Diversity – under one roof
By Jordan Fried
NeXT Correspondent
As featured in The Buffalo News
All is silent, as if our presence has done some wrong. Slowly, whispers fill the air, discussing this unusual occurrence. I used to be embarrassed, for myself and for the rest of us, but the challenge of finding pride in it all was all the more rewarding.
I remember walking into a building any building. Be it a restaurant, a shopping center or a synagogue and noticing the stares. The two gossiping women in the corner, the rabbi and the cashier would lift their heads and strangely acknowledge my family’s presence. “I remember thinking, what could they possibly be staring at? Are we that beautiful?”
It wasn’t until junior high school that it hit me. “I have two African American brothers and three sisters with Down syndrome!” It wasn’t a shock for I’ve lived with these people, my brothers and sisters, for my entire life. Consciously, I knew what they looked like, but it simply wasn’t important. Even today, on a daily basis, I don’t realize the diversity of my family until I see my brother “picking-out” his afro while I catch myself thinking, “S---, I want an afro!”
As a child, I dealt with minimal teasing. After all, my peers often thought that having black brothers was “cool.” As for my differently abled sisters, their presence was bound to draw attention however, it became normal to cope with it. From early childhood, it became unmistakably clear that I loved my family, regardless of what the rest of the world thought of us.
It is of course frustrating to deal with the ignorance of people. “Black jokes” and “retarded jokes” were never humorous to me. They were simply things I’d frown upon. It was hard to turn away from the group of kids bashing “retarded” children but I like to look at myself as a leader and my morals enable me to lead by example.
It was once embarrassing, dealing with all the stares. However, it is my belief that embarrassment accomplishes nothing and pride strengthens everything. I take pride in my family and I love the way we choose to live. Let the gossipers and shoppers stare. Let them see my pride, my happiness and our love. Let them know that we function as any other family functions.
At the time of publication of this article Jordan Fried was a junior at Williamsville North
Friday, December 14, 2007
When Your Child's Birth Mother Is Pregnant Again
When Your Child’s Birth Mother Is Pregnant Again
(c) Michele Fried
In June of 1990 my husband and I learned that our oldest son had a half biological sibling that was being placed for adoption. We experienced a great deal of emotions learning of the news and making the life altering decision to grow our family when we were not planning for another child at that time. For us, it became the greatest blessing to add this magnificent child to our family. However, having experienced it personally I am familiar with some of the reactions our clients have had over the years when they learn that their child’s birth mother is pregnant again. I have seen reactions spanning from elation to grief. The news sparks something different for every family, but what remains constant is the surprise.
Even when a second pregnancy and adoption occurs and everyone is happy with the plan, I am saddened by the fact that the birth mother has found herself in the same situation again. For those women who choose to parent the second time around, I can’t help but think that the pregnancy was hoped for. In some way, the birth parent may be trying to replace the child she lost through adoption. I have seen women with open and closed adoptions make such decisions. Sometimes a new (and hopefully healthy) relationship (possibly marriage) has occurred in the life of the birth mother and she is more then ready for this planned pregnancy. Other times we must question, “What has changed in your life to make a parenting plan that wasn’t in place when you gave birth and placed for adoption?” These are the more challenging situations. These are the sadder cases when we learn of a new pregnancy within a year or less of the adoptive placement.
A small number of Adoption STAR couples have experienced learning that their child’s birth mother is pregnant again. Each family experienced a broad range of emotions, many had to make difficult decisions or come to terms with choices made by the birth family. In an effort to help others who may one day learn that their child’s birth mother is pregnant again, I asked several of our clients to share their experiences, emotions and advice with us.
Harvey shared: “At the outset, we were thrilled to be able to adopt siblings from the same birth parents. This will certainly give them something in common that many adopted children do not have. I expect this will be especially true as they get older and start being more curious about adoption and about their birth parents and birth siblings. It gives us an experience more like that of parents raising their birth children, such as observing the similarities and differences between siblings of the same birth parents. For us, however, the decision to adopt our son’s sibling was easy because we already decided we wanted a larger family, had already submitted the paperwork, and were so happy with the first child's 18 months, that it was a "no-brainer" to adopt a second child from the same birth mother. This is not to say we could not respect the decision of adoptive parents declining such an opportunity. Obviously, you have to do what is best for everyone. If the adoptive family is truly not in a position to add a new child, for whatever reason, and doing so would make things worse for the children already adopted, it would be better to decline than to make things worse. Each person must make the right decision for themselves and their families. They should not feel pressured to take in a child they could not care for and love in the way each child deserves.”
Teri responded: “When I first learned that Nicole had given birth to twins- almost 18 months to the day after Gabi was born- I was surprised. I couldn’t imagine that she had gotten pregnant so soon. The only thoughts I had ever indulged in regarding a possible future pregnancy included a fantasy where I pictured Gabi at about 4 years- and Nicole asking us to parent her biological sibling. I had never even imagined (let alone prepared for) the idea that she would choose to parent. I wanted so badly for the things she had told the agency at her initial contact to be true- that she was returning to college, and getting her life back on track. When it started to sink in that she had not only gotten pregnant again, but she was also choosing to parent- so many questions began to form. The most pressing by far; how can I explain to Gabi that out of Nicole’s 6 children, she was the only one that had been placed for adoption? I cried for a few days. I called family and friends for comfort and advice. I posted my feelings on the STAR adoption family message board at Yahoo groups. I also called STAR and talked to our caseworker. I talked. It was the best thing for me. Speaking to others about it allowed me to better understand my feelings. Eventually, I wrote a letter to Nicole. I shared my fears for Gabi with her. This was a HUGE relief. After about two months, I sent gifts for the twins along with our congratulations. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I still have the occasional fantasy of getting that phone call from STAR- where they relay the message to us that Nicole wants to know if we are interested in parenting the twins. My husband and I have even had fantasy conversations of bedroom arrangements and twin parenting. The best advice that I have for those who experience this is to remember that sometimes we create worries and fears for our children. I don’t know what Gabi’s reaction will be as she is able to comprehend her situation. I don’t want to create problems for her by assuming that she should or will feel a certain way. As with all situations, I need to follow her lead- let her grow and develop into the person that she is destined to become. I’ll let her decide what things bother her, and what to roll off of her shoulders. It is my duty to be there for her and love and protect her through whatever comes her way.”
Jennifer wrote: “When we found out our son’s birth mother was pregnant we were surprised to say the least! We were very angry at first. Our first reaction was, "How could she do this to us?" After the reality set in, we started to feel empathy for her parents who were so supportive of her first adoption plan. It was weird because immediately we wanted the entire family to know that we were here if she decided not to parent. Really though, deep down in our hearts no matter how much she tried to convince us, we knew that there was no way she could or would follow through with it. How could she go through such a painful ordeal again? Up until weeks before the delivery we never really felt that butterfly feeling you get when you are going to be a parent again. We had that exciting, nervous feeling when we first learned about Matthew and Bella.”
Yael shared: “When the birthmother of our twins emailed me that she was pregnant and planning to abort the baby, I was so sad. After getting amnio results that her baby boy had Down Syndrome, she was planning an abortion. I wonder to this day why she chose to tell me at all--but especially before she had the abortion. After consulting with our rabbi, I emailed her back and urged her to reconsider, that we would love to adopt her baby. The next email from her said, "The deed is done." Then, several months later she emailed me that she was pregnant again--this time with the biological father of our twins. I remember feeling very conflicted. On one hand, I assumed that they were back together as a couple and I wondered if they might want more contact with the girls or feel they had made a mistake in placing them. On the other hand, knowing her, I was concerned that she would not be able to bond with her child. Of course, I also wondered if she would want to place him with us--especially if he was not healthy or "perfect".
As it turned out, he was healthy and perfect. The baby's father has never visited him and they are not a couple. She brought pictures of her son when she came to visit the girls in the spring. She has sent other photos of him a couple of times. He looks so much like the twins. It is hard to imagine that these kids will not want to connect some day. I wish our birth mother the very best and hope she is enjoying parenting.”
Lynn remembered: “When we got the call about Morgan's biological sibling being born our feelings spanned from overwhelmed, excited, and not being able to process. We learned about the baby when he was already one month old, so we didn’t have much time to digest the information. I remember saying, "I can't believe Morgan has a brother." Rob and I had just assumed that Morgan was going to be an only child. Although we did want other children, we were both okay with raising one. We were lucky to adopt Morgan. We never, in a million years, would have thought that this would have happened. I wasn't working, so we didn't know how we could afford the adoption fees, let alone all the extra expenses that went along with raising another child. We had no money saved. We were still paying off the loan for Morgan’s adoption, and didn't think it was feasible. We couldn’t escape the feeling that we couldn't let them live separately. Yet how on earth would we come up with that kind of money literally overnight? After speaking with the agency, a lot of our anxieties were soothed. Placing siblings together is regarded highly and a payment plan was discussed. The experience taught us what the true meaning of family is as our family members offered to lend us as much as we needed to adopt again. Ultimately, it wasn't hard to decide to adopt Aiden. That part was easy. If there was a way, we were going to try to find it.”
Karen responded: “At the initial phone call from Adoption STAR, we were surprised and shocked. It was not something we had ever thought would happen. Our first reaction was “how can we do this again so soon and where do we get the finances, if we decide to adopt this baby?” Then we both thought “how do you say no?” After much talking and praying, the decision was made to move forward with this placement. It took a while to sink in that we were going to bring home another baby. It just didn’t seem possible. We had mixed emotions. We were excited, happy, nervous, (even though this would be baby number 3), and a little scared. We wondered how our other two children would adjust and how we would adjust. We had to do our home study update paperwork over again in a short period of time. It didn’t feel real this time until Justin was placed into our arms. I must admit that it took a while for all of us to adjust to our newest addition. We talked about the baby with our 10 year old so he would be prepared as best as possible. Our 18 month old didn’t understand what was going on. He was not real happy about this tiny intrusion on his life. We allowed him to touch the baby and sit next to us whenever he wanted to. When he was ready to hold the baby, we allowed him to do just that (with our assistance, of course). Our 10 year old was allowed private time in his room when he needed to get away from the ‘babies.” Although, he has been asked to help out a lot and usually does so happily (keeping him involved is so important, he did feel a little displaced this time, just like the last time; although he got over it much quicker. We continued to inform him how much he is loved by both of us. The best advice we could give anyone is to communicate with each other, family, friends, and Adoption STAR about your feelings and emotions.”
L told me via telephone: “Finding out our daughter’s birth mother was pregnant again was a shock to say the least. Our daughter was turning two in a closed adoption. We felt so blessed to have a son by birth and a daughter by adoption that we were afraid to tempt fate. We also had so much else going on that we felt we had to say no. At first we brainstormed who in our family may want to adopt our daughter’s half sibling, but that became too painful for me as I did not want to see that child as a family member only to question whether or not I should have made a different decision. We want to know the new family and keep in touch for the children’s benefit. I feel blessed everyday for our children and know that the decision we made was in the best interest of our family.”
Of the seven responses, we covered adopting your child’s birth sibling, learning the birth mother of your child chose to parent her next child or children, one who chose abortion and another family who chose not to adopt again. These situations clearly show that everyone is different. Each family’s response may have started with “surprise” or shock but each family’s journey took them on different paths. One important piece of the puzzle however is often overlooked. We can more easily relate to the adoptive parent perspective and whether we may want to consider adopting the sibling of the child we already adopted, but have we thought about the birth mother and her situation?
Granted, as mentioned earlier, a pregnancy that occurs within a year of the birth of the child she placed for adoption is hard to deal with – not only for the adoptive parents but for the birth mother herself and for the adoption professionals involved. There have been adoptive families who have told me that they hope to hear that the birth mother is pregnant again so they can adopt again. I respond that it sounds neat, but it actuality it would be very sad if the birth mother found herself pregnant again. One of our “repeat” birth mothers called us almost daily throughout her subsequent pregnancy and had such a hard time overcoming the fact that she got herself in the same situation again. She felt terrible about herself; embarrassed to have the adoptive family find out; and anxious about living through another loss.
If the birth mother selects a parenting plan and allows us to work with her we counsel her to identify why she thinks she has become pregnant again. Was it an unexpected pregnancy or planned? Does she believe by raising this baby that she will fill the void she feels? Does she believe that she can “replace” the baby she placed for adoption? Of course this is not possible and often leads to disappointment and challenges for the birth mother throughout her parenting plan.
On the other hand, if your child’s birth mother is pregnant again and chooses to parent this time, have there been remarkable changes in her life? Was she at first a college student and now she has graduated with a degree and feels more ready for parenthood? Is she engaged to be married or currently married? Is she more mature, responsible and stable? Has she identified additional support from family members or friends that perhaps were not there for her before? It may be hard to accept a woman’s decision to parent when you desire to adopt her child, but it is her right to make the decision to parent, just as it was her right to choose you to adopt the baby she placed for adoption.
