What Type of Prospective Parent Are You?

What Type of Prospective Parent Are You?
(c) Adoption STAR

We have written this article in our minds several times and have come together to find the best words to describe a specific process relating to working to become an adoptive parent. The key word here is “working.”

The agency’s most important daily job is to find homes for children. Even though this is often stated, it is probably the most misunderstood statement. The job of a reputable agency is not to find children for families but families for children.

When an individual/couple registers with an agency and obtains a home study, they are paying for a service: an adoption home study. There is never a guarantee that a child will be referred to them. No one can be “hired” to “find” someone a child.

To better breakdown this important statement we thought it might be interesting to learn about the “difference” between prospective adoptive parents once a home study is completed and approved.

One type of prospective adoptive parent already handed in their profile for pregnant women to consider even before their home study was complete. They frequently “tweak” their profile whether or not it is suggested that it needs “tweaking.” They not only receive monthly check-in calls from the agency, but they also phone the agency to say hello and to check in on their own. They are excited to hear about other options to creatively present themselves to birth mothers such as the DVD project which allows them to have their profile “come alive” with music, photos, video and graphics. They may post their profile online, create “baby cards” and hand them to everyone they meet telling them they are looking to adopt, contact Adoption STAR with referrals! They also revisit their grids frequently and challenge themselves with hard questions related to a child’s race or ethnicity, domestic versus international adoption, and drug exposure, mental health issues within the child’s birth family, etc. They not only “think” about “tweaking” their grids they actually do their own home work by way of talking to other adoptive families, reading medical journals, articles, etc. on such topics. While medical professionals may assist with obtaining answers to help complete the child interest grid, they work hard to understand many of the issues on the grid themselves. Most importantly, they chat on the online group and even more importantly they join SOFIA, the adoptive family support group and meet many new friends and continue their adoption education so when they adopt, they are more ready then ever to be the best parents. “They” will tell you that the wait is not easy, but taking control of the wait is easy and makes the process all the more special. They remind themselves that adoption is a journey that does not end with a placement of a child but rather it continues.

Another type of expectant adoptive parent does much of the above but also finds a hobby or project that they can work on before they become parents. This may be one hobby/project or several. One adoptive mom found great enjoyment in knitting and during her nesting period created many beautiful blankets and donated them to babies being placed for adoption. Several other adoptive moms spent their before parenthood period volunteering to help spread the word about the agency by disseminating literature around their community to doctor’s offices, clinics, schools, etc. Prospective moms and dads can also work together on household projects needing to get done, etc.

Another type of prospective adoptive parent rarely contacts the agency and sometimes does not return agency messages. They may have been given advice on “tweaking” their profile, but don’t appear interested in making those suggested changes. They truly may be very busy at home and at work that they haven’t gotten a chance to get around to making those changes, but time is going by and we are concerned they are not being presented in the best possible way. They may have been advised to enhance their profile with a DVD presentation, created professionally or on their own. They may have been encouraged to participate in the private adoption track. International adoption information may have been shared. They may have been advised to re-visit their grids specifically the child interest grid. They have been invited in for a meeting to explore these and other options, but have not yet accepted our invitation, or only one member of a couple comes in for a meeting. Often they say that it is money that is preventing them from exploring the other options. There are so many creative ways to expand one’s profile without a great deal of money. We know of many who were successful with the private track without breaking the bank and others who cut back on some personal extras in order to create a larger adoption budget.

No two prospective adoptive parents are alike and our illustrations can not include everyone, but the idea is for you to determine “what type of prospective parent are you?”

Sitting at home or at work “waiting” for the phone to ring is not a healthy way to approach adoption. Actively participating in your adoption journey is the way to go. It is not always easy, but in the long run it is worth it. We find “healthier” and “more prepared” adoptive parents when the prospective adopter takes control of their adoption path.

For those of you still overwhelmed by this process or the thought of this, we would recommend no longer thinking of yourself as a “waiting” parent, but rather an “expectant” or “prospective” parent. With this change, perhaps you can begin to view yourself as an active participant in becoming a parent. Take these examples to best understand our meaning:

If you were looking for a new, better paying job, you will need to “tweak” your resume, you will need to prepare yourself for interviews which may include research, continued education, etc. You will not get a job by waiting for someone to find you, but you will need to find them!

Perhaps you want to lose weight. What do you need to do? I know we don’t REALLY want to know what to do but the answer is we need to actively work on it. We need to be aware and educated about nutrition and calories and most importantly exercise; and then we need to exercise! Weight loss won’t just happen on its own. We need to go out and reach that goal for ourselves.

It is our hope that this article will inspire you to really get involved in your adoption journey. To believe in adoption and to understand that by having a home study does not mean you will get a phone call to pick up a baby but rather that you need to involve yourself in the process! Work with us. We will give you many ideas and tasks if you are interested.

This article may frustrate you because you have been through so much already. We have no desire to upset you or discourage you in the least. However if you feel this way, please examine why you are feeling this way? Yes, you have been through a lot. You most likely have experienced intense loss through infertility and perhaps pregnancy losses. We have clients who have lost children after birth. Perhaps you have had several “almost adoptions” but the match fell through because the birth family decided to parent. These losses are great. These losses can not be replaced.

It is up to you to look ahead and feel excited about the adoption process. It is crucial to view the bumps in the journey as part of the learning curve and to continue to believe and participate in the process.