman say, “I want them to have the baby.” The social worker and her mom praised her and I just yelled out and embraced my husband and cried. How do you thank someone for the greatest gift in the world?
I didn’t meet my son in a fairy tale way. Chuck was told to pull up the car and the social worker took the baby bag of clothing I brought. It was a very cold November day and I did not know what to pack. A neighbor gave me some clothes to choose from and I put them all in the bag. When I first met him, I was standing inside the front door of the hospital and he was handed to me bundled in every piece of clothing I packed! He was beautiful. He was perfect.
I don’t remember the ride home except for sitting beside him in the back of the car. The next thing I remember is sitting on our bed and laying the baby in front of me. My husband left with the neighbors to go shopping. We had no diapers, no formula, no crib, nothing. I never wanted to prepare as I have always been a bit superstitious. I was alone in our apartment, sitting in our queen size water bed with this tiny baby. I truly did not know what to do. So I undressed him and turned him every way. I dressed him again and sat there, stared at him in amazement, and waited. Chuck returned with formula and toys! He came home with a large motorized airplane that rode around the floor and lifted up a bit as if it would be taking off. He came home with a new video camera. He forgot the diapers.
Fast forward past the projectile vomiting, never crawling and walking at 10 months old…to age 15 months. My husband went to some adoption conference in NYC… why I can’t remember… this is the same guy who let me do all the learning about adoption! Now he was so involved in learning more himself… he came home excited with new information on what “open adoption” really meant. He reported that it didn’t mean being “picked” and sharing the photos and letters we reluctantly sent to the agency. It meant bigger (and scarier) things. Scary for me, yet it seemed like “the meaning of life” for my husband. I thought it meant that he didn’t love our son as much as I did. What he was purposing was preposterous. Yet somehow in the next few months I was convinced to write a letter to our son’s birth mother including our telephone number and inviting her to call us.
Our open adoption grew slowly and through the years we have shared great family events together such as birthdays, family picnics and a Bar Mitzvah. With all of these grand times, there were also times when we had no contact from his birth mother. For 18 years I have worked my hardest to maintain our open adoption. I have done this for Zack. Now that Zack is an adult, I of course have the past 18 years to learn from. I still can’t answer one question though… and no, it isn’t would I have chosen an open adoption? That is the easy question -- of course I would, again and again. As the benefits absolutely out weigh any of the challenges. The question I struggle with is would I have protected Zack as much as I have? I am a protector. That is what I see mothering as, but mothering I know also consists of letting your children try to fly on their own. And I have a hard time with that one.
I often made up excuses to cover for Zack’s birth mom not calling, arriving late or not showing up for a planned visit. I remember something my son’s birth grandfather said to me when I was devastated that his daughter didn’t show for the annual picnic. After all, how could I cover up that one? We did travel to Philadelphia for the visit. I was angry and very sad. I just didn’t know how it would make Zack feel and that unknown scared me. “It’s about time Michele that you stop painting a perfect picture for him. You can’t cover for her and try to protect him all the time. It’s not real life. Real life is the truth and my daughter’s choices are often irresponsible.” In reality he said some harsher things about his daughter, but his message was clear. Did she hurt Zack by not showing up? Was I hurt because I was projecting my feelings onto him? Was this open adoption too much for her after all these years?
The memories of the past many years rush by me, often second guessing my actions. I realize now that I sought after the perfect open adoption. Only to learn that there is no such thing. It’s just a relationship – a relationship with real people in real life circumstances. I routinely answer open adoption questions from our clients, my answers often come from my very own experiences. I will always feel close to Zachary’s birth mother even if she doesn’t keep in touch the way I envisioned. I may try, but I can never pretend to know the great sacrifice she made. I will always be grateful to her for giving us the greatest gift in the world.
Eighteen years ago, I wrote in my journal:
January 17, 1988
Today our baby has been with us for two months. Our beautiful son was born on Saturday, November 14, 1987 at 11:01 am. He was 7 pounds 1 ounce and was approximately 20 inches in length. We picked him up on Tuesday, November 17, 1987. We named our child Zachary Louis Fried.
I am at a loss for words. I do not know how to express on paper our love for this beautiful child, our son. There isn’t anything in the world that can make us happier. Zachary is everything to us. We love him more than we thought possible. He is so beautiful. He is so wonderful.
The joy I felt when my son was placed in my arms on November 17th will stay with me for the rest of my life. Our experiences the day we picked up Zachary will be shared with him as the years pass on.
We are so lucky.
Zachary, we love you. Forever.
My son has turned eighteen. I can easily write the same words today that I did so long ago… I can also add that I could not love him anymore then if I have given birth to him. I could not feel more connected to him. Now that he is away at college besides being so very proud of the man he has become, I selfishly have to admit that I miss him so much that it hurts.
I knew that this baby was the son we were meant to raise. I knew that I would one day write a story eighteen years later. I knew from the moment I was handed this baby that I would never take this blessing for granted. Where ever my son goes in life, whatever choices he makes, I will always be honored to call myself Zachary’s mom.
Happy birthday Zack. We will love you forever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