For those of us who adopted a birth sibling we recall the moments of learning of the pregnancy and birth and the incredible stress and unbelievable joy that coincided. For those of us who learned that a birth mother parented after placing a child with us beforehand, we can not stop wondering what life would have been like if he or she joined our family and how different his or her life would be today. Both scenarios cause a great deal of emotion that can easily be recalled even if much time has passed. Unexpectedly, my husband and I encountered both these scenarios.
For those who chose to pass on adopting the sibling or half sibling, you may feel similarly, wondering how the child is doing and overwhelm yourself by asking, “Did I make the right decision?” These feelings are typical and expected. Reminding yourself of all the reasons why you made your decision will help you understand that you did make the best decision for your family.
It is important to value the fact that life takes us on many paths and we must find security by accepting the choices that we make for ourselves as well as those made by our children’s birth families. Often these times cause us to feel unsettled, however acknowledging that we do not have all the answers will help us to enjoy our journey even more!
(c) Michele Fried
In June of 1990 my husband and I learned that our oldest son had a half biological sibling that was being placed for adoption. We experienced a great deal of emotions learning of the news and making the life altering decision to grow our family when we were not planning for another child at that time. For us, it became the greatest blessing to add this magnificent child to our family. However, having experienced it personally I am familiar with some of the reactions our clients have had over the years when they learn that their child’s birth mother is pregnant again. I have seen reactions spanning from elation to grief. The news sparks something different for every family, but what remains constant is the surprise.
Even when a second pregnancy and adoption occurs and everyone is happy with the plan, I am saddened by the fact that the birth mother has found herself in the same situation again. For those women who choose to parent the second time around, I can’t help but think that the pregnancy was hoped for. In some way, the birth parent may be trying to replace the child she lost through adoption. I have seen women with open and closed adoptions make such decisions. Sometimes a new (and hopefully healthy) relationship (possibly marriage) has occurred in the life of the birth mother and she is more then ready for this planned pregnancy. Other times we must question, “What has changed in your life to make a parenting plan that wasn’t in place when you gave birth and placed for adoption?” These are the more challenging situations. These are the sadder cases when we learn of a new pregnancy within a year or less of the adoptive placement.
A small number of Adoption STAR couples have experienced learning that their child’s birth mother is pregnant again. Each family experienced a broad range of emotions, many had to make difficult decisions or come to terms with choices made by the birth family. In an effort to help others who may one day learn that their child’s birth mother is pregnant again, I asked several of our clients to share their experiences, emotions and advice with us.
Harvey shared: “At the outset, we were thrilled to be able to adopt siblings from the same birth parents. This will certainly give them something in common that many adopted children do not have. I expect this will be especially true as they get older and start being more curious about adoption and about their birth parents and birth siblings. It gives us an experience more like that of parents raising their birth children, such as observing the similarities and differences between siblings of the same birth parents. For us, however, the decision to adopt our son’s sibling was easy because we already decided we wanted a larger family, had already submitted the paperwork, and were so happy with the first child's 18 months, that it was a "no-brainer" to adopt a second child from the same birth mother. This is not to say we could not respect the decision of adoptive parents declining such an opportunity. Obviously, you have to do what is best for everyone. If the adoptive family is truly not in a position to add a new child, for whatever reason, and doing so would make things worse for the children already adopted, it would be better to decline than to make things worse. Each person must make the right decision for themselves and their families. They should not feel pressured to take in a child they could not care for and love in the way each child deserves.”
Teri responded: “When I first learned that Nicole had given birth to twins- almost 18 months to the day after Gabi was born- I was surprised. I couldn’t imagine that she had gotten pregnant so soon. The only thoughts I had ever indulged in regarding a possible future pregnancy included a fantasy where I pictured Gabi at about 4 years- and Nicole asking us to parent her biological sibling. I had never even imagined (let alone prepared for) the idea that she would choose to parent. I wanted so badly for the things she had told the agency at her initial contact to be true- that she was returning to college, and getting her life back on track. When it started to sink in that she had not only gotten pregnant again, but she was also choosing to parent- so many questions began to form. The most pressing by far; how can I explain to Gabi that out of Nicole’s 6 children, she was the only one that had been placed for adoption? I cried for a few days. I called family and friends for comfort and advice. I posted my feelings on the STAR adoption family message board at Yahoo groups. I also called STAR and talked to our caseworker. I talked. It was the best thing for me. Speaking to others about it allowed me to better understand my feelings. Eventually, I wrote a letter to Nicole. I shared my fears for Gabi with her. This was a HUGE relief. After about two months, I sent gifts for the twins along with our congratulations. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I still have the occasional fantasy of getting that phone call from STAR- where they relay the message to us that Nicole wants to know if we are interested in parenting the twins. My husband and I have even had fantasy conversations of bedroom arrangements and twin parenting. The best advice that I have for those who experience this is to remember that sometimes we create worries and fears for our children. I don’t know what Gabi’s reaction will be as she is able to comprehend her situation. I don’t want to create problems for her by assuming that she should or will feel a certain way. As with all situations, I need to follow her lead- let her grow and develop into the person that she is destined to become. I’ll let her decide what things bother her, and what to roll off of her shoulders. It is my duty to be there for her and love and protect her through whatever comes her way.”
Jennifer wrote: “When we found out our son’s birth mother was pregnant we were surprised to say the least! We were very angry at first. Our first reaction was, "How could she do this to us?" After the reality set in, we started to feel empathy for her parents who were so supportive of her first adoption plan. It was weird because immediately we wanted the entire family to know that we were here if she decided not to parent. Really though, deep down in our hearts no matter how much she tried to convince us, we knew that there was no way she could or would follow through with it. How could she go through such a painful ordeal again? Up until weeks before the delivery we never really felt that butterfly feeling you get when you are going to be a parent again. We had that exciting, nervous feeling when we first learned about Matthew and Bella.”
Yael shared: “When the birthmother of our twins emailed me that she was pregnant and planning to abort the baby, I was so sad. After getting amnio results that her baby boy had Down Syndrome, she was planning an abortion. I wonder to this day why she chose to tell me at all--but especially before she had the abortion. After consulting with our rabbi, I emailed her back and urged her to reconsider, that we would love to adopt her baby. The next email from her said, "The deed is done." Then, several months later she emailed me that she was pregnant again--this time with the biological father of our twins. I remember feeling very conflicted. On one hand, I assumed that they were back together as a couple and I wondered if they might want more contact with the girls or feel they had made a mistake in placing them. On the other hand, knowing her, I was concerned that she would not be able to bond with her child. Of course, I also wondered if she would want to place him with us--especially if he was not healthy or "perfect".
As it turned out, he was healthy and perfect. The baby's father has never visited him and they are not a couple. She brought pictures of her son when she came to visit the girls in the spring. She has sent other photos of him a couple of times. He looks so much like the twins. It is hard to imagine that these kids will not want to connect some day. I wish our birth mother the very best and hope she is enjoying parenting.”
Lynn remembered: “When we got the call about Morgan's biological sibling being born our feelings spanned from overwhelmed, excited, and not being able to process. We learned about the baby when he was already one month old, so we didn’t have much time to digest the information. I remember saying, "I can't believe Morgan has a brother." Rob and I had just assumed that Morgan was going to be an only child. Although we did want other children, we were both okay with raising one. We were lucky to adopt Morgan. We never, in a million years, would have thought that this would have happened. I wasn't working, so we didn't know how we could afford the adoption fees, let alone all the extra expenses that went along with raising another child. We had no money saved. We were still paying off the loan for Morgan’s adoption, and didn't think it was feasible. We couldn’t escape the feeling that we couldn't let them live separately. Yet how on earth would we come up with that kind of money literally overnight? After speaking with the agency, a lot of our anxieties were soothed. Placing siblings together is regarded highly and a payment plan was discussed. The experience taught us what the true meaning of family is as our family members offered to lend us as much as we needed to adopt again. Ultimately, it wasn't hard to decide to adopt Aiden. That part was easy. If there was a way, we were going to try to find it.”
Karen responded: “At the initial phone call from Adoption STAR, we were surprised and shocked. It was not something we had ever thought would happen. Our first reaction was “how can we do this again so soon and where do we get the finances, if we decide to adopt this baby?” Then we both thought “how do you say no?” After much talking and praying, the decision was made to move forward with this placement. It took a while to sink in that we were going to bring home another baby. It just didn’t seem possible. We had mixed emotions. We were excited, happy, nervous, (even though this would be baby number 3), and a little scared. We wondered how our other two children would adjust and how we would adjust. We had to do our home study update paperwork over again in a short period of time. It didn’t feel real this time until Justin was placed into our arms. I must admit that it took a while for all of us to adjust to our newest addition. We talked about the baby with our 10 year old so he would be prepared as best as possible. Our 18 month old didn’t understand what was going on. He was not real happy about this tiny intrusion on his life. We allowed him to touch the baby and sit next to us whenever he wanted to. When he was ready to hold the baby, we allowed him to do just that (with our assistance, of course). Our 10 year old was allowed private time in his room when he needed to get away from the ‘babies.” Although, he has been asked to help out a lot and usually does so happily (keeping him involved is so important, he did feel a little displaced this time, just like the last time; although he got over it much quicker. We continued to inform him how much he is loved by both of us. The best advice we could give anyone is to communicate with each other, family, friends, and Adoption STAR about your feelings and emotions.”
L told me via telephone: “Finding out our daughter’s birth mother was pregnant again was a shock to say the least. Our daughter was turning two in a closed adoption. We felt so blessed to have a son by birth and a daughter by adoption that we were afraid to tempt fate. We also had so much else going on that we felt we had to say no. At first we brainstormed who in our family may want to adopt our daughter’s half sibling, but that became too painful for me as I did not want to see that child as a family member only to question whether or not I should have made a different decision. We want to know the new family and keep in touch for the children’s benefit. I feel blessed everyday for our children and know that the decision we made was in the best interest of our family.”
Of the seven responses, we covered adopting your child’s birth sibling, learning the birth mother of your child chose to parent her next child or children, one who chose abortion and another family who chose not to adopt again. These situations clearly show that everyone is different. Each family’s response may have started with “surprise” or shock but each family’s journey took them on different paths. One important piece of the puzzle however is often overlooked. We can more easily relate to the adoptive parent perspective and whether we may want to consider adopting the sibling of the child we already adopted, but have we thought about the birth mother and her situation?
Granted, as mentioned earlier, a pregnancy that occurs within a year of the birth of the child she placed for adoption is hard to deal with – not only for the adoptive parents but for the birth mother herself and for the adoption professionals involved. There have been adoptive families who have told me that they hope to hear that the birth mother is pregnant again so they can adopt again. I respond that it sounds neat, but it actuality it would be very sad if the birth mother found herself pregnant again. One of our “repeat” birth mothers called us almost daily throughout her subsequent pregnancy and had such a hard time overcoming the fact that she got herself in the same situation again. She felt terrible about herself; embarrassed to have the adoptive family find out; and anxious about living through another loss.
If the birth mother selects a parenting plan and allows us to work with her we counsel her to identify why she thinks she has become pregnant again. Was it an unexpected pregnancy or planned? Does she believe by raising this baby that she will fill the void she feels? Does she believe that she can “replace” the baby she placed for adoption? Of course this is not possible and often leads to disappointment and challenges for the birth mother throughout her parenting plan.
On the other hand, if your child’s birth mother is pregnant again and chooses to parent this time, have there been remarkable changes in her life? Was she at first a college student and now she has graduated with a degree and feels more ready for parenthood? Is she engaged to be married or currently married? Is she more mature, responsible and stable? Has she identified additional support from family members or friends that perhaps were not there for her before? It may be hard to accept a woman’s decision to parent when you desire to adopt her child, but it is her right to make the decision to parent, just as it was her right to choose you to adopt the baby she placed for adoption.
For those of us who adopted a birth sibling we recall the moments of learning of the pregnancy and birth and the incredible stress and unbelievable joy that coincided. For those of us who learned that a birth mother parented after placing a child with us beforehand, we can not stop wondering what life would have been like if he or she joined our family and how different his or her life would be today. Both scenarios cause a great deal of emotion that can easily be recalled even if much time has passed. Unexpectedly, my husband and I encountered both these scenarios.
For those who chose to pass on adopting the sibling or half sibling, you may feel similarly, wondering how the child is doing and overwhelm yourself by asking, “Did I make the right decision?” These feelings are typical and expected. Reminding yourself of all the reasons why you made your decision will help you understand that you did make the best decision for your family.
It is important to value the fact that life takes us on many paths and we must find security by accepting the choices that we make for ourselves as well as those made by our children’s birth families. Often these times cause us to feel unsettled, however acknowledging that we do not have all the answers will help us to enjoy our journey even more!
Bonding and Adoptive Parenthood
Bonding and Adoptive Parenthood
(c) Michele Fried
Bonding is an intense attachment that develops between parents and their baby. It makes parents shower their baby with love and affection. Scientists are fascinated by bonding and know that bonding is essential for babies.
