Talking To Your Child About Adoption: 10 Steps

Talking To Your Child About Adoption: 10 Steps
(c) Adoption STAR, Inc.

Adoption STAR facilitates a class called, “Talking About Adoption.” In this class prospective adoptive parents are challenged to look into the future and identify how they may handle adoption related situations based on the developmental stage of their child.
Talking about adoption is an overwhelming thought for many prospective adopters, many who have not yet even shared their desire to adopt with some family members, friends or co-workers. So adding the extra piece of how one would answer young children’s questions about adoption can be intimidating.
The following list provides 10 suggestions on how we should talk to children about adoption.

1. Start Early. Yes, start talking to your child about adoption during infancy! Even though your child may not understand, it's practice for you. Your child, even as an infant, gets to hear the word "adopted" in a positive context. The word adoption becomes as commonplace as everyday terms.

2. Use Positive Adoption Language. Using appropriate adoption language such as “placed for adoption”, “made an adoption plan”, makes the process of adoption less intimidating then having your child hear words like, “given away” or “given up.” It is your job to become familiar with positive adoption language so that you can naturally share your knowledge with your child and those around you.

3. Answer the Questions Your Child Asks. Be sure you know what your child is asking. If you are not sure what the question really is, ask your child what s/he means by returning the question to your child. Often a child does not have the same terminology as we do and you may not be answering your child’s question at all. Listen to your children and give them what they need, not what you need. A tall order, perhaps, but it is the real meaning of parenthood.

4. Be Honest. By being honest you must also consider your child’s developmental stages. The adoption story belongs to your child, and the child has a right to know that story. It is natural for parents to want to make everything sound perfect and to take away any possible loss or pain for our children, but it doesn’t give us the right to replace missing facts or soften harsh ones. “Developmentally appropriate” conversations require you to think carefully about how to discuss difficult issues without lying. “For example, if you know your child was conceived by rape, you don’t want to start out by saying your mommy and daddy loved each other very much,” says Lois Melina, author of Making Sense of Adoption and Raising Adopted Children. “You can say something that would imply that their parents didn’t know each other very well.” If you don't know the answer, say so. Show that you share your child's curiosity and that you would like to know too.

5. Include Information About Your Child's Actual Birth. Many adoptees report they grew up thinking they weren't born like other people are. In Adoption STAR’s Talking About Adoption Class, participants often laugh when they hear about pre-schoolers explaining they weren’t born, they were adopted. Sharing your child’s birth story is as important as their adoption story. It is often missed because nobody talks about their birth, because it occurred before you. Share as much information as you have about your child’s birth and if you aren’t blessed with that information be sure to let your child know that s/he was born just like everyone else.

6. Keep Talking. Don't wait for your child to raise the subject about adoption. Keep the communication lines open. Raise the subject every once in a while by saying, for example, “I was remembering when we adopted you and when we went to the agency…” or “I was just thinking of your birth mother and wondering…” Your child's understanding is developing and growing all the time. Don't assume that s/he got all the details the last time you spoke about it. Repetition helps a child absorb the concepts surrounding adoption. So it’s important for the parent to revisit the information frequently. Another technique is to use indirect conversation, that’s talking to another person while your child is in the room. This type of conversation allows parents to keep the subject open without forcing the child to participate. “It’s directly meant for the child to hear, but it’s not talking to the child,” says Joyce Maguire Pavao, Ed.D., founder of the Center for Family Connections in Cambridge, MA, and author of The Family of Adoption. For example, she says, a dad— knowing his child is nearby—might ask his wife, “I always think of Lisa on Mother’s Day because she’s Sally’s birthmother. Should we buy flowers for Lisa and put them on the mantel in honor of her, or should we send her a card?”
Another idea is as adoption expert, Holly van Gulden calls, “leaving pebbles.” You make a small comment about a topic and then see if the child responds. For example, a stranger’s nosy questions could prompt you to say later, “Wow, that woman was really nosy about our family, I wonder what she was thinking?” Wait to see what, if anything, your child says and use that response to set the course of conversation. Also don’t forget that the direct approach may work just as well by simply asking, “Do you have any questions about adoption?”

7. Talk About Birth Parents. No matter the type of adoption, refer to your child’s birth parents by their name, if known. Your positive attitude and comfort to talk about your child’s birth parents is very important in building your child's self-esteem. It also sends a message to your child that you are there for them to talk to and if they ask about their birth parents, it will not upset you. Adult adoptees often share that they were concerned they were hurting their adoptive parents if they asked questions about their birth parents.

8. Acknowledge and Accept Your Child's Feelings. Listen for the feelings behind your child's comments and questions. Curiosity and sadness are natural responses to being adopted. Don't take expressions about wanting to meet birth parents as a reflection on you or your parenting. We don't like to see our children experiencing sadness or pain, but adoption is a mixture of joy and pain, loss and gain for all of us. Acknowledge this and help to make your child feel comfortable about talking about it. It is also beneficial with young children to help them develop a feeling-word vocabulary. Also look for nonverbal ways to help your child work through adoption issues. Some children might benefit from drawing pictures about their adoption story. Older children can write in a journal.

9. Prepare a Lifebook. Lifebooks are storybooks for children and are excellent ways to share your child’s adoption story with them. Be sure to include birth family information, foster family, orphanage, etc., as applicable. Include photos of birth family if available.

10. You Are the Parent. As a parent, you know your child best, don’t forget that. You are your child’s parent and talking about adoption will be comfortable in time if you allow yourself to acknowledge you are the expert, you are the parent. As adopted children develop adoption understanding, increasingly complex questions and issues arise. The more comfortable you are as parents, the more your child will entrust their questions, thoughts and feelings to you. This is the cornerstone of communication within a healthy family. Parents need support too, so don’t forget to also lean on adoption professionals. Remember Adoption STAR is here for you. Join SOFIA, the adoptive parent support group, if you haven’t already. Talk to other adoptive parents, share and learn from them.