What is neat to learn is that an infant is ready to bond immediately. Parents, on the other hand, may have a mixture of feelings. Some new parents claim when they laid eyes on their baby that they fell in love “at first sight.” For others, whether they have given birth or adopted, the bonding process took a bit longer. I read some place that “bonding is a by-product of everyday care giving.” You may not even realize it, but bonding is happening with every care giving task, such as getting up at night to feed your baby, with every bath you give and every song you sing. Suddenly your baby giggles out loud and you’re filled with incredible joy and you just know you are in love. Sometimes the baby develops a fever and you are more fearful then you expected and inside you just know that this child is your world.
I was one of those parents who bonded immediately to our first child. But what I had to learn was that adoptive parenthood is like biological parenthood – there is no instinctive “how-to.” Days after placement, our very wonderful new baby was inconsolable one night and both my husband and I wondered if we didn’t have the skills to consol him because we were adoptive parents. Dr. Spock’s Baby Care book helped us throw that myth away. Dr. Spock says sometimes a baby is crying because he is crying. It may sound silly, but often adoptive parents are harder on themselves because we think we should innately know what to do. Maybe your baby has colic or maybe he is over-stimulated, but just because you are an adoptive parent does not give you a lesser ability to be an excellent parent.
Our second child arrived by birth and I was surprised to find that I did not bond immediately as I did with our first who we adopted. I was disturbed by it at first, but then one day I looked at this pudgy beautiful child and knew I just loved him. For me it was the acts of every day mothering that helped with bonding and attachment. I learned as my family began to grown (by birth and adoption) that every adoptive placement and delivery is different and every baby has their own personality.
After years of watching families bond and attach I believe it is important to begin thinking about bonding and attachment even before you adopt. Analyze yourself and ask yourself how best you connect with children. What would help you develop a relationship with your new baby? For some women, they have always wanted to breastfeed. Well, an adoptive mother can breastfeed her adopted baby. Although it may be complicated to initiate, especially if you are not sure when a baby will be placed in your care – it can be accomplished. If you decide you want to consider adoptive breastfeeding, the agency provides books to introduce the idea and a lactation consultant can be helpful in getting you ready. Begin to think about how you will manage your time when a baby arrives, especially if both parents will work. How much time off will one or both parents have? How can the working parent have the time necessary to get to know the new baby and to develop a relationship? Think about the types of baby items you would want to purchase when your baby arrives, for example, using a baby sling or snuggly is highly recommended. This allows you to keep the baby close to you as you conduct your usual routines.
Have you researched infant massage? This is a wonderful way to connect with your baby and can be a wonderful health benefit for your baby. Also begin reading child care books and accept the fact that you can not spoil a baby. You can never hold a baby too much. Babies need and thrive from physical contact.
There are different types of adoptive families, some who are waiting for their first child and others who have given birth to their first child and are now seeking to adopt perhaps due to secondary infertility. Blended families, those with biological and adopted children, must enter adoption with their eyes wide open and not place too much emphasis on differences between their children, but rather embrace the uniqueness of every child. Blended families are often known to be more flexible and can see that not everything is an adoption issue. They realize that their biological children also have times when they struggle or act out. A very neat aspect of blended families is that sibling relationships between adopted and non-adopted children are as healthy and close and those in biological sibling relationships.
When you ask a mother of more than one child if she loves her children “the same,” you will often hear, “The basic parental love that causes us to offer daily care for our children is the same. The feeling that “this is my child’ is also the same. But as I would imagine what is true for any parents of more than one child is that we love them each individually.”
Whether you are adopting your first child or adopting a child after you have given birth, remembering to communicate your feelings is very important. If you have taken the new series of Adoption STAR home study classes you know that the first class is called “Talking about Adoption” and it deals with communicating with your child, your significant other and those around you. Our children need to hear not only that we love them but that they are ours: Claiming. Believing you deserve to be a parent and that you are the child’s parent: Entitlement. These are two key ingredients. Being prepared for others’ questions is just as important. When onlookers want to know more, it’s okay to joyfully share your adoption experience. Perhaps you have two children, one may have been born to you and one may have been adopted by you, but they are most definitely your children. At the most basic level, if you are asked if those children are yours, you simply would answer, “Yes.”
For some prospective parents, the fantasy of a child has a specific vision in place and if the child does not fit the parent’s vision, bonding can be hampered until the parent becomes more familiar with the new baby and finds beauty in the child’s differences. I recall one adoptive parent who focused everything she had on adopting an Asian child. Even when other children became available she passed as she was already in love with the “idea” of an Asian daughter. It is also common that in a two parent family that one parent feels connected with the new arrival sooner then the other one – that is normal as we all have our own ways of “getting to know” others.
Sometimes there are unique circumstances that can delay bonding and this could occur when caring for a baby with special medical needs, or for a baby who is premature. I have also seen new parents not fare too well with the lack of sleep that often goes hand in hand with the typical newborn stage. I have also seen new adoptive parents, particularly adoptive moms who are mourning for the birth mother’s loss that they forget to allow themselves to experience the joy of becoming a mother. Other parents become so worried about a potential legal risk situation that they are afraid to let themselves attach. Though it is important to “think” about bonding and to “talk” about adoption, it should not worry you or consume you. Remember, everything in moderation.
If you feel you are not bonding to your child as you think you should be, it is important to share those feelings. You can speak to the adoption professionals you worked with and your child’s pediatrician. These specialists have a great deal of experience with bonding and attachment issues and can help you to develop a wonderful relationship with your child. Speaking to other adoptive parents can also be very helpful.
Bonding is a complex and personal experience. It can take time. Utilize that time to enjoy “getting to know” and “caring” for your baby.
(c) Michele Fried
Bonding is an intense attachment that develops between parents and their baby. It makes parents shower their baby with love and affection. Scientists are fascinated by bonding and know that bonding is essential for babies.
What is neat to learn is that an infant is ready to bond immediately. Parents, on the other hand, may have a mixture of feelings. Some new parents claim when they laid eyes on their baby that they fell in love “at first sight.” For others, whether they have given birth or adopted, the bonding process took a bit longer. I read some place that “bonding is a by-product of everyday care giving.” You may not even realize it, but bonding is happening with every care giving task, such as getting up at night to feed your baby, with every bath you give and every song you sing. Suddenly your baby giggles out loud and you’re filled with incredible joy and you just know you are in love. Sometimes the baby develops a fever and you are more fearful then you expected and inside you just know that this child is your world.
I was one of those parents who bonded immediately to our first child. But what I had to learn was that adoptive parenthood is like biological parenthood – there is no instinctive “how-to.” Days after placement, our very wonderful new baby was inconsolable one night and both my husband and I wondered if we didn’t have the skills to consol him because we were adoptive parents. Dr. Spock’s Baby Care book helped us throw that myth away. Dr. Spock says sometimes a baby is crying because he is crying. It may sound silly, but often adoptive parents are harder on themselves because we think we should innately know what to do. Maybe your baby has colic or maybe he is over-stimulated, but just because you are an adoptive parent does not give you a lesser ability to be an excellent parent.
Our second child arrived by birth and I was surprised to find that I did not bond immediately as I did with our first who we adopted. I was disturbed by it at first, but then one day I looked at this pudgy beautiful child and knew I just loved him. For me it was the acts of every day mothering that helped with bonding and attachment. I learned as my family began to grown (by birth and adoption) that every adoptive placement and delivery is different and every baby has their own personality.
After years of watching families bond and attach I believe it is important to begin thinking about bonding and attachment even before you adopt. Analyze yourself and ask yourself how best you connect with children. What would help you develop a relationship with your new baby? For some women, they have always wanted to breastfeed. Well, an adoptive mother can breastfeed her adopted baby. Although it may be complicated to initiate, especially if you are not sure when a baby will be placed in your care – it can be accomplished. If you decide you want to consider adoptive breastfeeding, the agency provides books to introduce the idea and a lactation consultant can be helpful in getting you ready. Begin to think about how you will manage your time when a baby arrives, especially if both parents will work. How much time off will one or both parents have? How can the working parent have the time necessary to get to know the new baby and to develop a relationship? Think about the types of baby items you would want to purchase when your baby arrives, for example, using a baby sling or snuggly is highly recommended. This allows you to keep the baby close to you as you conduct your usual routines.
Have you researched infant massage? This is a wonderful way to connect with your baby and can be a wonderful health benefit for your baby. Also begin reading child care books and accept the fact that you can not spoil a baby. You can never hold a baby too much. Babies need and thrive from physical contact.
There are different types of adoptive families, some who are waiting for their first child and others who have given birth to their first child and are now seeking to adopt perhaps due to secondary infertility. Blended families, those with biological and adopted children, must enter adoption with their eyes wide open and not place too much emphasis on differences between their children, but rather embrace the uniqueness of every child. Blended families are often known to be more flexible and can see that not everything is an adoption issue. They realize that their biological children also have times when they struggle or act out. A very neat aspect of blended families is that sibling relationships between adopted and non-adopted children are as healthy and close and those in biological sibling relationships.
When you ask a mother of more than one child if she loves her children “the same,” you will often hear, “The basic parental love that causes us to offer daily care for our children is the same. The feeling that “this is my child’ is also the same. But as I would imagine what is true for any parents of more than one child is that we love them each individually.”
Whether you are adopting your first child or adopting a child after you have given birth, remembering to communicate your feelings is very important. If you have taken the new series of Adoption STAR home study classes you know that the first class is called “Talking about Adoption” and it deals with communicating with your child, your significant other and those around you. Our children need to hear not only that we love them but that they are ours: Claiming. Believing you deserve to be a parent and that you are the child’s parent: Entitlement. These are two key ingredients. Being prepared for others’ questions is just as important. When onlookers want to know more, it’s okay to joyfully share your adoption experience. Perhaps you have two children, one may have been born to you and one may have been adopted by you, but they are most definitely your children. At the most basic level, if you are asked if those children are yours, you simply would answer, “Yes.”
For some prospective parents, the fantasy of a child has a specific vision in place and if the child does not fit the parent’s vision, bonding can be hampered until the parent becomes more familiar with the new baby and finds beauty in the child’s differences. I recall one adoptive parent who focused everything she had on adopting an Asian child. Even when other children became available she passed as she was already in love with the “idea” of an Asian daughter. It is also common that in a two parent family that one parent feels connected with the new arrival sooner then the other one – that is normal as we all have our own ways of “getting to know” others.
Sometimes there are unique circumstances that can delay bonding and this could occur when caring for a baby with special medical needs, or for a baby who is premature. I have also seen new parents not fare too well with the lack of sleep that often goes hand in hand with the typical newborn stage. I have also seen new adoptive parents, particularly adoptive moms who are mourning for the birth mother’s loss that they forget to allow themselves to experience the joy of becoming a mother. Other parents become so worried about a potential legal risk situation that they are afraid to let themselves attach. Though it is important to “think” about bonding and to “talk” about adoption, it should not worry you or consume you. Remember, everything in moderation.
If you feel you are not bonding to your child as you think you should be, it is important to share those feelings. You can speak to the adoption professionals you worked with and your child’s pediatrician. These specialists have a great deal of experience with bonding and attachment issues and can help you to develop a wonderful relationship with your child. Speaking to other adoptive parents can also be very helpful.
Bonding is a complex and personal experience. It can take time. Utilize that time to enjoy “getting to know” and “caring” for your baby.
Eighteen Years Later: An Adoption Story, Part Two
Eighteen Years Later: An Adoption Story Part Two
(c) Michele Fried
Adopting Zachary was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I can remember it as if it were yesterday. If you don’t mind, I will take you from 3 days old to 18 years later as fast as I can… we drove to the hospital to meet the birth mother and the agency social worker and take home our baby… sounds simple but you know it wasn’t. After having my husband pull over due to my intense cramping from nervousness, we almost never got there. Arriving at the hospital we learned that the birth mother was so emotional that she couldn’t get dressed to come back to the hospital to sign her surrender papers. After what seemed hours, I was convinced that at any moment we would be told to go home without the baby. As I shared with you in Part One of this article, we had already experienced many adoption miscarriages and I truly felt that I could not bear another loss. We eventually were called into an office in the hospital where we were introduced to the birth mother and her mother.
There were hugs, tears and surprisingly some laughter. She and I caught one another trying to look at the other. I remember holding hands and hugging her. I remember feeling oddly calm at one point -- just knowing that I liked her. I told myself that I would be able to wish her well and that it would be okay if she took the baby home. Was I preparing myself for disappointment? Was I struck by how hard it would be for her to let this baby go? She carried him; she birthed him; she met him, held him and fed him. I did not experience any of those things. Yet I knew, with all of my heart and soul, that I would love this baby forever.
By some sheer miracle, I heard this young woman say, “I want them to have the baby.” The social worker and her mom praised her and I just yelled out and embraced my husband and cried. How do you thank someone for the greatest gift in the world?
I didn’t meet my son in a fairy tale way. Chuck was told to pull up the car and the social worker took the baby bag of clothing I brought. It was a very cold November day and I did not know what to pack. A neighbor gave me some clothes to choose from and I put them all in the bag. When I first met him, I was standing inside the front door of the hospital and he was handed to me bundled in every piece of clothing I packed! He was beautiful. He was perfect.
I don’t remember the ride home except for sitting beside him in the back of the car. The next thing I remember is sitting on our bed and laying the baby in front of me. My husband left with the neighbors to go shopping. We had no diapers, no formula, no crib, nothing. I never wanted to prepare as I have always been a bit superstitious. I was alone in our apartment, sitting in our queen size water bed with this tiny baby. I truly did not know what to do. So I undressed him and turned him every way. I dressed him again and sat there, stared at him in amazement, and waited. Chuck returned with formula and toys! He came home with a large motorized airplane that rode around the floor and lifted up a bit as if it would be taking off. He came home with a new video camera. He forgot the diapers.
Fast forward past the projectile vomiting, never crawling and walking at 10 months old…to age 15 months. My husband went to some adoption conference in NYC… why I can’t remember… this is the same guy who let me do all the learning about adoption! Now he was so involved in learning more himself… he came home excited with new information on what “open adoption” really meant. He reported that it didn’t mean being “picked” and sharing the photos and letters we reluctantly sent to the agency. It meant bigger (and scarier) things. Scary for me, yet it seemed like “the meaning of life” for my husband. I thought it meant that he didn’t love our son as much as I did. What he was purposing was preposterous. Yet somehow in the next few months I was convinced to write a letter to our son’s birth mother including our telephone number and inviting her to call us.
Our open adoption grew slowly and through the years we have shared great family events together such as birthdays, family picnics and a Bar Mitzvah. With all of these grand times, there were also times when we had no contact from his birth mother. For 18 years I have worked my hardest to maintain our open adoption. I have done this for Zack. Now that Zack is an adult, I of course have the past 18 years to learn from. I still can’t answer one question though… and no, it isn’t would I have chosen an open adoption? That is the easy question -- of course I would, again and again. As the benefits absolutely out weigh any of the challenges. The question I struggle with is would I have protected Zack as much as I have? I am a protector. That is what I see mothering as, but mothering I know also consists of letting your children try to fly on their own. And I have a hard time with that one.
I often made up excuses to cover for Zack’s birth mom not calling, arriving late or not showing up for a planned visit. I remember something my son’s birth grandfather said to me when I was devastated that his daughter didn’t show for the annual picnic. After all, how could I cover up that one? We did travel to Philadelphia for the visit. I was angry and very sad. I just didn’t know how it would make Zack feel and that unknown scared me. “It’s about time Michele that you stop painting a perfect picture for him. You can’t cover for her and try to protect him all the time. It’s not real life. Real life is the truth and my daughter’s choices are often irresponsible.” In reality he said some harsher things about his daughter, but his message was clear. Did she hurt Zack by not showing up? Was I hurt because I was projecting my feelings onto him? Was this open adoption too much for her after all these years?
The memories of the past many years rush by me, often second guessing my actions. I realize now that I sought after the perfect open adoption. Only to learn that there is no such thing. It’s just a relationship – a relationship with real people in real life circumstances. I routinely answer open adoption questions from our clients, my answers often come from my very own experiences. I will always feel close to Zachary’s birth mother even if she doesn’t keep in touch the way I envisioned. I may try, but I can never pretend to know the great sacrifice she made. I will always be grateful to her for giving us the greatest gift in the world.
Eighteen years ago, I wrote in my journal:
January 17, 1988
Today our baby has been with us for two months. Our beautiful son was born on Saturday, November 14, 1987 at 11:01 am. He was 7 pounds 1 ounce and was approximately 20 inches in length. We picked him up on Tuesday, November 17, 1987. We named our child Zachary Louis Fried.
I am at a loss for words. I do not know how to express on paper our love for this beautiful child, our son. There isn’t anything in the world that can make us happier. Zachary is everything to us. We love him more than we thought possible. He is so beautiful. He is so wonderful.
The joy I felt when my son was placed in my arms on November 17th will stay with me for the rest of my life. Our experiences the day we picked up Zachary will be shared with him as the years pass on.
We are so lucky.
Zachary, we love you. Forever.
My son has turned eighteen. I can easily write the same words today that I did so long ago… I can also add that I could not love him anymore then if I have given birth to him. I could not feel more connected to him. Now that he is away at college besides being so very proud of the man he has become, I selfishly have to admit that I miss him so much that it hurts.
I knew that this baby was the son we were meant to raise. I knew that I would one day write a story eighteen years later. I knew from the moment I was handed this baby that I would never take this blessing for granted. Where ever my son goes in life, whatever choices he makes, I will always be honored to call myself Zachary’s mom.
Happy birthday Zack. We will love you forever.
(c) Michele Fried
Adopting Zachary was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I can remember it as if it were yesterday. If you don’t mind, I will take you from 3 days old to 18 years later as fast as I can… we drove to the hospital to meet the birth mother and the agency social worker and take home our baby… sounds simple but you know it wasn’t. After having my husband pull over due to my intense cramping from nervousness, we almost never got there. Arriving at the hospital we learned that the birth mother was so emotional that she couldn’t get dressed to come back to the hospital to sign her surrender papers. After what seemed hours, I was convinced that at any moment we would be told to go home without the baby. As I shared with you in Part One of this article, we had already experienced many adoption miscarriages and I truly felt that I could not bear another loss. We eventually were called into an office in the hospital where we were introduced to the birth mother and her mother.
There were hugs, tears and surprisingly some laughter. She and I caught one another trying to look at the other. I remember holding hands and hugging her. I remember feeling oddly calm at one point -- just knowing that I liked her. I told myself that I would be able to wish her well and that it would be okay if she took the baby home. Was I preparing myself for disappointment? Was I struck by how hard it would be for her to let this baby go? She carried him; she birthed him; she met him, held him and fed him. I did not experience any of those things. Yet I knew, with all of my heart and soul, that I would love this baby forever.
By some sheer miracle, I heard this young woman say, “I want them to have the baby.” The social worker and her mom praised her and I just yelled out and embraced my husband and cried. How do you thank someone for the greatest gift in the world?
I didn’t meet my son in a fairy tale way. Chuck was told to pull up the car and the social worker took the baby bag of clothing I brought. It was a very cold November day and I did not know what to pack. A neighbor gave me some clothes to choose from and I put them all in the bag. When I first met him, I was standing inside the front door of the hospital and he was handed to me bundled in every piece of clothing I packed! He was beautiful. He was perfect.
I don’t remember the ride home except for sitting beside him in the back of the car. The next thing I remember is sitting on our bed and laying the baby in front of me. My husband left with the neighbors to go shopping. We had no diapers, no formula, no crib, nothing. I never wanted to prepare as I have always been a bit superstitious. I was alone in our apartment, sitting in our queen size water bed with this tiny baby. I truly did not know what to do. So I undressed him and turned him every way. I dressed him again and sat there, stared at him in amazement, and waited. Chuck returned with formula and toys! He came home with a large motorized airplane that rode around the floor and lifted up a bit as if it would be taking off. He came home with a new video camera. He forgot the diapers.
Fast forward past the projectile vomiting, never crawling and walking at 10 months old…to age 15 months. My husband went to some adoption conference in NYC… why I can’t remember… this is the same guy who let me do all the learning about adoption! Now he was so involved in learning more himself… he came home excited with new information on what “open adoption” really meant. He reported that it didn’t mean being “picked” and sharing the photos and letters we reluctantly sent to the agency. It meant bigger (and scarier) things. Scary for me, yet it seemed like “the meaning of life” for my husband. I thought it meant that he didn’t love our son as much as I did. What he was purposing was preposterous. Yet somehow in the next few months I was convinced to write a letter to our son’s birth mother including our telephone number and inviting her to call us.
Our open adoption grew slowly and through the years we have shared great family events together such as birthdays, family picnics and a Bar Mitzvah. With all of these grand times, there were also times when we had no contact from his birth mother. For 18 years I have worked my hardest to maintain our open adoption. I have done this for Zack. Now that Zack is an adult, I of course have the past 18 years to learn from. I still can’t answer one question though… and no, it isn’t would I have chosen an open adoption? That is the easy question -- of course I would, again and again. As the benefits absolutely out weigh any of the challenges. The question I struggle with is would I have protected Zack as much as I have? I am a protector. That is what I see mothering as, but mothering I know also consists of letting your children try to fly on their own. And I have a hard time with that one.
I often made up excuses to cover for Zack’s birth mom not calling, arriving late or not showing up for a planned visit. I remember something my son’s birth grandfather said to me when I was devastated that his daughter didn’t show for the annual picnic. After all, how could I cover up that one? We did travel to Philadelphia for the visit. I was angry and very sad. I just didn’t know how it would make Zack feel and that unknown scared me. “It’s about time Michele that you stop painting a perfect picture for him. You can’t cover for her and try to protect him all the time. It’s not real life. Real life is the truth and my daughter’s choices are often irresponsible.” In reality he said some harsher things about his daughter, but his message was clear. Did she hurt Zack by not showing up? Was I hurt because I was projecting my feelings onto him? Was this open adoption too much for her after all these years?
The memories of the past many years rush by me, often second guessing my actions. I realize now that I sought after the perfect open adoption. Only to learn that there is no such thing. It’s just a relationship – a relationship with real people in real life circumstances. I routinely answer open adoption questions from our clients, my answers often come from my very own experiences. I will always feel close to Zachary’s birth mother even if she doesn’t keep in touch the way I envisioned. I may try, but I can never pretend to know the great sacrifice she made. I will always be grateful to her for giving us the greatest gift in the world.
Eighteen years ago, I wrote in my journal:
January 17, 1988
Today our baby has been with us for two months. Our beautiful son was born on Saturday, November 14, 1987 at 11:01 am. He was 7 pounds 1 ounce and was approximately 20 inches in length. We picked him up on Tuesday, November 17, 1987. We named our child Zachary Louis Fried.
I am at a loss for words. I do not know how to express on paper our love for this beautiful child, our son. There isn’t anything in the world that can make us happier. Zachary is everything to us. We love him more than we thought possible. He is so beautiful. He is so wonderful.
The joy I felt when my son was placed in my arms on November 17th will stay with me for the rest of my life. Our experiences the day we picked up Zachary will be shared with him as the years pass on.
We are so lucky.
Zachary, we love you. Forever.
My son has turned eighteen. I can easily write the same words today that I did so long ago… I can also add that I could not love him anymore then if I have given birth to him. I could not feel more connected to him. Now that he is away at college besides being so very proud of the man he has become, I selfishly have to admit that I miss him so much that it hurts.
I knew that this baby was the son we were meant to raise. I knew that I would one day write a story eighteen years later. I knew from the moment I was handed this baby that I would never take this blessing for granted. Where ever my son goes in life, whatever choices he makes, I will always be honored to call myself Zachary’s mom.
Happy birthday Zack. We will love you forever.
Eighteen Years Later: An Adoption Story, Part One
Eighteen Years Later: An Adoption Story Part One
(c) Michele Fried
Zack left for College in August. As he turns eighteen this November, I find myself reminiscing about the journey I took before becoming a mother.
Our adoption journey was one filled with great ups and downs. Our first match we accepted. It was exciting as we received updates for one month. It all ended though when the birth father’s mother decided to raise the baby herself. Left with this information and never learning the gender of the baby, I will forever remember this loss (soon to be coined an “adoption miscarriage.”) I cried incessantly and called our home study social worker in hysterics, feeling foolish and lost, only to find her reassuring and spectacular not to call me crazy! I called my friend from my childhood town and cried to her. She too surprised me with great compassion recalling her mother once telling her of an adoption loss she and my friend’s father once experienced.
The second potential match fell through before it came to be when I surprised my husband at our celebration dinner at our favorite restaurant by saying I did not want to be matched with this pregnant woman. Why? I remember quite a bit of information about her even today and though there was nothing specific about her or her background that made me say no, it just didn’t feel right. So I said no. Saying no was hard, but it was the right decision.
In time I realized that I needed to continue with our adoption journey so I spoke to an attorney who promised quick results with a Colombian adoption, but after a few calls, I didn’t feel comfortable with the attorney. So I looked into agencies in another State. I learned of a toddler who needed a family and found myself challenged by his social worker who asked me, “Why would a white couple want this child?”
During our adoption journey, I kept a journal that I only recently found tucked away in an old box in my basement. Here are some excerpts that bring me back to that time:
May 27, 1987
Dear Diary,
With the end of May here – June will be arriving with new happenings: school will be ending; hopefully I will have a new summer job; our home study should be beginning. Chuck and I are just finishing our autobiographies for the social worker from the agency….. I’m a little apprehensive about the home study. I’ve been reading about in the books I have bought about adoption and in the books I have taken out of the library. One book stated that you should not appear to be too perfect or too much in shambles. That you should appear “normal.” Then it added: “Whatever normal means.” How true!!!
August 24, 1987
Dear Diary,
On Friday, August 21, I received a phone call from a woman at an adoption agency informing me that there is a baby to be born in 4 to 6 weeks – Would we like to consider adopting this baby? “Yes, yes, yes!” I said.
Today we received the preliminary application, soon we will be receiving the large application packet – we will send them all of our paperwork such as the home study, etc. And then… we will wait and pray.
October 25, 1987
Dear Diary,
On September 22, I received a phone call telling us that the birth parents of the baby we were promised decided not to place the baby for adoption. Of course I was devastated. I mourned the loss of this baby --- even though I never set eyes on him or her. For one month’s time I though about and often dreamed about this baby – and so, I hurt.
It was a process of hurt, of tears, frustration and struggling. Struggling not to go under – not to drown. I swam to shore, in a way, when I began once again, at the “drawing board” …
… Possibly another agency out-of-state may work with us. Finally there is an agency in our own state that will be working for us also.
Basically, at this time, there isn’t much else I can do except to wait. That is the hardest task.
October 31, 1987
Dear Diary,
The adoption is up and down – and so am I. Sometimes things seem so promising and other times we are left hanging without any hope.
I do not have patience, not for this anyway…
I learned something about myself a few days ago. We were given an opportunity to begin arrangements to adopt a baby to be born in February 1988. However, I turned the baby down. It was very difficult to do, nevertheless, I did it without Chuck’s or anyone else’s advice… I had really bad vibes about this adoption – so I followed this feeling… Now I know that as long as I follow my heart, I’ll be doing the right thing.
After all the ups and downs we found a local agency that was in its first year of operation. This is where we heard the term open adoption. I remember sitting in their office with my husband… nervously waiting to meet with the social worker. During that wait, in a cramped office in the outskirts of Philadelphia, the director of the agency bounced in the office and waved at us. I don’t recall her exact words but it was something to the affect of: “What a young cute couple you are! You will be picked so quickly!” Picked? What did that mean?
We soon learned that “being picked” meant “open adoption,” at least to this new agency. We were shown a large three-ring notebook with one-page (back to back) profiles held together by a plastic insert. I remember flipping through the book and viewing countless profiles of married couples of all ages hoping to be “picked” by a potential birth mother.
Wow. So many couples; so many people to compete with; I was overwhelmed. I was not so concerned about a to-be birth mother choosing an adoptive family for her baby. But I just didn’t want to be “one” of a large group of people. I told the social worker how I felt and she seemed genuinely surprised. “I want you to profile us when you really think that we would be the right family for someone. All of these families can’t be right for everyone.” She didn’t debate me and after a brief dialogue seemed to say okay. In retrospect it was probably because we were open to a baby of all races that there was no reason to debate as the people in the book were seeking a healthy white infant. I wanted her to realize however that healthy white infant or not, how could a woman flip page by page and find the right family… and by the way, how did one get put first or last in the “big book?”
Well, being open to race or not, didn’t make our being “picked” any easier. There were times the phone rang and other times they didn’t. The first call was regarding a pregnant woman who was parenting two to three children already. After receiving some basic information about her, I agreed that our profile could be shown. A day or two later the feedback was we “were too young for her.” What happened to being young and cute?
More time passed.
November 10, 1987
Thinking and keeping at it creates everything.
When you come to the end of your rope tie a knot in it and hang on!
Dear Diary,
I didn’t write the two quotes above, but they are my sentiments exactly. Sometimes it really feels as if I’m at the end of my rope. I do know though that “keeping at it” will pay off. At times it seems as if nothing is going to work out.
November 16, 1987
Dear Diary,
We should pick up our baby tomorrow morning…Please G-d.
The call came. He was born already and we could pick him up tomorrow. The funny thing is neither of us remember hearing whether the baby was a boy or girl. We just remember hearing about a baby, being selected and taking a baby home the next day. We were numb with excitement. You know what I mean if you have experienced “the call.” The social worker says she told my husband it was a boy, but he didn’t remember by the time he had me pulled out of the class I was teaching. It was a baby. That’s all he could remember.
(c) Michele Fried
Zack left for College in August. As he turns eighteen this November, I find myself reminiscing about the journey I took before becoming a mother.
Our adoption journey was one filled with great ups and downs. Our first match we accepted. It was exciting as we received updates for one month. It all ended though when the birth father’s mother decided to raise the baby herself. Left with this information and never learning the gender of the baby, I will forever remember this loss (soon to be coined an “adoption miscarriage.”) I cried incessantly and called our home study social worker in hysterics, feeling foolish and lost, only to find her reassuring and spectacular not to call me crazy! I called my friend from my childhood town and cried to her. She too surprised me with great compassion recalling her mother once telling her of an adoption loss she and my friend’s father once experienced.
The second potential match fell through before it came to be when I surprised my husband at our celebration dinner at our favorite restaurant by saying I did not want to be matched with this pregnant woman. Why? I remember quite a bit of information about her even today and though there was nothing specific about her or her background that made me say no, it just didn’t feel right. So I said no. Saying no was hard, but it was the right decision.
In time I realized that I needed to continue with our adoption journey so I spoke to an attorney who promised quick results with a Colombian adoption, but after a few calls, I didn’t feel comfortable with the attorney. So I looked into agencies in another State. I learned of a toddler who needed a family and found myself challenged by his social worker who asked me, “Why would a white couple want this child?”
During our adoption journey, I kept a journal that I only recently found tucked away in an old box in my basement. Here are some excerpts that bring me back to that time:
May 27, 1987
Dear Diary,
With the end of May here – June will be arriving with new happenings: school will be ending; hopefully I will have a new summer job; our home study should be beginning. Chuck and I are just finishing our autobiographies for the social worker from the agency….. I’m a little apprehensive about the home study. I’ve been reading about in the books I have bought about adoption and in the books I have taken out of the library. One book stated that you should not appear to be too perfect or too much in shambles. That you should appear “normal.” Then it added: “Whatever normal means.” How true!!!
August 24, 1987
Dear Diary,
On Friday, August 21, I received a phone call from a woman at an adoption agency informing me that there is a baby to be born in 4 to 6 weeks – Would we like to consider adopting this baby? “Yes, yes, yes!” I said.
Today we received the preliminary application, soon we will be receiving the large application packet – we will send them all of our paperwork such as the home study, etc. And then… we will wait and pray.
October 25, 1987
Dear Diary,
On September 22, I received a phone call telling us that the birth parents of the baby we were promised decided not to place the baby for adoption. Of course I was devastated. I mourned the loss of this baby --- even though I never set eyes on him or her. For one month’s time I though about and often dreamed about this baby – and so, I hurt.
It was a process of hurt, of tears, frustration and struggling. Struggling not to go under – not to drown. I swam to shore, in a way, when I began once again, at the “drawing board” …
… Possibly another agency out-of-state may work with us. Finally there is an agency in our own state that will be working for us also.
Basically, at this time, there isn’t much else I can do except to wait. That is the hardest task.
October 31, 1987
Dear Diary,
The adoption is up and down – and so am I. Sometimes things seem so promising and other times we are left hanging without any hope.
I do not have patience, not for this anyway…
I learned something about myself a few days ago. We were given an opportunity to begin arrangements to adopt a baby to be born in February 1988. However, I turned the baby down. It was very difficult to do, nevertheless, I did it without Chuck’s or anyone else’s advice… I had really bad vibes about this adoption – so I followed this feeling… Now I know that as long as I follow my heart, I’ll be doing the right thing.
After all the ups and downs we found a local agency that was in its first year of operation. This is where we heard the term open adoption. I remember sitting in their office with my husband… nervously waiting to meet with the social worker. During that wait, in a cramped office in the outskirts of Philadelphia, the director of the agency bounced in the office and waved at us. I don’t recall her exact words but it was something to the affect of: “What a young cute couple you are! You will be picked so quickly!” Picked? What did that mean?
We soon learned that “being picked” meant “open adoption,” at least to this new agency. We were shown a large three-ring notebook with one-page (back to back) profiles held together by a plastic insert. I remember flipping through the book and viewing countless profiles of married couples of all ages hoping to be “picked” by a potential birth mother.
Wow. So many couples; so many people to compete with; I was overwhelmed. I was not so concerned about a to-be birth mother choosing an adoptive family for her baby. But I just didn’t want to be “one” of a large group of people. I told the social worker how I felt and she seemed genuinely surprised. “I want you to profile us when you really think that we would be the right family for someone. All of these families can’t be right for everyone.” She didn’t debate me and after a brief dialogue seemed to say okay. In retrospect it was probably because we were open to a baby of all races that there was no reason to debate as the people in the book were seeking a healthy white infant. I wanted her to realize however that healthy white infant or not, how could a woman flip page by page and find the right family… and by the way, how did one get put first or last in the “big book?”
Well, being open to race or not, didn’t make our being “picked” any easier. There were times the phone rang and other times they didn’t. The first call was regarding a pregnant woman who was parenting two to three children already. After receiving some basic information about her, I agreed that our profile could be shown. A day or two later the feedback was we “were too young for her.” What happened to being young and cute?
More time passed.
November 10, 1987
Thinking and keeping at it creates everything.
When you come to the end of your rope tie a knot in it and hang on!
Dear Diary,
I didn’t write the two quotes above, but they are my sentiments exactly. Sometimes it really feels as if I’m at the end of my rope. I do know though that “keeping at it” will pay off. At times it seems as if nothing is going to work out.
November 16, 1987
Dear Diary,
We should pick up our baby tomorrow morning…Please G-d.
The call came. He was born already and we could pick him up tomorrow. The funny thing is neither of us remember hearing whether the baby was a boy or girl. We just remember hearing about a baby, being selected and taking a baby home the next day. We were numb with excitement. You know what I mean if you have experienced “the call.” The social worker says she told my husband it was a boy, but he didn’t remember by the time he had me pulled out of the class I was teaching. It was a baby. That’s all he could remember.
What Type of Prospective Parent Are You?
What Type of Prospective Parent Are You?
(c) Adoption STAR
We have written this article in our minds several times and have come together to find the best words to describe a specific process relating to working to become an adoptive parent. The key word here is “working.”
The agency’s most important daily job is to find homes for children. Even though this is often stated, it is probably the most misunderstood statement. The job of a reputable agency is not to find children for families but families for children.
When an individual/couple registers with an agency and obtains a home study, they are paying for a service: an adoption home study. There is never a guarantee that a child will be referred to them. No one can be “hired” to “find” someone a child.
To better breakdown this important statement we thought it might be interesting to learn about the “difference” between prospective adoptive parents once a home study is completed and approved.
One type of prospective adoptive parent already handed in their profile for pregnant women to consider even before their home study was complete. They frequently “tweak” their profile whether or not it is suggested that it needs “tweaking.” They not only receive monthly check-in calls from the agency, but they also phone the agency to say hello and to check in on their own. They are excited to hear about other options to creatively present themselves to birth mothers such as the DVD project which allows them to have their profile “come alive” with music, photos, video and graphics. They may post their profile online, create “baby cards” and hand them to everyone they meet telling them they are looking to adopt, contact Adoption STAR with referrals! They also revisit their grids frequently and challenge themselves with hard questions related to a child’s race or ethnicity, domestic versus international adoption, and drug exposure, mental health issues within the child’s birth family, etc. They not only “think” about “tweaking” their grids they actually do their own home work by way of talking to other adoptive families, reading medical journals, articles, etc. on such topics. While medical professionals may assist with obtaining answers to help complete the child interest grid, they work hard to understand many of the issues on the grid themselves. Most importantly, they chat on the online group and even more importantly they join SOFIA, the adoptive family support group and meet many new friends and continue their adoption education so when they adopt, they are more ready then ever to be the best parents. “They” will tell you that the wait is not easy, but taking control of the wait is easy and makes the process all the more special. They remind themselves that adoption is a journey that does not end with a placement of a child but rather it continues.
Another type of expectant adoptive parent does much of the above but also finds a hobby or project that they can work on before they become parents. This may be one hobby/project or several. One adoptive mom found great enjoyment in knitting and during her nesting period created many beautiful blankets and donated them to babies being placed for adoption. Several other adoptive moms spent their before parenthood period volunteering to help spread the word about the agency by disseminating literature around their community to doctor’s offices, clinics, schools, etc. Prospective moms and dads can also work together on household projects needing to get done, etc.
Another type of prospective adoptive parent rarely contacts the agency and sometimes does not return agency messages. They may have been given advice on “tweaking” their profile, but don’t appear interested in making those suggested changes. They truly may be very busy at home and at work that they haven’t gotten a chance to get around to making those changes, but time is going by and we are concerned they are not being presented in the best possible way. They may have been advised to enhance their profile with a DVD presentation, created professionally or on their own. They may have been encouraged to participate in the private adoption track. International adoption information may have been shared. They may have been advised to re-visit their grids specifically the child interest grid. They have been invited in for a meeting to explore these and other options, but have not yet accepted our invitation, or only one member of a couple comes in for a meeting. Often they say that it is money that is preventing them from exploring the other options. There are so many creative ways to expand one’s profile without a great deal of money. We know of many who were successful with the private track without breaking the bank and others who cut back on some personal extras in order to create a larger adoption budget.
No two prospective adoptive parents are alike and our illustrations can not include everyone, but the idea is for you to determine “what type of prospective parent are you?”
Sitting at home or at work “waiting” for the phone to ring is not a healthy way to approach adoption. Actively participating in your adoption journey is the way to go. It is not always easy, but in the long run it is worth it. We find “healthier” and “more prepared” adoptive parents when the prospective adopter takes control of their adoption path.
For those of you still overwhelmed by this process or the thought of this, we would recommend no longer thinking of yourself as a “waiting” parent, but rather an “expectant” or “prospective” parent. With this change, perhaps you can begin to view yourself as an active participant in becoming a parent. Take these examples to best understand our meaning:
If you were looking for a new, better paying job, you will need to “tweak” your resume, you will need to prepare yourself for interviews which may include research, continued education, etc. You will not get a job by waiting for someone to find you, but you will need to find them!
Perhaps you want to lose weight. What do you need to do? I know we don’t REALLY want to know what to do but the answer is we need to actively work on it. We need to be aware and educated about nutrition and calories and most importantly exercise; and then we need to exercise! Weight loss won’t just happen on its own. We need to go out and reach that goal for ourselves.
It is our hope that this article will inspire you to really get involved in your adoption journey. To believe in adoption and to understand that by having a home study does not mean you will get a phone call to pick up a baby but rather that you need to involve yourself in the process! Work with us. We will give you many ideas and tasks if you are interested.
This article may frustrate you because you have been through so much already. We have no desire to upset you or discourage you in the least. However if you feel this way, please examine why you are feeling this way? Yes, you have been through a lot. You most likely have experienced intense loss through infertility and perhaps pregnancy losses. We have clients who have lost children after birth. Perhaps you have had several “almost adoptions” but the match fell through because the birth family decided to parent. These losses are great. These losses can not be replaced.
It is up to you to look ahead and feel excited about the adoption process. It is crucial to view the bumps in the journey as part of the learning curve and to continue to believe and participate in the process.
(c) Adoption STAR
We have written this article in our minds several times and have come together to find the best words to describe a specific process relating to working to become an adoptive parent. The key word here is “working.”
The agency’s most important daily job is to find homes for children. Even though this is often stated, it is probably the most misunderstood statement. The job of a reputable agency is not to find children for families but families for children.
When an individual/couple registers with an agency and obtains a home study, they are paying for a service: an adoption home study. There is never a guarantee that a child will be referred to them. No one can be “hired” to “find” someone a child.
To better breakdown this important statement we thought it might be interesting to learn about the “difference” between prospective adoptive parents once a home study is completed and approved.
One type of prospective adoptive parent already handed in their profile for pregnant women to consider even before their home study was complete. They frequently “tweak” their profile whether or not it is suggested that it needs “tweaking.” They not only receive monthly check-in calls from the agency, but they also phone the agency to say hello and to check in on their own. They are excited to hear about other options to creatively present themselves to birth mothers such as the DVD project which allows them to have their profile “come alive” with music, photos, video and graphics. They may post their profile online, create “baby cards” and hand them to everyone they meet telling them they are looking to adopt, contact Adoption STAR with referrals! They also revisit their grids frequently and challenge themselves with hard questions related to a child’s race or ethnicity, domestic versus international adoption, and drug exposure, mental health issues within the child’s birth family, etc. They not only “think” about “tweaking” their grids they actually do their own home work by way of talking to other adoptive families, reading medical journals, articles, etc. on such topics. While medical professionals may assist with obtaining answers to help complete the child interest grid, they work hard to understand many of the issues on the grid themselves. Most importantly, they chat on the online group and even more importantly they join SOFIA, the adoptive family support group and meet many new friends and continue their adoption education so when they adopt, they are more ready then ever to be the best parents. “They” will tell you that the wait is not easy, but taking control of the wait is easy and makes the process all the more special. They remind themselves that adoption is a journey that does not end with a placement of a child but rather it continues.
Another type of expectant adoptive parent does much of the above but also finds a hobby or project that they can work on before they become parents. This may be one hobby/project or several. One adoptive mom found great enjoyment in knitting and during her nesting period created many beautiful blankets and donated them to babies being placed for adoption. Several other adoptive moms spent their before parenthood period volunteering to help spread the word about the agency by disseminating literature around their community to doctor’s offices, clinics, schools, etc. Prospective moms and dads can also work together on household projects needing to get done, etc.
Another type of prospective adoptive parent rarely contacts the agency and sometimes does not return agency messages. They may have been given advice on “tweaking” their profile, but don’t appear interested in making those suggested changes. They truly may be very busy at home and at work that they haven’t gotten a chance to get around to making those changes, but time is going by and we are concerned they are not being presented in the best possible way. They may have been advised to enhance their profile with a DVD presentation, created professionally or on their own. They may have been encouraged to participate in the private adoption track. International adoption information may have been shared. They may have been advised to re-visit their grids specifically the child interest grid. They have been invited in for a meeting to explore these and other options, but have not yet accepted our invitation, or only one member of a couple comes in for a meeting. Often they say that it is money that is preventing them from exploring the other options. There are so many creative ways to expand one’s profile without a great deal of money. We know of many who were successful with the private track without breaking the bank and others who cut back on some personal extras in order to create a larger adoption budget.
No two prospective adoptive parents are alike and our illustrations can not include everyone, but the idea is for you to determine “what type of prospective parent are you?”
Sitting at home or at work “waiting” for the phone to ring is not a healthy way to approach adoption. Actively participating in your adoption journey is the way to go. It is not always easy, but in the long run it is worth it. We find “healthier” and “more prepared” adoptive parents when the prospective adopter takes control of their adoption path.
For those of you still overwhelmed by this process or the thought of this, we would recommend no longer thinking of yourself as a “waiting” parent, but rather an “expectant” or “prospective” parent. With this change, perhaps you can begin to view yourself as an active participant in becoming a parent. Take these examples to best understand our meaning:
If you were looking for a new, better paying job, you will need to “tweak” your resume, you will need to prepare yourself for interviews which may include research, continued education, etc. You will not get a job by waiting for someone to find you, but you will need to find them!
Perhaps you want to lose weight. What do you need to do? I know we don’t REALLY want to know what to do but the answer is we need to actively work on it. We need to be aware and educated about nutrition and calories and most importantly exercise; and then we need to exercise! Weight loss won’t just happen on its own. We need to go out and reach that goal for ourselves.
It is our hope that this article will inspire you to really get involved in your adoption journey. To believe in adoption and to understand that by having a home study does not mean you will get a phone call to pick up a baby but rather that you need to involve yourself in the process! Work with us. We will give you many ideas and tasks if you are interested.
This article may frustrate you because you have been through so much already. We have no desire to upset you or discourage you in the least. However if you feel this way, please examine why you are feeling this way? Yes, you have been through a lot. You most likely have experienced intense loss through infertility and perhaps pregnancy losses. We have clients who have lost children after birth. Perhaps you have had several “almost adoptions” but the match fell through because the birth family decided to parent. These losses are great. These losses can not be replaced.
It is up to you to look ahead and feel excited about the adoption process. It is crucial to view the bumps in the journey as part of the learning curve and to continue to believe and participate in the process.
Children Learn From Parents' Messages
Children Learn From Parents’ Messages
By Michele Fried
The adoptive mother of a Caucasian little boy sent me a note recently, “The moment for me that really brought home the idea of "adoption as a melting pot" was when I was at the agency picnic and overheard two big tough dads-- both Caucasian-- discussing hair tips for their African American children! Just another way that adoption makes life more interesting and wonderful.”
This mom continued to say that she often hears that her son looks like her husband. While that is a wonderful compliment, she stated that many people then add that “it was meant to be” because they look alike. “We usually chuckle and say he also has striking similarities to his birth mom, so he gets the best of both worlds.” What a brave and beautiful response.
The messages children receive come from their parents; and from the way they see them respond to others. Many years ago when I was a very young adoptive mother, I attended a national adoption conference. In a very large auditorium the topic of transracial adoption came up and a woman in the back of the room raised her hand to share what she thought was a wonderful response to annoying onlookers. She said that she is a mother of children who come from diverse ethnic backgrounds and she is often asked how could they all look so different from each other? Her response was, “I am a sloppy prostitute.” She laughed and expected the crowd to giggle along with her, but instead she got the message loud and clear: “While you think you are retorting with a cute response, what message are you sending to your children?”
Certainly most of us would never think to respond in that manner. But sometimes it is the slightest comments that we may not be aware of that can send the wrong message. Often, without thinking, adoptive parents speak about wanting their own children before they adopted. They have their own children. They may not have been born to them, but they are truly their own. Sometimes, without realizing it, adoptive parents talk about a birth parent that gave up their child, when they mean to say, “Made an adoption plan” or “Placed her baby.” I tell waiting parents that we are not spouting political correctness with our words, but rather introducing terminology that helps our children feel wanted, safe, and respected.
Those of us who have biological and adopted children should be aware of the comments received by family members and friends. Often the non adopted children are told how much they look like mommy or daddy and of course, mom and dad get a kick out of that response. What does the adoptee hear? What does the adoptee think? He does not resemble his parents, he wonders does he belong?
We need to work hard to identify similarities between us and our adopted children. “You have beautiful big brown eyes like your daddy.” “You draw very well; mommy is good at drawing too.” “You have feet just like daddy.” “The minute Grandpa saw you he said you arrived with his nose!” Of course for very little children it’s also important to point out simply that you each have two eyes, a nose and a mouth. Uncomplicated statements like that also help provide connections. When you speak of differences, speak of them as positives not negatives. “You have a beautiful voice. I remember learning that your birth mother loved to sing.” “You have beautiful brown skin. You are so lucky.” When discussing your African American or Biracial child’s hair, remember not to speak negatively about his or her hair being hard to manage or a challenge for you. I know that this is a common issue especially for Caucasian parents, though I have also heard many African American parents refer to their children’s hair as “bad.” Your child’s hair is not bad. It is simply different. Not something you may be familiar with yet, but with practice and patience you will be. Then you will be able to point out the differences between yours and your child’s hair rather then one type of hair being better than the other.
The messages you send to your children help shape their self esteem and reactions to others. The way you respond to others also will affect your children. Though you may not have desired to become a teacher, you have become one if you are a parent. You have the awesome responsibility to guide your children, but also to educate others on the ways they respond to your family and your children.
If you are an adoptive parent with Adoption STAR then you are a STAR graduate of our educational classes. Most of you are pros and some of you may think you need a refresher class! Don’t worry! It is never too late to begin being more aware of the terminology you use and how you respond to questions from strangers, and issues that arise within your extended family and circle of friends. Always be positive (even with question-asking strangers) and please remember, “Your children are listening.”
By Michele Fried
The adoptive mother of a Caucasian little boy sent me a note recently, “The moment for me that really brought home the idea of "adoption as a melting pot" was when I was at the agency picnic and overheard two big tough dads-- both Caucasian-- discussing hair tips for their African American children! Just another way that adoption makes life more interesting and wonderful.”
This mom continued to say that she often hears that her son looks like her husband. While that is a wonderful compliment, she stated that many people then add that “it was meant to be” because they look alike. “We usually chuckle and say he also has striking similarities to his birth mom, so he gets the best of both worlds.” What a brave and beautiful response.
The messages children receive come from their parents; and from the way they see them respond to others. Many years ago when I was a very young adoptive mother, I attended a national adoption conference. In a very large auditorium the topic of transracial adoption came up and a woman in the back of the room raised her hand to share what she thought was a wonderful response to annoying onlookers. She said that she is a mother of children who come from diverse ethnic backgrounds and she is often asked how could they all look so different from each other? Her response was, “I am a sloppy prostitute.” She laughed and expected the crowd to giggle along with her, but instead she got the message loud and clear: “While you think you are retorting with a cute response, what message are you sending to your children?”
Certainly most of us would never think to respond in that manner. But sometimes it is the slightest comments that we may not be aware of that can send the wrong message. Often, without thinking, adoptive parents speak about wanting their own children before they adopted. They have their own children. They may not have been born to them, but they are truly their own. Sometimes, without realizing it, adoptive parents talk about a birth parent that gave up their child, when they mean to say, “Made an adoption plan” or “Placed her baby.” I tell waiting parents that we are not spouting political correctness with our words, but rather introducing terminology that helps our children feel wanted, safe, and respected.
Those of us who have biological and adopted children should be aware of the comments received by family members and friends. Often the non adopted children are told how much they look like mommy or daddy and of course, mom and dad get a kick out of that response. What does the adoptee hear? What does the adoptee think? He does not resemble his parents, he wonders does he belong?
We need to work hard to identify similarities between us and our adopted children. “You have beautiful big brown eyes like your daddy.” “You draw very well; mommy is good at drawing too.” “You have feet just like daddy.” “The minute Grandpa saw you he said you arrived with his nose!” Of course for very little children it’s also important to point out simply that you each have two eyes, a nose and a mouth. Uncomplicated statements like that also help provide connections. When you speak of differences, speak of them as positives not negatives. “You have a beautiful voice. I remember learning that your birth mother loved to sing.” “You have beautiful brown skin. You are so lucky.” When discussing your African American or Biracial child’s hair, remember not to speak negatively about his or her hair being hard to manage or a challenge for you. I know that this is a common issue especially for Caucasian parents, though I have also heard many African American parents refer to their children’s hair as “bad.” Your child’s hair is not bad. It is simply different. Not something you may be familiar with yet, but with practice and patience you will be. Then you will be able to point out the differences between yours and your child’s hair rather then one type of hair being better than the other.
The messages you send to your children help shape their self esteem and reactions to others. The way you respond to others also will affect your children. Though you may not have desired to become a teacher, you have become one if you are a parent. You have the awesome responsibility to guide your children, but also to educate others on the ways they respond to your family and your children.
If you are an adoptive parent with Adoption STAR then you are a STAR graduate of our educational classes. Most of you are pros and some of you may think you need a refresher class! Don’t worry! It is never too late to begin being more aware of the terminology you use and how you respond to questions from strangers, and issues that arise within your extended family and circle of friends. Always be positive (even with question-asking strangers) and please remember, “Your children are listening.”
Beyond The Color Lines
Beyond The Color Lines
(c) Adoption STAR
Beyond the Color Lines
Years ago, a client questioned her initial desires to first adopt a biracial child by asking, “If we are open to a part black child and not a full black child, wouldn't that be just a little hypocritical? My heart wants to say yes, because aren't we all God's children, regardless of race?” When she first posed her question to me, rather than share my personal experiences I allowed her to get together with other parents who decided for themselves whether transracial adoption was for them.
One experienced mom was first to offer advice and was right up front: “It's been said already that African American kids and biracial kids come in all shades and tones. I think I'm more worried that you aren't aware of that already and aren’t prepared for a dark skinned child. I'm assuming that is the issue. I don't want to sound too tough on you but if you aren't ready for an African American infant then maybe you need to rethink adopting a biracial infant. I do believe we are all God’s children but adopting across racial lines isn't something you should do without some thought.”
Another parent didn’t offer advice but rather spoke about her daughter who is biracial but who is looked upon by outsiders as a black little girl and she stated that she plans to raise her daughter to be a proud black woman.
One mom added that her African American daughter is actually much lighter than a friend's biracial daughter. She also added that she read that many biracial individuals have issues in terms of which group to fit into.
The last mom to share stated, “I came to the conclusion that adopting an African American baby is no easier or harder that adopting a biracial child. The agency made sure to tell me that you have to be open to raising a child of color, no matter how light or dark the child's skin may be. Some biracial children are very dark skinned. Some African American children are quite light skinned. When you make the decision to adopt transracially you have to be open to every possibility.”
Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall begin one of their many very telling articles on transracial adoption with these words: Once upon a time, when the White man and the White woman who wanted to be parents first started thinking about adoption, they asked to be considered for a biracial child. "Not a fully African American child," they clarified. "It wouldn't be fair." The story continues with the couple saying their reasoning is because they feel they are being fair to the child. They deny they are hoping for a light skinned child and insist that if their child is biracial rather than Black she will share some common ground with them.
Steinberg and Hall believe that this idea is more common than not in people first considering transracial adoption. They continue by stating, Prospective adoptive parents frequently call on us assuming that they can be considered for a biracial child but not for a single race child who is of a different background from their own… Very few of those same White parents apply the same biracial vs. same-race standards to Latino or Asian children. We think there's been a massive misunderstanding of what it feels like to be a biracial person in this society. Further, a biracial child who is adopted by White parents grows up having a totally different experience from that of the child who grows up within the birth family, who lives with flesh and blood role models of two different cultures present and contributing daily, one White parent and one Black…Caucasian parents who are tempted to think that their child will share with them (at least half way) in the experience of being White are not listening to the vast majority of multiracial and biracial people who clearly identify as people of color… Since society at large will not distinguish a person who looks African American, Latino or Asian whether they are partly or fully African American, Latino, or Asian, why would a family make this distinction in adopting a child?
Making the decision to adopt transracially is a serious one. It should not be entered “because the wait time appears shorter” or because you “want to adopt a child that needs you.” You are adopting a child because you wish to become a parent or because you wish to parent more children. That’s it. It’s quite simple. If you wish to consider adopting a child outside of your race and culture then it is important to examine why you may be requesting the adoption of a biracial child but not a single-race child of color. It is important to examine your motivations and expectations.
For anyone who has interest in exploring this issue more extensively, Adoption STAR will be happy to assist.
Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Adopt Transracially
Am I open to new experiences: people, ideas, activities, travel?
Do I enjoy the diversity of other races and cultures?
Do I value differences in others and their contributions to my life?
Am I flexible and able to make changes in my ideas, friends, activities, and lifestyle?
Am I able to see things from another's perspective even though it's different from mine?
Am I open to close relationships with people of other racial and cultural groups?
Do I believe racism exists and understand its destructive power?
Am I willing to examine my personal prejudices--either overt or subtle--and replace them with more positive attitudes?
Do I believe in nurturing racial identity in children and will make changes in my life to foster this?
Am I committed to getting more information to learn how to parent a child of another race?
(c) Adoption STAR
Beyond the Color Lines
Years ago, a client questioned her initial desires to first adopt a biracial child by asking, “If we are open to a part black child and not a full black child, wouldn't that be just a little hypocritical? My heart wants to say yes, because aren't we all God's children, regardless of race?” When she first posed her question to me, rather than share my personal experiences I allowed her to get together with other parents who decided for themselves whether transracial adoption was for them.
One experienced mom was first to offer advice and was right up front: “It's been said already that African American kids and biracial kids come in all shades and tones. I think I'm more worried that you aren't aware of that already and aren’t prepared for a dark skinned child. I'm assuming that is the issue. I don't want to sound too tough on you but if you aren't ready for an African American infant then maybe you need to rethink adopting a biracial infant. I do believe we are all God’s children but adopting across racial lines isn't something you should do without some thought.”
Another parent didn’t offer advice but rather spoke about her daughter who is biracial but who is looked upon by outsiders as a black little girl and she stated that she plans to raise her daughter to be a proud black woman.
One mom added that her African American daughter is actually much lighter than a friend's biracial daughter. She also added that she read that many biracial individuals have issues in terms of which group to fit into.
The last mom to share stated, “I came to the conclusion that adopting an African American baby is no easier or harder that adopting a biracial child. The agency made sure to tell me that you have to be open to raising a child of color, no matter how light or dark the child's skin may be. Some biracial children are very dark skinned. Some African American children are quite light skinned. When you make the decision to adopt transracially you have to be open to every possibility.”
Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall begin one of their many very telling articles on transracial adoption with these words: Once upon a time, when the White man and the White woman who wanted to be parents first started thinking about adoption, they asked to be considered for a biracial child. "Not a fully African American child," they clarified. "It wouldn't be fair." The story continues with the couple saying their reasoning is because they feel they are being fair to the child. They deny they are hoping for a light skinned child and insist that if their child is biracial rather than Black she will share some common ground with them.
Steinberg and Hall believe that this idea is more common than not in people first considering transracial adoption. They continue by stating, Prospective adoptive parents frequently call on us assuming that they can be considered for a biracial child but not for a single race child who is of a different background from their own… Very few of those same White parents apply the same biracial vs. same-race standards to Latino or Asian children. We think there's been a massive misunderstanding of what it feels like to be a biracial person in this society. Further, a biracial child who is adopted by White parents grows up having a totally different experience from that of the child who grows up within the birth family, who lives with flesh and blood role models of two different cultures present and contributing daily, one White parent and one Black…Caucasian parents who are tempted to think that their child will share with them (at least half way) in the experience of being White are not listening to the vast majority of multiracial and biracial people who clearly identify as people of color… Since society at large will not distinguish a person who looks African American, Latino or Asian whether they are partly or fully African American, Latino, or Asian, why would a family make this distinction in adopting a child?
Making the decision to adopt transracially is a serious one. It should not be entered “because the wait time appears shorter” or because you “want to adopt a child that needs you.” You are adopting a child because you wish to become a parent or because you wish to parent more children. That’s it. It’s quite simple. If you wish to consider adopting a child outside of your race and culture then it is important to examine why you may be requesting the adoption of a biracial child but not a single-race child of color. It is important to examine your motivations and expectations.
For anyone who has interest in exploring this issue more extensively, Adoption STAR will be happy to assist.
Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Adopt Transracially
Am I open to new experiences: people, ideas, activities, travel?
Do I enjoy the diversity of other races and cultures?
Do I value differences in others and their contributions to my life?
Am I flexible and able to make changes in my ideas, friends, activities, and lifestyle?
Am I able to see things from another's perspective even though it's different from mine?
Am I open to close relationships with people of other racial and cultural groups?
Do I believe racism exists and understand its destructive power?
Am I willing to examine my personal prejudices--either overt or subtle--and replace them with more positive attitudes?
Do I believe in nurturing racial identity in children and will make changes in my life to foster this?
Am I committed to getting more information to learn how to parent a child of another race?
The Power of Words
The Power of Words
(c) Michele Fried
Those of you who know me well, know I love quotes. I guess I am a quote collector if there is such a thing. I love quotes from famous people and from those known by just a few. I love words and the meanings they possess. I love how sometimes just a few words can affect so many people and give them insight and inspiration.
I was reading something my cousin wrote to his daughter. He posted it on her blog. His daughter is 26 and lives overseas as she is in what some consider the holy land studying to become a clergy. He writes to her telling her how proud he is of her and how much he looks forward to traveling a great distance to see her. He writes about his itinerary and the length of time – the many miles and many, many tiring hours that will pass – before he will see her, and then he writes, “But a journey to a child is never long.”
Those words just stopped me from reading and I read them over and over again. You know, it was one of those moments when I just fell in love with words, when I needed to cut and paste them and email them to myself, when I wish I said them myself. How profound. How meaningful. How true.
I love the word “journey” and use it daily when I speak to clients about what they are embarking on. There is not a day that goes by at Adoption STAR without those of us at the agency listening, supporting, and encouraging those who wait to become parents.
Waiting is so difficult. For some it can illicit intense emotions and for others physical pain. I frequently share that when your baby is placed in your arms, the wait becomes meaningless and somehow all that time disappears. The wait, I have been told and can tell you from my own experience just simply becomes “worth it.” For some their journeys are simple and sweet and for others it is bumpy, perhaps a bit roller-coaster like. However your journey has gone or will go, if you stick with it, perhaps change your route here or there, you will arrive at your dreamed of destination. I believe whole heartedly that you will feel that
your journey had a purpose and your child was meant to be yours.
Another neat quote came to me when speaking to a waiting client about birth mothers selecting the right profile for them. I loved what she told me and she said that she read it on our online group. It was written by a fellow adoptive parent, AmyJo Lauber. So I contacted AmyJo and she emailed me the words she used to help others understand the “selection” process: "A birth parent doesn't choose her child's adoptive parents like choosing from a Chinese menu but, rather, recognizes them." Another profound sentence that made me read it over and over again. I just love it. I love it because it’s true. AmyJo describes her thoughts when writing these words, “Of course, I'm making a huge assumption but that's truly how I feel it works. Just like when you meet someone and you feel you've known them forever, it's more like you remember them.”
How we struggle to describe what is un-describable – the act of a woman deciding who will parent her child. We are always asked, “Why were we chosen?” and of course, “Why weren’t we chosen?” While at times reasons for both are available, many times, even the woman herself can not find the words to describe the why’s but rather the fact that she “just knows.” AmyJo’s understanding of the process and her special words, and my cousin’s words to his daughter, hopefully will help those who sometimes feel adoption is just a competition to begin to realize that it is also a part of the journey. We must remember that a birth parent has a journey to travel too. Eventually they will intersect because it is with these two paths that the child begins his own.
(c) Michele Fried
Those of you who know me well, know I love quotes. I guess I am a quote collector if there is such a thing. I love quotes from famous people and from those known by just a few. I love words and the meanings they possess. I love how sometimes just a few words can affect so many people and give them insight and inspiration.
I was reading something my cousin wrote to his daughter. He posted it on her blog. His daughter is 26 and lives overseas as she is in what some consider the holy land studying to become a clergy. He writes to her telling her how proud he is of her and how much he looks forward to traveling a great distance to see her. He writes about his itinerary and the length of time – the many miles and many, many tiring hours that will pass – before he will see her, and then he writes, “But a journey to a child is never long.”
Those words just stopped me from reading and I read them over and over again. You know, it was one of those moments when I just fell in love with words, when I needed to cut and paste them and email them to myself, when I wish I said them myself. How profound. How meaningful. How true.
I love the word “journey” and use it daily when I speak to clients about what they are embarking on. There is not a day that goes by at Adoption STAR without those of us at the agency listening, supporting, and encouraging those who wait to become parents.
Waiting is so difficult. For some it can illicit intense emotions and for others physical pain. I frequently share that when your baby is placed in your arms, the wait becomes meaningless and somehow all that time disappears. The wait, I have been told and can tell you from my own experience just simply becomes “worth it.” For some their journeys are simple and sweet and for others it is bumpy, perhaps a bit roller-coaster like. However your journey has gone or will go, if you stick with it, perhaps change your route here or there, you will arrive at your dreamed of destination. I believe whole heartedly that you will feel that
your journey had a purpose and your child was meant to be yours.
Another neat quote came to me when speaking to a waiting client about birth mothers selecting the right profile for them. I loved what she told me and she said that she read it on our online group. It was written by a fellow adoptive parent, AmyJo Lauber. So I contacted AmyJo and she emailed me the words she used to help others understand the “selection” process: "A birth parent doesn't choose her child's adoptive parents like choosing from a Chinese menu but, rather, recognizes them." Another profound sentence that made me read it over and over again. I just love it. I love it because it’s true. AmyJo describes her thoughts when writing these words, “Of course, I'm making a huge assumption but that's truly how I feel it works. Just like when you meet someone and you feel you've known them forever, it's more like you remember them.”
How we struggle to describe what is un-describable – the act of a woman deciding who will parent her child. We are always asked, “Why were we chosen?” and of course, “Why weren’t we chosen?” While at times reasons for both are available, many times, even the woman herself can not find the words to describe the why’s but rather the fact that she “just knows.” AmyJo’s understanding of the process and her special words, and my cousin’s words to his daughter, hopefully will help those who sometimes feel adoption is just a competition to begin to realize that it is also a part of the journey. We must remember that a birth parent has a journey to travel too. Eventually they will intersect because it is with these two paths that the child begins his own.
Talking To Your Child About Adoption: 10 Steps
Talking To Your Child About Adoption: 10 Steps
(c) Adoption STAR, Inc.
Adoption STAR facilitates a class called, “Talking About Adoption.” In this class prospective adoptive parents are challenged to look into the future and identify how they may handle adoption related situations based on the developmental stage of their child.
Talking about adoption is an overwhelming thought for many prospective adopters, many who have not yet even shared their desire to adopt with some family members, friends or co-workers. So adding the extra piece of how one would answer young children’s questions about adoption can be intimidating.
The following list provides 10 suggestions on how we should talk to children about adoption.
1. Start Early. Yes, start talking to your child about adoption during infancy! Even though your child may not understand, it's practice for you. Your child, even as an infant, gets to hear the word "adopted" in a positive context. The word adoption becomes as commonplace as everyday terms.
2. Use Positive Adoption Language. Using appropriate adoption language such as “placed for adoption”, “made an adoption plan”, makes the process of adoption less intimidating then having your child hear words like, “given away” or “given up.” It is your job to become familiar with positive adoption language so that you can naturally share your knowledge with your child and those around you.
3. Answer the Questions Your Child Asks. Be sure you know what your child is asking. If you are not sure what the question really is, ask your child what s/he means by returning the question to your child. Often a child does not have the same terminology as we do and you may not be answering your child’s question at all. Listen to your children and give them what they need, not what you need. A tall order, perhaps, but it is the real meaning of parenthood.
4. Be Honest. By being honest you must also consider your child’s developmental stages. The adoption story belongs to your child, and the child has a right to know that story. It is natural for parents to want to make everything sound perfect and to take away any possible loss or pain for our children, but it doesn’t give us the right to replace missing facts or soften harsh ones. “Developmentally appropriate” conversations require you to think carefully about how to discuss difficult issues without lying. “For example, if you know your child was conceived by rape, you don’t want to start out by saying your mommy and daddy loved each other very much,” says Lois Melina, author of Making Sense of Adoption and Raising Adopted Children. “You can say something that would imply that their parents didn’t know each other very well.” If you don't know the answer, say so. Show that you share your child's curiosity and that you would like to know too.
5. Include Information About Your Child's Actual Birth. Many adoptees report they grew up thinking they weren't born like other people are. In Adoption STAR’s Talking About Adoption Class, participants often laugh when they hear about pre-schoolers explaining they weren’t born, they were adopted. Sharing your child’s birth story is as important as their adoption story. It is often missed because nobody talks about their birth, because it occurred before you. Share as much information as you have about your child’s birth and if you aren’t blessed with that information be sure to let your child know that s/he was born just like everyone else.
6. Keep Talking. Don't wait for your child to raise the subject about adoption. Keep the communication lines open. Raise the subject every once in a while by saying, for example, “I was remembering when we adopted you and when we went to the agency…” or “I was just thinking of your birth mother and wondering…” Your child's understanding is developing and growing all the time. Don't assume that s/he got all the details the last time you spoke about it. Repetition helps a child absorb the concepts surrounding adoption. So it’s important for the parent to revisit the information frequently. Another technique is to use indirect conversation, that’s talking to another person while your child is in the room. This type of conversation allows parents to keep the subject open without forcing the child to participate. “It’s directly meant for the child to hear, but it’s not talking to the child,” says Joyce Maguire Pavao, Ed.D., founder of the Center for Family Connections in Cambridge, MA, and author of The Family of Adoption. For example, she says, a dad— knowing his child is nearby—might ask his wife, “I always think of Lisa on Mother’s Day because she’s Sally’s birthmother. Should we buy flowers for Lisa and put them on the mantel in honor of her, or should we send her a card?”
Another idea is as adoption expert, Holly van Gulden calls, “leaving pebbles.” You make a small comment about a topic and then see if the child responds. For example, a stranger’s nosy questions could prompt you to say later, “Wow, that woman was really nosy about our family, I wonder what she was thinking?” Wait to see what, if anything, your child says and use that response to set the course of conversation. Also don’t forget that the direct approach may work just as well by simply asking, “Do you have any questions about adoption?”
7. Talk About Birth Parents. No matter the type of adoption, refer to your child’s birth parents by their name, if known. Your positive attitude and comfort to talk about your child’s birth parents is very important in building your child's self-esteem. It also sends a message to your child that you are there for them to talk to and if they ask about their birth parents, it will not upset you. Adult adoptees often share that they were concerned they were hurting their adoptive parents if they asked questions about their birth parents.
8. Acknowledge and Accept Your Child's Feelings. Listen for the feelings behind your child's comments and questions. Curiosity and sadness are natural responses to being adopted. Don't take expressions about wanting to meet birth parents as a reflection on you or your parenting. We don't like to see our children experiencing sadness or pain, but adoption is a mixture of joy and pain, loss and gain for all of us. Acknowledge this and help to make your child feel comfortable about talking about it. It is also beneficial with young children to help them develop a feeling-word vocabulary. Also look for nonverbal ways to help your child work through adoption issues. Some children might benefit from drawing pictures about their adoption story. Older children can write in a journal.
9. Prepare a Lifebook. Lifebooks are storybooks for children and are excellent ways to share your child’s adoption story with them. Be sure to include birth family information, foster family, orphanage, etc., as applicable. Include photos of birth family if available.
10. You Are the Parent. As a parent, you know your child best, don’t forget that. You are your child’s parent and talking about adoption will be comfortable in time if you allow yourself to acknowledge you are the expert, you are the parent. As adopted children develop adoption understanding, increasingly complex questions and issues arise. The more comfortable you are as parents, the more your child will entrust their questions, thoughts and feelings to you. This is the cornerstone of communication within a healthy family. Parents need support too, so don’t forget to also lean on adoption professionals. Remember Adoption STAR is here for you. Join SOFIA, the adoptive parent support group, if you haven’t already. Talk to other adoptive parents, share and learn from them.
(c) Adoption STAR, Inc.
Adoption STAR facilitates a class called, “Talking About Adoption.” In this class prospective adoptive parents are challenged to look into the future and identify how they may handle adoption related situations based on the developmental stage of their child.
Talking about adoption is an overwhelming thought for many prospective adopters, many who have not yet even shared their desire to adopt with some family members, friends or co-workers. So adding the extra piece of how one would answer young children’s questions about adoption can be intimidating.
The following list provides 10 suggestions on how we should talk to children about adoption.
1. Start Early. Yes, start talking to your child about adoption during infancy! Even though your child may not understand, it's practice for you. Your child, even as an infant, gets to hear the word "adopted" in a positive context. The word adoption becomes as commonplace as everyday terms.
2. Use Positive Adoption Language. Using appropriate adoption language such as “placed for adoption”, “made an adoption plan”, makes the process of adoption less intimidating then having your child hear words like, “given away” or “given up.” It is your job to become familiar with positive adoption language so that you can naturally share your knowledge with your child and those around you.
3. Answer the Questions Your Child Asks. Be sure you know what your child is asking. If you are not sure what the question really is, ask your child what s/he means by returning the question to your child. Often a child does not have the same terminology as we do and you may not be answering your child’s question at all. Listen to your children and give them what they need, not what you need. A tall order, perhaps, but it is the real meaning of parenthood.
4. Be Honest. By being honest you must also consider your child’s developmental stages. The adoption story belongs to your child, and the child has a right to know that story. It is natural for parents to want to make everything sound perfect and to take away any possible loss or pain for our children, but it doesn’t give us the right to replace missing facts or soften harsh ones. “Developmentally appropriate” conversations require you to think carefully about how to discuss difficult issues without lying. “For example, if you know your child was conceived by rape, you don’t want to start out by saying your mommy and daddy loved each other very much,” says Lois Melina, author of Making Sense of Adoption and Raising Adopted Children. “You can say something that would imply that their parents didn’t know each other very well.” If you don't know the answer, say so. Show that you share your child's curiosity and that you would like to know too.
5. Include Information About Your Child's Actual Birth. Many adoptees report they grew up thinking they weren't born like other people are. In Adoption STAR’s Talking About Adoption Class, participants often laugh when they hear about pre-schoolers explaining they weren’t born, they were adopted. Sharing your child’s birth story is as important as their adoption story. It is often missed because nobody talks about their birth, because it occurred before you. Share as much information as you have about your child’s birth and if you aren’t blessed with that information be sure to let your child know that s/he was born just like everyone else.
6. Keep Talking. Don't wait for your child to raise the subject about adoption. Keep the communication lines open. Raise the subject every once in a while by saying, for example, “I was remembering when we adopted you and when we went to the agency…” or “I was just thinking of your birth mother and wondering…” Your child's understanding is developing and growing all the time. Don't assume that s/he got all the details the last time you spoke about it. Repetition helps a child absorb the concepts surrounding adoption. So it’s important for the parent to revisit the information frequently. Another technique is to use indirect conversation, that’s talking to another person while your child is in the room. This type of conversation allows parents to keep the subject open without forcing the child to participate. “It’s directly meant for the child to hear, but it’s not talking to the child,” says Joyce Maguire Pavao, Ed.D., founder of the Center for Family Connections in Cambridge, MA, and author of The Family of Adoption. For example, she says, a dad— knowing his child is nearby—might ask his wife, “I always think of Lisa on Mother’s Day because she’s Sally’s birthmother. Should we buy flowers for Lisa and put them on the mantel in honor of her, or should we send her a card?”
Another idea is as adoption expert, Holly van Gulden calls, “leaving pebbles.” You make a small comment about a topic and then see if the child responds. For example, a stranger’s nosy questions could prompt you to say later, “Wow, that woman was really nosy about our family, I wonder what she was thinking?” Wait to see what, if anything, your child says and use that response to set the course of conversation. Also don’t forget that the direct approach may work just as well by simply asking, “Do you have any questions about adoption?”
7. Talk About Birth Parents. No matter the type of adoption, refer to your child’s birth parents by their name, if known. Your positive attitude and comfort to talk about your child’s birth parents is very important in building your child's self-esteem. It also sends a message to your child that you are there for them to talk to and if they ask about their birth parents, it will not upset you. Adult adoptees often share that they were concerned they were hurting their adoptive parents if they asked questions about their birth parents.
8. Acknowledge and Accept Your Child's Feelings. Listen for the feelings behind your child's comments and questions. Curiosity and sadness are natural responses to being adopted. Don't take expressions about wanting to meet birth parents as a reflection on you or your parenting. We don't like to see our children experiencing sadness or pain, but adoption is a mixture of joy and pain, loss and gain for all of us. Acknowledge this and help to make your child feel comfortable about talking about it. It is also beneficial with young children to help them develop a feeling-word vocabulary. Also look for nonverbal ways to help your child work through adoption issues. Some children might benefit from drawing pictures about their adoption story. Older children can write in a journal.
9. Prepare a Lifebook. Lifebooks are storybooks for children and are excellent ways to share your child’s adoption story with them. Be sure to include birth family information, foster family, orphanage, etc., as applicable. Include photos of birth family if available.
10. You Are the Parent. As a parent, you know your child best, don’t forget that. You are your child’s parent and talking about adoption will be comfortable in time if you allow yourself to acknowledge you are the expert, you are the parent. As adopted children develop adoption understanding, increasingly complex questions and issues arise. The more comfortable you are as parents, the more your child will entrust their questions, thoughts and feelings to you. This is the cornerstone of communication within a healthy family. Parents need support too, so don’t forget to also lean on adoption professionals. Remember Adoption STAR is here for you. Join SOFIA, the adoptive parent support group, if you haven’t already. Talk to other adoptive parents, share and learn from them.
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